IMPERFECT Lady

On Display Again!

Today I am meeting with a gentleman at Copper Country Mental Health.  He was the high bidder on my Lady quilt that I donated to the Dial Help Gala. He not only loves my Ladies, but he gets the recovery they represent and my journey in fabric.  He had asked if I would hang my quilts for the month of September, Recovery Month and I said yes.  And so I have to come up with a short blurb about the quilts and I and my journey of recovery.

First I wondered, what is the definition of recovery and found this.

"A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength."

Now the words "Normal State" needs to be defined....I looked up "normal".

"Conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. The usual or average, typical state or condition."

When I look upon my recovery, I see a woman who went all the way back to her childhood and began looking at her life from how sexual abused changed who the little girl was and into the girl she had to be, in order to survive.

In surviving she lived in denial.  

I believe that my recovery was to break down the denial and begin living in reality. Which was not a typical state in my family of origin.  I did not conform to their standards of what was 'normal'.

I wonder if we all 'recover' back to where we feel most comfortable or most normal?

My old set of comfort, was no longer comfortable for me to live in.  I was awake, aware and I now knew what I had so long denied.  

I did not find a resting place in my old normal, I had to keep going until I did. Meaning, the way I was in old relationships were no longer comfortable for me.  I had to redefine me.  I did find a new normal...but most often it was to exit old relationships that did not honor and respect me...that were not an equal balance of truth and reality.

I would say I recovered a self I had lost, but didn't know was missing.  

My Story Line Quilts represent this journey of how I seen myself against the world, how little I thought of my self and how much I thought and served the outside voices, against the good of me.

The quilts show, and are a gauge, on how I felt about me.  How little self esteem was present and how as I recovered my voice and my truth, how my Lady grew more animated and more defined.

Her stiffness represented my inability to be an individual; my self frozen while dancing to please others.

I am so grateful that I was able to recover beyond my usual normal, but to go back so far as to feel that I am connected to the little girl inside of me.  The one who I put aside and hid due to her abuse.  

Given no alternatives, I lived so to keep peace in the family...or perhaps food in my belly and a roof over my head.  I stuffed the abuse so far back in my mind....in order to survive.

When I fully embraced my 'secret' I was meeting my real self...the innocent girl, the wounded one, and the survival self.  I am a composite of all of my experiences. There is no part that is not me.

My recovery is to embrace my whole journey...keeping no secrets from me.

Childhood sexual abuse ends the natural creation of who you would grow to be.  It interferes with our trust and faith and our innocence, we become old before our time and liars about reality.  We contort our selves and our lives to fit what isn't there.

My recovery was to recover reality...to recover the little wounded girl that I lost.

I looked up "recover".  "1. To get back; regain. 2. To restore ( oneself) to a normal state.

Little children who are abused so young, don't even have a full grasp of who they are, what is their set point, what do they love, their passion and soul's essesence and it is eclipsed by the ugly hand of abuse. 

Regaining the self is to feel like a child again, to restart growing as a person.  To begin with a child inside an adult body.

To me, recovery is about getting back to the little child and innocence. To feel love, peace and joy inside about you.  To reconnect with love.

It seems to me the ultimate victory over abuse...to leave abuse with the abusers, to let it be their problem, not yours.  To put it in its rightful place and to restore and recover your inner spirit.

I will never not be abused, but I was able to recover my self and walk with all aspects of me.

It is time for my quilts to go on display again!

 

Making my Day.

A beautiful Sunday to be inside creating...and I loved that it allowed me to be excused from mowing the grass.

I bought this white/red/black border fabric, loving it for a border, but then had the challenge of making something inside.  It was harder than I expected and I am not totally okay with the way it is.  Perhaps adding something else will complete it.

Although I love my Lady on the Bench....

I also finished this one...she has great energy in person.  I love the colors and wondered about adding a few leaves to the tree....and maybe others on the ground and in the wind.  

Thank you Rain for making my day!

Keeps it going.

