"We can't give people what we don't have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be." Brene Brown
"The space between our practiced values (what we're actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and our aspirational values (what we want to do, think or feel) is the value gap, or what I call "the disengagement divide." It's where we lose our employees, our clients, our students, our teachers, our congregations, and even our own children. We can take big steps - we can even make a running jump to cross the widening value fissures that we face at home, work and school - but at some point, when that divide broadens to a certain degree, we're goners. That's why dehumanizing cultures foster the highest level of disengagement - they create value gaps that actual humans can't hope to successfully navigate."
"Let's take a look at some common issues that arise in the context of families. I'm using family examples because we are all part of families. Even if we don't have children, we were raised by adults. In each case a significant gap has grown between the practiced values and the aspirational values, creating that dangerous disengagment divide."
1. Aspirational values: Honesty and Integrity
Practiced values: Rationalizing and letting things slide
Mom is always telling her kids that honesty and integrity are important, and that stealing and cheating in school won't be tolerated. As they pile into the car after a long grocery shop, Mom realizes that the cashier didn't charge her for the sodas in the bottom of the cart. Rather than going back into the store, she shrugs and says, "Wasn't my fault. They're making a mint anyway."
2. Aspirational Values: Respect and Accountability
Practiced value: Fast and easy is more important
Dad is always driving home the importance of respect and accountability, but when Bobby intentionally breaks Sammy's new Transformer, Dad is too busy on his Blackberry to sit down with the brothers and talk about how they should treat each other's toys. Instead of insisting that Bobby needs to apologize and make amends, he shrugs his shoulders, thinking, Boys will be boys, and tells them both to go to their rooms.
3. Aspirational Values: Gratitude and Respect
Practiced Values: Teasing, taking for granted, disrespect
Mom and Dad constantly feel unappreciated, and they're tired of their children's disrespectful attitudes. But Mom and Dad themselves yell at each other and call each other names. No one in the house says please or thank you, including the parents. Moreover, Mom and Dad use put-downs with their children and with each other, and everyone routinely teases family members to the point of tears. The problem is that the parents are looking for behaviors, emotions, and thinking patterns that their children have never seen modeled.
"Now let's look at the power of aligned values:
1. Aspirational Values: Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings
Practiced Values Emotional Connection and Honored Feelings
Mom and Dad have tried to instill and model a "feeling first" ethic in their family. One evening Hunter comes home from basketball practice and is clearly upset. His sophomore year has been tough, and the basketball coach is really riding him. He throws his bag down on the kitchen floor and heads straight upstairs. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen making dinner, and they watch Hunter as he disappears up to his room. Dad turns off the burner, and Mom tells Hunter's younger brother that they're going to talk to Hunter and to please give them some time alone with him. They go up stairs together and sit on the edge of his bed. "Your mom and I know these past few weeks have been really hard," Dad says. "We don't know exactly how you feel, but we want to know. High School was tough for both of us, and we want to be with you in this." This was such a great example of minding the gap and cultivating engagement. In the interview the father told me that it made all of them feel very vulnerable and that they were all crying before it was over. He said that sharing his high school struggles with his son really opened the relationship between them.
"I want to stress that these examples aren't fiction; they're from the data. And, no, we can't be perfect models all of the time. I know I can't. But when our practiced values are routinely in conflict with the expectations we set in our culture, disengagement is inevitable." Brene Brown
What I know for sure is when I became disengaged and disconnected....when my family and church did not follow up their words (aspirations) with actions.
I was wondering about this huge gap between my mother and I, and even my siblings and I, how it was that they could honestly feel that we all thought alike and even held the same things in high regard....but we were so at odds with each other.
The gap was not created by me...IT was created by what they thought and believed and HOW they acted.
I was not responsible for the disengagement I felt, but rather a witness to how their aspirations and their actions didn't match.
It isn't my job to "mind the gap" as she calls it...in their lives.
Here is how Brene explains it.
"Minding the gap is a daring strategy. We have to pay attention to the space between where we're actually standing and where we want to be. More importantly, we have to practice the values that we're holding out as important in our culture. Minding the gap requires both an embrace of our own vulnerability and cultivation of shame resilience - we're going to be called upon to show up as leaders and parents and educators in new and uncomfortable ways. We don't have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action. We also need to be prepared: The gremlins will be out in full force, as they love to sneak up just when we're about to step into the arena, be vulnerable, and take some chances." Brene
When this gap between what you aspire and preach and tote around as your high values and morals, about standing against abuse etc....and how you actually act...are at odds with each other, it is you that is creating an atmosphere of disengagement. You are making the space too wide to be trusted or relied upon.
I didn't have the words or the language to show how I became disengaged....it wasn't that I expected a certain criteria, but rather that their aspirational values be walked.
If they have no intention of walking their talk, they should at the very least change their talk to match their walk.
What many are asking me to believe upon are their aspirations and to not see how their walking and talking are so vastly wide. It is that space where I lost trust, respect and love of them. The hole is so wide what do you believe in?
I see and feel nothing, the empty void of good intentions...where actions are miles away from the aspirations. I can't live in the void or have relationships with that....or love or honor or respect of nothing.
