What is traumatizing and what is healing, when it comes to abuse; sex crimes? What is helpful and what is not? When should the discussion be silenced and what will empower the victim? I lean far into breaking the silence. And, what does breaking the silence mean?
Does it mean using anonymous when speaking of your sex crime? Does it mean keeping the abusers name from being spoken? What is breaking the silence IF it isn't saying what happened and by whom?
Somehow I am missing something, failing to recognize another way of healing of keeping silent. To me, silence is the way it has been, the pattern that allows victims to be victimized and abusers to abuse. It is the wall of protection FOR the ABUSER and it works brilliantly.
I also wonder about some feeling it is too traumatizing to speak out, to use your name and name the abuser. Is it the speaking out, OR the onslought of defending responses of the abuser? Is it NOT the speaking out that is the trouble but who you speak out to.
My family of origin have not been eager listeners when I have spoken out. They did not want to hear about my father's sex crimes or treat him like a criminal...so they instead treated me as such, in order to maintain their family.
I am not sure the speaking out is traumatic when and if you have support, but it will definitely be if you have family who wants family above all else....and that means above the crime that has been done to you.
It is my humble opinion, that speaking out and calling monsters monsters isn't where the trouble lies, but rather in the reactions and responses of those listening.
We keep wanting the victims to speak a certain way, but say nothing about those listening.
What good does it do to not know that many in the family are not supporting you?
They are not supporting you when they defend a father, act like he still is one...instead of the master mind of sexual crimes.
The second trauma to the victim IS the response of not acting like he is a criminal.
To me, this is equally as traumatizing as the first offense...and this is what the fear is for new victims, that they can't articulate good enough to change people's minds and behaviors.
What most fail to consider is how when they continue to treat the abuser as normal, and what it does to the victims.
We want to "protect" the victims by not advocating breaking the silence...for we know that they will not all be believed, that folks will not all fall into line behind them, naturally.
Our greatest fear isn't about the sex crime and the criminal, but about the silence and disbelief of the 'good' folks.
It is traumatizing to see the abuser surrounded by family.
Many will claim many things as to why and it now falls upon our deaf ears.
Is there really a good enough reason to do anything for those who abuse children with sexual acts? Really? What reason can there possibly be for doing anything for them after that?
I witnessed some bring him a cognac, paying his defense fees, bringing him tobacco, gathering his things, driving him to Texas, allowing him a lesser sentence, offering him free rent, giving him a home, bringing him food, etc, etc. Treating him not like the monster he was, but like the father they needed.
So, as some want to caution me about "Asking" others to break the silence, to speak the truth, to call him a monster etc.....it isn't about saying your name, your crime against you OR even the abusers name, It is about you having to change your world.
You don't want the silence to be broken for you don't want the relationship to break.
Breaking the silence means breaking the family.
And, it will be traumatizing. But, is it not better than believing you have a loving family when what you have is one which supports abuse?
Children who are sexually abused lose their own sense of innocence, but they also lose their sense of security and family love. For most children do tell, but they are not heard.
In my father's case most of the children did tell. Fathers did not listen. Mothers did not listen. Preachers did not listen.
We as a society are not used to hearing what is told by a child...especially if it is against a family member. I was big and loud and articulate and still my family marched on. Criminal behavior was supported by their actions.
Perhaps the message isn't then breaking the silence as much as it is willing to hear the child. Hear and response in a way that clearly states, I do not support sexual crimes...no matter what.
One of the loudest messages I was given was "Family is Family NO MATTER WHAT." And, when sex crimes come, family was stronger. It held together no matter what words I used or how I strung them together.
The response you give when you hear about another's abuse can either be the second trauma or the healing balm.
The healing balm is to have others believe us.