There is a false belief, that we are responsible for the behaviors of others, that kindness and love is the cure all for all. That we, the hurt, or we the abused, or we the victims, need to respond in kindness and love AND like magic the hurt will heal. The burden lies with us for stopping the evil of the world, and the evil await our kindness....

IF, this was so, then the evil of the world would no longer exist.  

Families of abuse have been doing this for generation upon generation...serving kindness after abuse, keeping silent after abuse, continuing to love after hurt. Victims never fighting fire with fire, but lobbing love, peace and joy....back to the abusers, in hopes IF enough love and kindness make it over, IT will change the abuser into a loving person.

Really?

Doesn't this also make it our fault that they abused, we were not loving enough, kind enough...that we somehow ignited the anger/rage and sexual desire for a child?

Until we separate the actions of the abusers and the response back...as the independent actions and responsibility of each person, we will not end sexual abuse/physical abuse and end the insane blaming of the victim.

And, the victims themselves have to stop believing they can make a nice man out of one who rapes children, by loving him and forgiving his sins.

As, I sit and try to find kind words, a softer message to my mother, it struck me as I was confused and trying to 'nicely' tell her she isn't welcome.

Is that possible?

I have to wonder, how many rapes are stopped by kindness?

How many people were saved due the sheer kindness of others?

Somehow we have this so backwards.

I don't have to be cruel, but I have to forceful.

And, it almost seems fight fire with fire.

However, isn't there a difference in fighting and standing up and not being a kind victim....compared to overpowering the weak?

Most crimes of sexual abuse and physical abuse are delivered by the stronger party upon a weaker person.  

Is it truly wrong or bad to stand up and fight back.  Fight with words and empowerment, putting up the boundaries and saying no.  I am not looking to hurt her like I was hurt, but I am looking to stop her from being in my world.  Isn't that what most victims want, to end the relationship and the interactions with their abusers.

How else do you make abuse stop if not by ending the relationship.

Divorce is honored in our society and estrangement between families due to abuse is catching on.  

Children didn't choose to marrying into a family and they have no paperwork to make null and void. Which I think is too bad...there isn't a system in place that supports the child leaving the family by choice.

As a child who has left her family, I am seen as a home wrecker, the one who is tearing up our family, not as someone who has left to be in peace, love and joy.  If those ingredients were found in my family of origin, there would not have been a reason to leave. 

Very few couples divorce due to too much love, peace and joy.

The relationship needs to end, when abuse enters in...you can't just bring in more love and expect the abuse to end.  That to me is insanity.

For generations upon generations in my family, abuse has been met with love and forgiveness, forgetting and moving on....keeping the family unit no matter what....putting the burden upon those who have been abused to love the abusers no matter what hurt they caused. 

IF this worked, abuse would not bleed from generation to generation....

Love will not stop abuse.

Kindness is not a deterrent...

Praying for things to change isn't enough.

We have to become stronger than our abusers.

Perhaps the burden of ending abuse does start with the victims...our responses and actions have to be for us, not them.

When I left, I decided to go towards LOVE, PEACE and JOY...and to steer away from all that wasn't. And, I did.  

Abuse doesn't carry love, peace and joy...and no matter how much kindness you pour upon abuse, it will not change its content.  When we can fully accept abuse and its toxic energy, and respond by moving away from it, we will begin changing the planet.

Abuse needs kindness to continue...it needs us to believe, If we loved more, it will end. 

How many bullies have been stopped by love and kindness?

I feel in my heart of hearts, that my kindness and love and acceptance would have kept abuse alive and that I would have been an accessory to the crime by my allowance.

We fail to acknowledge the criminal aspect of abuse and our kindness being a key component that keeps it going.

The Process of Becoming You.

It came to me yesterday, that setting up boundaries is a fuzzy idea, but not one we take and pick apart.  It seems to be a phrase that sounds good, but what does it mean?  What is a boundary and how do you establish one?  How visible are these so called boundaries or the lack of them?

