IMPERFECT Lady

Light is back on.

The difference between the Self that I am today and the one I was before I recognized my sexual abuse, is like night and day, literally Light and Dark.  

It is hard to recognize the old me, whose insides were so dark, while trying so hard to shine bright.  My own awareness unaware of who I was and what I had experienced and its consequences.  Living lie, unaware...in denial.  

You would think, that I would have been shining inside, since I did not know know.

That I would FEEL innocent, if my mind didn't record the abuse. But, there was an inner feeling of not being good enough, always. That I couldn't pull off what others expected of me.

What I didn't realize, is that they wanted me to be un-abused...to be un-disturbed.

And, there aren't enough dances to dance or things to change, that will un-do sexual abuse.  

This inner feelings of not being able to satisfy or that just being me wasn't enough, had me unhappy with myself, instead of unhappy with the outside.

Once, I fully embraced my sexual abuse, I was able to feel bright inside.

You would think, it would devast and wreck your insides, but instead I felt Right for the first time in my life.  I made sense.  My whole world made sense.  Folks and feelings matched.

I could never be good enough for them, for I could never not be abused, and that is what they wanted.

While again, riding my lawn mower, I replayed an earlier conversation, about my responses to the different things my children have experienced.  And, I found I have a inner scale upon which I weigh their choices.  If their spirits are happy, life is good...no worries.  If their inner light goes dark, I am on high alert.  

I have no standards or set desires for them.  I don't have perferences and choices that will make me happier or make me dark....all I have is one indicator light that I watch, "is their spirit happy"?

It is my belief, that sexual abuse, physical abuse, touches our soul.  It changes it from light to dark.  It wounds our love, peace and joy.  It tears the innocence of trust and darkens our worlds.

It isn't that we turn dark, but our worlds do.  

Something has changed in our worlds. 

I was going to write, when parents miss the spirit's light dimming, we slip into a dark world...trying to make it right.  But, often IT is the parents that are doing the abusing.

What needs to happen is someone has to recognize the dark world of abuse that lives in so many lives of children. We keep focusing on the child, when we need to see the adult lives with whom they live.

And, I am not so certain, you can see the Spirit Light indicator, if you own light is dark.

I know, that as a mom, I am now able to rightly see what is dark and what is light...now that my inner light is back on.

Our Churches

My mind has been twisting around the ideas of not speaking up, not naming names, well pretty much not telling on someone... and the word secret rang out each time.    I couldn't find a word of silence that was helpful for the victims and damning to the abuser.  Just damning for the victim...in silence.   My list for the victim remained empty, while the abuser had a laundry list of reason he would perfer silence.   While mowing tonight, I wondered, what is the real definition of a secret....and here it is. Secret, Adjective Not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others: "a secret plan".

Noun Something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others: "a state secret". In the context of abuser/victim, what needs or wants to remain unknow?   We all know the answer...it is the inappropriate sexual acts, the sexual misconduct, the child raping that is going on.  There are not positive secrets that want to remain hidden and unknow, but rather all the negative things that are to be kept UNKNOWN. It is far more crucial for the abuser that silence surround this 'issue'. As far as I can tell, He/She is the only one who benefits.   I am not sure if folks realize that you are actually part of the act, part of the event when you know and say nothing.  You are the chorus, the backup non-voices in the silence...keeping the crime from being known.   How is it beneficial to anyone to keep abuse a secret. AND, if this secret keeping business worked in regards to abuse, abuse would be eradicated from our societies, instead it is spreading beyond what our minds can hold.   Keeping secrets about abuse only helps the abuser continue on unchecked. While talking to a reporter, she mentioned how in prisons, the people who commit crimes, especially sex crimes, against children are often sought out and punished, segregated and seen as the lowest of criminals.  Imagine, the prisoners know and stand against these guys, while the free 'good' folks will sit with them in churches. It is wildly insane that even the criminals know enough to part ways....and yet so many 'good' christians are unwilling to see these guys in their true colors. Unwilling to face their crimes, instead pretend that all is well. Or at least Act like they are the upstanding citizens in our society. In fact, there seems to be more truth in prison than in our churches.

