On the Ex-Toots Blog, someone commented about praying for the children in the FALC, that they would be spared abuse. When I commented back, the children don't need our prayers, but we need to pray for the adults.
We need to ask for courage to stand alone...and the strength to walk out of relationships with abuse. To make healthy boundaries and draw the hard lines.
Our children need strong adults to change the legacy in their family and do things differently. Praying for the children without asking adults to change is meaningless. Skipping what the adults are doing is where the trouble lies.
Schooling them in good touch bad touch, again, meaningless if the adults in their worlds don't display boundaries about good relationships and bad.
Most of the abuse education is directed at children, like this is where the change needs to occurr to end abuse. What about the adults? Why are they not being asked to change?
In looking back at my mother's life, I could see, that in order for abuse to change, I could not be my mother. I had to do things differently. I had to be stronger and try harder, and exit any relationship where they were abusive or supported abuse...the change began and ended with me. I was leading my children....just as she had.
I could also see how some of my siblings responses were of children and not of being an adult, where they made choices based on being a son or daughter, but not in being a mother or a dad.
If I responded as a daughter, my response may have been different, if I had not seen and felt the eyes of my children upon me. How was I going to act with sexual abuse in my family of origin? What I did shows them an alternative compared to what others in my family did. The affects are not something you will see in a few weeks or months, it will be years before the actual affects are seen.
In the early stages of change it appears all negative, like you have lost so much...and you are, you are losing the pattern of abuse...called dysfunctional family or toxic relationships or secrets that are harmful to little souls.
It is my belief, that the outcome of my walking will be felt upon the lives of my grandchildren, for I am being the parent I would have wanted. It is my soul's knowing, that I did what I had to do, to stop the chain of abuse. I had to walk away from where it lived...no cell of abuse, would I tolerate, in order to change what is acceptable in relationships of love.
It isn't so much about abuse, as it is about love.
Abusing means, "To use wrongly or misuse, improperly, to mal-treat or ill-use."
I see abuse meaning how we are in relationships or perhaps how we act.
Acting wrongly or improperly within any relationship is the key to dysfunction.
It is only as good as the two people in the relationship.
If someone lies, and the other doesn't address it or set a boundary against it, they are partners in building a dysfunctional relationship.
The less real you can be, the less real the relationship. And, to be truthful, for those who don't want to face their own truths, will be very happy in relationships full of pretend and leaking boundaries.
The more truthful you become with yourself, the more truth you will gather around you.
I would rather be alone in an honest relationship with myself, than be in relationships where I had to hide my truth.
( a work in progress, like me.)