As I have been composing a letter of NO to my mother about her attendance at my daughter's wedding, it came to me, that is a boundary.  Saying no is building a boundary. Stating a choice is also a boundary.  Speaking your preference is establishing borders and fences, defining who you are.

And, I have also noticed that most people have very few boundaries, or ones that are weak and easily gotten over.  To me, it is the after affect of being abused; we lose the right to protect ourselves.  We may even have never been taught how to by the lack of seeing it in action via our parents.

My father had zero regard to the word no...as he sexually absused each little girl, whose whole demeanor screamed NO.  

My mother stood on the other side of no, she didn't believe she had the right to say no.

 To me, the most valuable boundary is the ability to say yes and the option to say no.

And, anyone who doesn't hear your no, isn't capable of loving you. And, there can't be a solid trusting relationship, if you are not allowed to say no.

Our most intense empowerment word is NO.

A boundary that allows us to protect our self...from being hurt.

Children whose ability for choice is removed, are more in danger of being abused. Children who are born into these cult like religions of the FALC, OALC etc.  Where you are not allowed the freedom to choose.

Predators naturally gravitate to the ones who are too kind to say no.

And, conversely, our society feels that kindness is a virtue. 

The word that I have the most respect for is No.

For, if you can't say No, I do not trust your yes.....as Byron Katie says.

Your yes, could be a pretend yes....while your inner feelings are NO.

I no longer pretend to pretend, to pretend...when I see the two options...I love my ability to speak No as easily now as I used to say yes.

In each of our lives, our pathway is continually being crossed with other folks who will be asking us to say yes or to say no.  The more truthful you can be with your yes and your no, the more authentic your journey will be and the more I can trust you.

I also recall that the elders in my world as a child got to say No, but I didn't.  It was something that only adults had the rights to.

Giving our children the right to say No, is for them to hold on to their sense of self and self worth; putting a boundary that will define what their preferences are.

To me, a person without boundaries blends into the background...lost in the sea of many; undefined.

Blending harmoniously into whatever surrounds them, camouflaged to fit the surroundings, losing the characteristic of self...wanting to fit in and not stand out.

Boundaries will make you stand out...defining you.

Setting up boundaries, is to begin the process of becoming you.

 

A Hurt Child

It was late last night as I composed a letter to my mother, and I felt I had hit the high points, but yet....I wondered.  So, as I lay down to sleep, I asked for clarity in my dreams, to show me the true overview between, my mother, my daughter and me.

In my dream I was holding my daughter, she was a young girl.  I was carrying her around...and out of nowhere a figure appeared.  Eyes hidden by heavy scarred lids and hands reaching to hurt us.  

The feeling of the dream was my daughter's preciousness and me holding her and harm trying to do what harm does....harm.  I did not feel safe in this presence.  I felt stalked and pursued.

Waking in the middle of the night from this dream, it affirmed my intentions and my subconscious knowing; that my mother's energy and reckless regard for my boundaries is hurtful...with abuse as its flavor.

The key points I was trying to articulate in a letter...the draft letter, was that I had set up boundaries between us, that I have created a life where I have zero interaction and if she chooses to attend, she is deliberately abusing and overlooking my boundaries.

That the boundaries I was setting up, were boundaries that I needed as a child, that I am doing for my child, what she was unable to do for hers.  

It isn't a popularity contest, but rather healthy life choices, to remove and eliminate interactions with people who blindly harm. (hence the hooded eyes in the dream)

She appears unaware of how painful it will be for me, for her to walk over my 8 years of silence...OR that once again my feelings and my pain are not part of the equation as she makes her choice.

I also feel deeply, that her rights to attend, are the consequence for participating and being an accomplice to the sexual abuse in my childhood home.

She at those moments gave up her motherly and grandmotherly rights...with me.

She doesn't appear to know that her presence is hurtful...and yet she has never been aware of the pain that her children were in...lacking compassion.

It isn't me who has landed her into this spot....it was HER choices that got her there, and now she wants to go on like 'normal'.  And, may do so. 