I Was Once a Victim Too // News // Notre Dame Magazine // University of Notre Dame

I Was Once a Victim Too // News // Notre Dame Magazine // University of Notre Dame.

This article is well written and shows how the church 'deals' with abuse....and how there is a better way.

I highly recommend reading it.  It is long, but filled with pertinent information that will inspire and shed light upon how the church has managed to keep it stuck.

Reasons for silence...

Here is a comment from my last post.  I wanted to re-post it here and along with my comment...

"While I understand your circumstances left you deeply wounded, abuse situations vary greatly. There are legitimate reasons for not pushing for transparency.

"One is legal. Minor's identities are protected by law. When they are an adult, they can make the choice but it should not be made for them nor should they be pressured when they aren't aware of all the ramifications."

"Another is ethical. Allowing the victim control over the case honors their autonomy, which was ripped away by the crime." 

"A third is strategic. During an abuse investigation, the threat of exposure can be a significant motivation for the abuser to cooperate. Attorneys often withhold details as bargaining chips. "

"I'm sure there are other reasons, too . . . . these are just the ones of which I'm aware."

"I agree that the response you give when you hear about another's abuse is important, that abuse should be exposed, and abusers should be named and shamed. But the methods and timing will vary with the circumstances, and the victim should have as much control as possible."  Free

I appreciate Free commenting and being so detailed in her reasoning, helping us all see things differently...but, I am not so much deeply wounded, but wise.

Or at least I feel less wounded and more aware.  And, maybe being wounded means you are experienced in the aftermath of abuse.

While I do appreciate your reasons, I am also aware that there will always be reasons to be silent.  It typically starts with the abuser. Then, not wanting to hurt the family or friends, or church or something. Like our words will be the kill joy to so much.  And, then the lawyers have reasons....it goes on and on.

I am not suggesting children of abuse, adult or otherwise, do things they don't want to do, but I am suggesting the freedom that comes when you no longer live with secrets.

It somehow feels wrong that "threat for exposure" be a tool....to bargain with.  It should be mandatory to be exposed.  It is like the law is helping with the silence.

Maybe I am wrong and I just don't get it or refuse to see the details but some of the reasons just don't make sense to me.

The whole culture of 'protecting the victims rights' seems backwards.  

Our rights is to have the truth be told.  That even newspapers are not allowed to print the victims names.  This hiding of us, makes it seem shameful to be abused...like it is best others NOT know.

Whispering and keeping it quiet makes it shameful.

What other crimes are treated this way???

None.

And, these are extremely intimate, BUT not secretive...or yes done in the dark, but they are not something WE Victims should be silent about.

This whole cultural thing of silence and privacy makes it seem like we are part of something bad, like when do we get to be out and loud?

To me, we need to flip this around completely.  

Not only within our families, but within churches and the courts of the land.

How dare the lawyers use the "Threat of exposure" as a bargain tool...it should be a given...you do sex crimes we will speak up.

The victims need for being anonymous would be null and void, if we didn't treat these crimes so differently.  How often do you hear of theft, and burglary as something shameful?

Why are sex crimes so secretive?  It seems they start out in secret and get left in that mode.  I am just trying to open them up...to free them from the silence.

And, I know no matter how hard I try to do this, there will be reasons for silence...

Believe Us.

What is traumatizing and what is healing, when it comes to abuse; sex crimes? What is helpful and what is not?  When should the discussion be silenced and what will empower the victim?  I lean far into breaking the silence.  And, what does breaking the silence mean?

Does it mean using anonymous when speaking of your sex crime?  Does it mean keeping the abusers name from being spoken? What is breaking the silence IF it isn't saying what happened and by whom?

Somehow I am missing something, failing to recognize another way of healing of keeping silent.  To me, silence is the way it has been, the pattern that allows victims to be victimized and abusers to abuse.  It is the wall of protection FOR the ABUSER and it works brilliantly.

I also wonder about some feeling it is too traumatizing to speak out, to use your name and name the abuser.  Is it the speaking out, OR the onslought of defending responses of the abuser?  Is it NOT the speaking out that is the trouble but who you speak out to.  

