In the past few days, a concept has settled more firmly in place, an understanding of how life goes and how we go with it or struggle against it....how, IF we have a clear and firm knowing about ourself, we can be tossed when life flips sideways, but we, the inside part of us, can remain unchanged.
I discovered that we can't control the outside, but we can control how we react to it. I believe that many want to feel in control by controlling the outside instead of learning how to feel emotions on the inside.
It is like breaking free of the borderline disease....or at the very least getting the concept.
I had to look up the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder....
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."
"A person suffering of a borderline disorder swings between adult's behavior and disturbed childish behavior. The adult behavior of the Borderline can suddenly collapse without apparent provocation resulting in tears or a seemingly infantile show of anger"
Wow.
Here is how I was feeling about the upcoming meeting with my mother, that I would lose control OR that I wanted to control it, by demanding she not attend my daughter's wedding. That in order for me to remain peaceful, I would change the outside. I then decided I would shore up my insides with as much yoga as possible between now and then, and be the best strong I can be.
In reading the above definitions, it was to get a tight rein on my emotions.
I feared or felt fear of being unstable around her. Of going off. I guess of being swept away by turbulent emotions, of losing my handle of being an adult and regressing into infantile behaviors; out of control.
What I didn't know about the borderline stuff....was that it was sliding quickly from adult to child.
And, it feels completely like that.
I thought borderline was to take on the personality or energies of someone, but it is much more about when the outside world changes or is beyond our control, we revert inside to being a child, overwhelmed with turbulent emotions.
And, when I am present with my mother, there are volumes of turbulent emotions that can feel like a tsunami inside. And, it will be a challenge to hold my peace and be a 'gracious' adult...with the accomplice to so much sexual abuse our family has suffered.
To recognize that at times, life's situations are out of our control, but that doesn't mean we have to lose control. We can still steer our bodies, surf our emotions; feel this. And, we have the right to move away.
I believe that for anyone who has become estranged due to unsightly actions, it is a landmine for being sucked into emotions that can leave us without adult supervision...in our head; we lose our grasp on self.
NOT giving up my inner power and self control, is my ultimate goal, to remain tall and confident; an adult.
Looking back at our one meeting, after learning of my father's sexual abuse towards so many girls, I stayed an adult, while the swirling emotions flowed beneath me. I did, rightly so, become enraged, at her lack of owning her part. But, all in all, I was completely in control and not a whimpering child.
I am not looking forward to sharing space with her, but I know from experience, I can retain my self in her presence. This is huge, for more often than not in our relationship, she always had the upper hand.
The concept of having unstable and turbulent emotions...is most likely the make-up of our emotions in abuse.
It is no wonder, when we once again have to meet face to face, the imprint of them will be present.
But, the good news is, I am no longer a child. I am no longer someone to be twirled around and controlled.
I feel that I am justified in my reluctance to be around her...she did not display loving actions towards me.
But, what I am finding out, is that the world and many people in it, are out of my control, and the more I can keep myself from sliding into infantile responses, the more distance I will gain from this borderline disorder.
I did not know, it was to lose your grip on acting like an adult.
Perhaps being gracious is too lofty of a goal, I just have to hold on to being an adult...and I can clearly see how it is when the world seems so large, so messy, so out of control, it reduces you to feel like a child, like it is way too much to handle.
And, I was right to get back to yoga to make a strong connection between mind, body and soul! Being an adult you hold yourself in check.
I worried about how or what she will say and do, but I lost control of that, and knew all I could control was me. And, I knew that being strong inside and out was the key to keep me from being upset.
I love that I know what this disorder really is....it is losing sight of adult choices.