I will fine tune the letter and send it.  

How she responds will be her choice.

I have very little confidence she will gracefully bow out, knowing it wasn't her right to attend anymore.  She may choose to stay away, but she will blame it on her daughter and my words.  Not seeing that I had no choice....that all my actions in the past 8 years are actions a mother does to keep abusive people out.

Many may feel that I have no right to say what I have to say to her, to even send her a letter, to even 'cheat' her of being at her granddaughter's wedding...they will see and feel her 'rights' being neglected.  They are incapable of standing on the victims side.

Another side will see how insane it is to even have to tell her to stay away. That she should surely know she is not welcome, that she will be intruding and breaking down the barriers to get in.  An unwelcome guest...due to our dysfunctional past and broken relationship.

I have been silent, after our one encounter, our one day of expressing my feelings and emotions, I have let her live her life in peace. I have not interjected what she can and cannot do.  I have allowed her access to my children.  I have given them space to be.  But this event is My family event. This is not her daughter, but mine. And, I feel that I have earned the right to be there.  I do not feel the same can be said for her.

The intricacies of estrangement and children who chose to erect boundaries against their parents due to abuse, is that there will be occasions where these lines will be crossed or challenged.  It requires us to once again state our desires and our needs. 

 If she, after getting the letter, that will clearly state my feelings, chooses to attend, she will be knowingly abusing me again.

What is abuse, if not taking actions without caring how it hurts another being.

What most fail to remember is she started this abusive relationship.  I did not abuse her first, but as a child, she abused me.  

I am not being a hurtful child, but a hurt child.

 

 

Stay away.

Long ago, my mother insinuated that there were two teams, mine and hers. And, she put herself and I in the captain positions.  Like we were long time competitors...and perhaps we were.  I had the attention of her husband in a sick sick way.  And to be honest, I have always felt the strain of this competition, one that seemed to be against my will.   Somehow I was the other woman.

I am sure this is correct in a twisted way.

 This competition just doesn't seem to go away. We seem to be team captains each time her and I have the chance to appear on the same stage.  

For the most part, with my family, I have chosen NOT to appear, which leaves her winning by forfeit.  I have left the competition...and wasn't interested in attending the same events she would be at.

The two 'captains' or teams have not been at the same event in over 8 years...

I eliminated the competition by not competing...but the two sides did not disappear, but rather they waited for a chance to compete.

Due to our 8 year estrangement and my lack of entering into her life, I felt that perhaps she would not enter into mine...that she would mirror back my desire to not be in her presence again.

That we could, without direct confrontation, again...stay separated.  That the kindest thing of all would be to honor each other by keeping our distance. But, she has been asking about the upcoming wedding...seeking to attend, instead of bowing out.

 This is one event I will attend...so, it feels like a forced competition to me...which at moments, eclipses the fun of planning a wedding.

 It is to have the accomplice of sexual abuse hold an honorary post called Grandma.

Two women both wanting their 'rightful' spot.

To me, I see it clear cut and dried. She, when assisting my father, LOST ALL RIGHTS to being the honorary grandmother at any event.

I had hoped she would knowingly stay away...feeling that my daughter's wedding isn't the time or the place for her to be using the grandma card.  

 Can I stop her from coming?  Is it my place to request it?  Is this making my daughters wedding be more about me than her?  What are my rights? Where is it okay to vote NO on the guest list?  If I had only one thing to vote on, it would be this. And, actually it is the only thing I have objected to.  

This is my second request in 8 years. The first one was to not put my daughter in the middle...to be the go between her and I.  It is like a competition by proxy.

And, this is how it feels again.

That my daughter is between her and I.

That she was supposed to chose between the two of us, who could/should/would attend her wedding day.

It is not my daughter's fight.

This is between two adult women whose relationship was boiled in abuse.

So, I will do my best to not have our toxic mess mix with my daughter's wedding.

And, I feel that the only way is for one of us not to attend.