My family of origin have not been eager listeners when I have spoken out.  They did not want to hear about my father's sex crimes or treat him like a criminal...so they instead treated me as such, in order to maintain their family.

I am not sure the speaking out is traumatic when and if you have support, but it will definitely be if you have family who wants family above all else....and that means above the crime that has been done to you.

It is my humble opinion, that speaking out and calling monsters monsters isn't where the trouble lies, but rather in the reactions and responses of those listening.

We keep wanting the victims to speak a certain way, but say nothing about those listening.

What good does it do to not know that many in the family are not supporting you?

They are not supporting you when they defend a father, act like he still is one...instead of the master mind of sexual crimes.

The second trauma to the victim IS the response of not acting like he is a criminal.

To me, this is equally as traumatizing as the first offense...and this is what the fear is for new victims, that they can't articulate good enough to change people's minds and behaviors.

What most fail to consider is how when they continue to treat the abuser as normal, and what it does to the victims.

We want to "protect" the victims by not advocating breaking the silence...for we know that they will not all be believed, that folks will not all fall into line behind them, naturally. 

Our greatest fear isn't about the sex crime and the criminal, but about the silence and disbelief of the 'good' folks.

It is traumatizing to see the abuser surrounded by family.

Many will claim many things as to why and it now falls upon our deaf ears.  

Is there really a good enough reason to do anything for those who abuse children with sexual acts?  Really?  What reason can there possibly be for doing anything for them after that?

I witnessed some bring him a cognac, paying his defense fees, bringing him tobacco, gathering his things, driving him to Texas, allowing him a lesser sentence, offering him free rent, giving him a home, bringing him food, etc, etc. Treating him not like the monster he was, but like the father they needed.

So, as some want to caution me about "Asking" others to break the silence, to speak the truth, to call him a monster etc.....it isn't about saying your name, your crime against you OR even the abusers name, It is about you having to change your world.

You don't want the silence to be broken for you don't want the relationship to break.

Breaking the silence means breaking the family.

And, it will be traumatizing. But, is it not better than believing you have a loving family when what you have is one which supports abuse?

Children who are sexually abused lose their own sense of innocence, but they also lose their sense of security and family love.  For most children do tell, but they are not heard.  

In my father's case most of the children did tell.  Fathers did not listen. Mothers did not listen. Preachers did not listen.

We as a society are not used to hearing what is told by a child...especially if it is against a family member.  I was big and loud and articulate and still my family marched on.  Criminal behavior was supported by their actions.

Perhaps the message isn't then breaking the silence as much as it is willing to hear the child.  Hear and response in a way that clearly states, I do not support sexual crimes...no matter what.

One of the loudest messages I was given was "Family is Family NO MATTER WHAT."  And, when sex crimes come, family was stronger. It held together no matter what words I used or how I strung them together.

The response you give when you hear about another's abuse can either be the second trauma or the healing balm.

The healing balm is to have others believe us.

Signpost of Abuse

In the definition of Borderline Personality disorder, the term "Disturbed Child" was used...in a way that allowed me to see how you would feel within this disorder. How you swing from an adult into a disturbed child...mostly when there is chaos or stress.

And then I wondered about the cause or start of this condition, "How did the child become disturbed?"  

I looked up the word "Disturbed".

"Having had its normal pattern or function disrupted."

"to intrude on; interrupt; to destroy or interrupt the quietness or peace of; to disarrange; muddle; often passive to upset or agitate; trouble..."

"marked by symptoms of mental illness: a disturbed personality. 2. agitated or distressed; disrupted: disturbed seas; a disturbed situation. noun

We often see a disturbed child, but not what has set it spinning.

What intruded or interrupted their peace and quiet?  What came into their worlds and stole their innocence?  And, how do you get them back to being 'undisturbed'?  Is that even possible?

While some see the disturbed child, I see the disturbed adult.  I see the abuser entering into the child's peace.  

I see the family destroyed by the abuser, by shattering the peace and safety of family.  

I see others holding on to 'family' like it is a life line to their own sense of peace.

I also wonder, if you are born into disturbance, how do you discern disturbance?

What I didn't know was peace.  

