I see the finish line, the last few feet, and I already want to sit down and FEEL the absence of daily caring. It isn't that you have to do this or that, but that you are on call, that it is your responsibility to wash clothes, to clean behind, to feed, buy groceries, pay attention to their schedule, to urge, remind, remember, deal....the active daily mothering is about to end.
I can't even remember, at least not clearly, what it feels like to just have my husband and I living without the added weight of children. It isn't like they are constantly in need, but you are not free either...like an invisible tether, you feel them holding on.
I am ready to be free as he is ready to be free. Which is the natural evolution of parenting, to be there until they can fly alone...and flying solo is our goal.
I am sure, I didn't think, think, THINK about the consequences in life about having children, they seem so cute and little and cuddly and nice and easy...like adding sunshine to your life. You don't see the whole picture, until they are leaving...or feel the weight you signed up for until it is gone.
We have had children living with us for almost 26 years. During that time I have undergone a huge emotional upheaval and many estrangements...and made inner changes that deeply affected my children. Some for the good and others made their lives more complicated. Mostly, my role as mother changed as much as I did....for how could it not.
Being a mother is you being you....with children who look up to you and toward you for their needs...and how you respond will impact their worlds.
I recall the vivid turning point in the relationship with my son...and I can recall the old me and me trying so desperately to change in how I mothered him. How much of his life was damaged by me and then how I learned to do things differently, at least most of the time.
Even in his last week, he does what teenage boys do and I do what mother's do...meet head to head wanting completely different things. Passing through me is the old rage flavor, but I don't even dip my toes into it. I go and do something I can control, like make tea.
It seems that I could not have gotten over the finish line of my healing without the children I have given birth to, they are my greatest teachers in changing the pattern.
Now, it is time to see the patterns taking form in their lives. Where they are picking up the baton and beginning their lives...well He is picking up the baton. He doesn't even know how much of the first part of the race his father and I have run, but he will certainly become aware he is on his own...when he is living in another state.
And, we will feel the empty hands and hollow space of responsibility.
Our list will be shorter....and the tasks not so crucial, nor will they have the same impact that parenting has.
I am not sure that I will ever have this type of responsibility again, that compares to mothering. It is a 24/7 job, you are never not on call.
With the children now being out on their own, I feel a distance between me and their needs. I can see that in the future, we will be the second string, we will come in when the big guns are needed. And, it is my dearest hope, that we will be spared knowing that kind of tragedy...and yet I also know, we both will gladly take back the baton, when crisis arises.
Until then, we can turn down the volume on responsibility.
(photo taken quite a few years ago....)