I just can't see it any other way. There is no way you can put two opposing sides of abuse in the same room and not have drama.

It would be to pretend nothing happened.  

I am to pretend the abuse didn't happen, that she is a loving grandmother, that we have not been estranged for 8 years, etc....that we are thankful for all that we have and that we are all together...the prayer she uttered at each Sunday Dinner, where my father abused little girls.

The dinner she supported, knowing what was going on.

Now, she wants to attend a wedding, like nothing ever happened.

Really?

The clashing of our two teams is the reality that something did.  My team is the team of reality and which doesn't forget...her team is one that wants it all to just go away and for us to be a normal family.  

It is impossible. It left normal when she assisted my father and his pedophile ways.

Yep, 8 years later I am still singing the same ole tune...it doesn't matter to me if it is a wedding, in fact it makes it more so.  I wouldn't invite my rapist, so I certainly wouldn't invite the one who knew and did nothing.

To honor our estrangement, she would stay away.

PS....while taking a shower, it occurred to me, that the above conflict is the tone of what all children of abuse are battling with. That the parents (abusers) want to keep it normal and be a family, while the child (adult child) feels the incongruous sides...of how abuse and love can't mix. How hurt/pain and utter forceful abuse doesn't match the role of mother/father/grandparent.  It is like trying to blend oil and water.

The underlining struggle is thinking you can make harmony and normal with abuse.

 

 

Self Love

Art is an interesting journey and the one of the Artist even more so.  I wonder at its definition or its truest meaning...

Artist - "A person who produces paintings or drawings as a profession or hobby."

Art - "The expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture. Works produced by such skill and imagination."

The above definitions don't begin to tell the whole story of art and the artist...

I even wonder if Artist have a choice...for it is an inner passion that has to be expressed, like we are just along for the ride.

What I find very intriguing is the fear factor that comes with Art.  The fear of exposing yourself and rejection...how the art and self become one.

My journey into Art was an unconscious journey exposing my subconsciousness.

It reflected a self that I was unaware of, and perhaps still does...or does.

In the beginning, I was more concerned of how others saw my art and their subsequent approval...I needed their blessing to be okay.  So, even in my Art Relationship, it was very co-dependent.

As I unhinged myself from the outside and understood that my sense of self and self-worth was about me and me alone...my Art Relationship changed, as well as my Art, and even who I was concerned about while doing my art.

In quilting they have the Quilt Police, an imaginary group that hovers near your sewing maching keeping a critical eye, taunting you with your lack of perfection.

In Art, a similar aura walks with you, but its content mirrors your own self esteem.

I can see that Art and being an Artist, is an intimate relationship with your self witnessed by others. 

In the beginning, my Art was held up by the good opinion of others...as was I.

Now, I feel that my Art and I are way okay if no one loves us, for we are fully content and in love.

Certainly I love when others love my Ladies, but I am also way okay if they do not. Where in the past, their lack of agreement would have challenged my self worth.

How I feel about myself has a direct response within all relationships, especially in Art. 

Art that we make with our imagination and feelings, seems to then take on the personna of special friend, a love....and it is like we are dancing with our self.

I am not sure if all can follow this weird thrilling and terrifying journey of Art...being one of walking inside your self, but it is.

I would not have believed it, until I had seen my story line quilts all expressing the different levels of awakening...or self expressions I had of my self.

And, it stands to reason why some stop doing art, for it gets to be too intimate and so telling....and why others don't share or feel they are compensated enough or good enough etc.

It is like showing the world your soul.

Or even more, our relationship with our souls.  The inner speaking and feelings about how we feel about who we are.  A relationship between me and me.

Art is showing everyone how you feel about you...the relationship that steers all other relationships.  How well do you know you...how honest are you with your self, how deeply connected are you with your authentic self.

Doing Art is a visual documented picture composition, of the relationship inside of you. Your self worth and value and love Of you.

It is not about how others see and love you/Art....it is more about self love.

 

 A

 

 

 

Starving our Souls.

