Here is another interesting piece from Brene Brown on Perfectionism.
"PS - Shame and perfectionism aren't related, are they?"
"I emailed her back and explained the relationship between shame and perfectionism: Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism."
"I lover her response: "You minght want to talk about that before WE start the read-along. My friends and I know that we struggle with perfectionism, but we don't claim shame."
"We don't claim shame. You can't believe how many times I've heard that. I know shame is a daunting word. The problem is that when we don't claim shame, it claims us. And one of the ways it sneaks into our lives is through perfectionism."
"As a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist, I've found it extremely helpful to bust some of the myths about perfectionism so that we can develop a definition that accurately captures what it is and what it does to our lives."
- Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect,and act perfect, we can minimize and avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.
- Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self focused - How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused - What will they think?"
"Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfection is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we're too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It's also the dreams that we don't follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It's terrifying to risk when you're a perfectionist; your self worth is on the line." Brene Brown, from her book, "The Gift of Imperfection"
What I knew, but didn't know, was that perfectionism is a sign of shame. And when I embraced my imperfections, I became perfect.
It seems that we were sold on the opposite. That if you show your imperfections you will feel shame, and oddly, it is when you don't that you do.
When you don't claim your shame, you will hide behind perfection...Interesting we can claim our perfectionism, but not the underlying energy....Shame.
I knew there was fear in perfectionism and even paralyzing affects, but I didn't know that it was shame based.
There is a vast ocean of difference between improving for your self or doing it for approval of others. To be relaxed in an imperfect life or anxiously trying to keep up the perfect image.
It was a huge blessing to have been involved in a scandal that I was unable to shine into perfection...for it freed me to embrace my self and to get out from under the life of pleasing others. When you are ostracized on the outside, it is easier to focus on just you. There was no one out there to please anymore...so I just please myself.
If Imperfection is the art of being you...it would make Perfection the art of being what others need you to be.
When I began to please myself, I was able to let others please themselves.