"When you get to the crossroad in your life and you have a choice to make, always take the harder, scarier road.  It is the one you were meant to take.  If you were truly happy on the road you were traveling, as well as the direction your life was taking, a crossroad would never have appeared.  The lessons you have to learn in your life will never be on the easy street, they will be on the road that challenges you. So take the hard road, draw a deep breath, and put yourself out there. You are stronger and braver than you think you are."  Joanne McPike.

What struck me while reading this is the idea of a crossroad, NOT happening If you are truly walking your authentic path...and that if there is on, it will be the junction between what is your truth and what is not....between doing what others want and doing what you feel is right for you.

I love this.

And, I agree that the hardest road is the right one...and it is scary...to get off of someone else's idea of what is right for your life. To go against popular oppinion and do what feels right inside.

And, that if you are on easy street, you are not learning the lessons life has to offer.

The toughest road I traveled was littered with valuable life lessons.

In many families and churches, there are strong influences that appear to be a crossroad, a place where two ideas cross your path.  Chosing the one that aligns with your passion and your desires, while going against the preferences of your parents...is the hard road.

Our individuality and authenticity is being on the road and not veering off when other's wishes are dropped in front of us.

Some of the hardest challenges to being yourself is to neglect what other's need...and serve your soul first.

I truly believe we can't help others while starving our souls.

Freely as who you are.

There is a great article in the O Magazine this month, by Martha Beck....here is a bit of it.

"Horse Sense"

"Avery looks utterly bewildered. Since her confusion is vital to the process, I just smile."

"I have brought Avery to my ranch today to help her understand why she feels anxious and uncertain in her life; why she rages at collegues, her children, her husband.  Though I've been serving as Avery's life coach for several weeks, there are things she can learn here, with Koelle and Ernie, that all the talking in the world could never convey."

"But Koelle's request has thrown her. "Do whatever you want?" she repeats.  It's clear she has no idea what that might be.  Since infancy, Avery - like most of us- has done what she's supposed to do, not what she wants to do. She knows how she's "supposed" to act as a wife, mother, employee. But in equine life coaching, there is no "supposed to." There is you, an animal and the present moment. What you do with the situation is your choice, and for Avery, choice is an unfamiliar prospect." 

"An equine coaching session consists of the following; You stand near a horse. You gesture to that horse. It gestures back. For a while, it all feels strange and random. But eventually, in a process beyond verbal description, you begin to feel a cell-deep, almost telepathic communication between you and the creature. Awakening your ability to connect with the horse allows you to understand yourself entirely in new ways. And in the weeks that follow, that understanding quietly transforms your life."

"But Avery isn't there yet. For now she just stares at Ernie paralyzed.  He wanders around keeping his distance, smelling the dirt."

"Then without warning, Avery begins to cry, "I feel like I'm supposed to do something," she says, "but I don't know what it is."

"And where else in your life do you feel that way?" asks Koelle."

"Avery's voice cracks as she answers, "Everywhere."

"Yes," Koelle says, "The way we do anything is the way we do everything.  How you react to the horse is how you react to the rest of your life. That's why we're here."

Skipping further into the article,

"Humans who can "speak" in the gestual language horses use to communicate with one another have demonstrated that these animals are amazingly cooperative. They've also found that horses always tell you exactly what they think - and here's where things get interesting, because what horses think of you happens to be what most people think of you, too. The difference; Horses won't lie about. Flattery, backstabbing, and hidden agendas are unknown to horses. They communicate what they feel, straight up, all the time. Which means that to gain their trust, humans must be genuine, clear and honest. Which is why horse whispering is such a powerful psychological intervention."

In the last part of the article....

"Ernie is now chewing vigorously on Avery's hair. She laughs nervously."

"Does that feel good to you?" asks Koelle."

"It is alright," says Avery, though her body has gone rigid."

"Really?" Koelle says. "It is all right to have horse teeth in your hair?"

"He means well."

"And he deserves to know what you really feel.  Tell him what you want and need.  We teach people how to treat us. Communicate."

"Avery pushes gingerly at Ernies muzzle. "No, no," she says weakly. But even to me, sitting several yards away, it's clear that her body language is saying, "Do whatever you want, just don't stop liking me." Ernie shoves her ear with his nose.

"Make your message stronger," says Koelle. "Stand up straight. Get big and loud. Use what you need when you need it.  How would you set boundaries with your kids or your employees?"

"Clearly not knowing what else to do Avery draws on the desparate anger she uses when exhausted, backed to the wall. "NO!" she se shouts, pushing both hands into Ernie's face. He reacts as you might if your favorite Aunt Millicent pulled a gun on you.  Leaping backward and spinning, he tears around the pen. Avery tries to slow him down by running at him, waving her hands. Ernie spins, spraying dirt, his hooves like thunder on the ground."

"Help!" Avery shouts."

Koelle has already stepped into the pen. She puts a hand on Avery's shoulder , breathing deeply and slowly. Immediately, Avery seems calmer. Koelle drops her eyes and gently raises her free hand, and Ernie slows to a trot, then to walk. Avery stares in disbelief."

"So," says Koelle, "When you set a boundary, is that pretty much how your kids and employees react, too?"

"Avery bursts out laughing, "Pretty much."

"We call that the exploding-doormat effect," I interject. You hold in your unhappiness until it's intolerable, then you blow up."

"That's what my mom always did." Avery says. "I didn't realize I was doing it too."

"You do what you were trained to do," says Koelle."

 

And further down in the article.....I love this part too.

"Why don't you suggest going for a walk together?" suggest Koelle.

"Avery takes a few steps, ad Ernie follows - until Avery tenses up and looks behind her. Then Ernie stops, snaps back his head."

"Were you afraid he wouldn't stay with you?" asks Koelle."

"Yes."

"Your fear scared him. And your need for him to follow feels icky-sticky, and clingy. If you're to lead, believe that he'll follow."  Martha Beck

 

It is my humble belief, that in the churches such as the FALC, OALC, etc, we lose our horse sense, even worse than just the run of the mill family preferences. And, if you were abused, even more.

That we have to learn how to speak the unspoken language of self. The feelings and truth that have been buried underneath layers of religious and family beliefs.

Finding your horse sense will be to live freely as who you are.

Fight the battle of Abuse alone.

"You can read and intellectualize the idea of rewiring your mind all you like, but you need to set the process in motion if you want to see results."

  Baron Baptiste

We can talk about changes that need to occurr and incidences that 'should' not be happening, but until we actually move in a new direction it is just air passing between our lips.  Nothing happens, until we move.

I can hear stories of abuse and the churches lack of responses, or their lack of education and resources; but it is all for naught, if the people are unwilling to move in a new direction.

I believe that many believe they "think" just like me, or "believe" just like me, that they do not condone or support abusers, and their lips tell me so...but their body moves in mysterious ways.

Intuitively I knew that my footsteps would follow my mother's IF I did not walk differently.  If I did not approach or face abuse...radically.

There just didn't seem to be a way to approach abuse in kind and gentle way, holding on to all relationships tied to it.  I know the churches, preach forgiveness, kindness and love...and prayer.  And, if it worked, there would be no abuse.

The shift that needs is on the other end of the spectrum.  It isn't about loving those who hurt you, but loving yourself enough to NOT be hurt.

Churches want to maintain their ideology and sentiments and their whole package and ways of treating 'sin'...while simultaneously taking a tough stand against abuse.

I have spoken to a woman of the OALC, and she has spoken to a preacher there, and supposedly, he will speak to the Elders to see what to do about abuse.

Doesn't it seem like it is a no brainer?  That a child would be able to tell you what to do. That it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when a grown adult man rapes a child, what we all need to do.

While we are all passing air through our lips, the children fight the battle of abuse alone.

 

 (My new fall color Lady...moving with confidence in a new direction)