I didn't know how it felt to be completely filled with resting peace and not be shocked awake in the middle of night with terror, to always feel that 'something' isn't right, but not know what that something was.  To not feel like I should be doing more or trying harder, or not good enough....to not be at peace with who I am and the choices I made.

Also, I experienced the behaviors of being a disturbed child as an adult...as a mom. I could go from zero to 60 in seconds, from in control to completely out of control, when things did not go according to my plan. 

I did not know that getting this disturbed child self inside me under control, had more to do with getting me to see the disturbed family I was born into...than to curbing my rage and anger.  

Once I understood the churning waters of incest...I felt better inside.  I no longer expected me to make that normal or to fit into it...or change it.  I accepted my past and began moving away from things that disturbed my inner peace.

I love that I no longer have to tolerate or put up with disturbing folks.  And, that I have a keen feeling of what disturbs my peace...and the right to say no to what doesn't feel right to me.

As a child who suffers incest, you have nowhere to go to escape...especially when all the adults around you want to maintain normal.  

Whether it is family or church, most will fight to defend it and discount any disturbance that is contradictory to what they believe.

It continues to boggle my mind the extent people will go to to not know...to overlook each new disturbance that comes in, each piece of evidence that would rock their world...as to not require them to make changes or look deeply into relationships and beliefs.

How they hold on tighter and blame the disturbance on those who dare speak.

I feel and have felt that I am a complete disturbance....the cause rather than one who has experienced a disturbed father and mother. That I am more to blame for the family being torn apart or the estrangement.  Yet remember that estrangement means "alienation: separation resulting from hostility."

I didn't move away because I am disturbed, but rather that our family is.

It wasn't that I moved from love or peace, but away from the disturbance.

It has been helpful to the disturbed child in me to literally be able to walk away...what I could not do as a child.

I also believe, whether you see the disturbance or not, you will feel the affects...the disturbance will brew inside of you, a time bomb waiting to explode...a pit in your gut waiting to be soothed by something.  Perhaps what you don't see outside manifests itself inside.

What we label as a disturbed child is literally a sign that there is someone/thing that is disturbing the family.  They are but a signpost of abuse.

The Right to do what you want.

We left the 4th behind us and I wonder how we all look at freedom, how we attempt to attain it and how we need others to get it.  Freedom, personal freedom isn't that easy to navigate...especially when you have deep ingrown roots of the FALC.

What is the definition of freedom?

"The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hinderance or restraint."

 "Absence of subjection to foreign domination or despotic government."

I see religion taking away the freedom to act, speak or think....and how do they restrain us?  By putting in the fear of Hell or the wrath of God.

When we think of freedom we seldom appreciate the lack of our own personal freedoms in our daily lives.  How we have given up our power to speak our minds, to question others, and to act differently than we were raised.  

We mostly think of the 4th of July, the day of Independence to be a free country, but never look deeply at all the ways we have given up our personal independence of being our self, of speaking our truths, of following others for peace, and even love.

But, to me, love and freedom are one and the same.

I don't believe you can have love if you are not free.

I feel that I am free...or at least less bound by other's good opinion of what is good for me, right for me, and there are very little if any strings that are making me move...I feel independent.

And, what I discovered in yoga today, that I used to do yoga to rid myself of pain, that it was a healing tool.  Now, while there is still some pain to work through, I am using it to build me.  

It is like so many choices were to gain my freedom, that I wasn't looking to build a self.

Life seems to keep giving me things to free me more and to make me stronger; all the parts that are not free are coming forth to be looked at and worked on.

Each time I feel stress and angst, it is when a part of me is not free.  When I sit in that, I find the answers that free me.

Being freely myself allows those around me to be freely themselves.  We then all have the right to move towards or away from each other.  

This to me is the greatest gift to your self, the right to do what you want.

Who we stand with....

A reporter is interested in talking to you!  

Here is the what prompted it....taken from EX-Toots blog.

 "Paris Achen, a reporter at the Columbian newspaper, is working on a story about sex abuse in Clark County, Washington, and would like victims to contact her. Their names and relationships will not be published. She can be contacted at 360-735-4551."

"My understanding about what gave rise to this reporter's interest is her surprise at the number of supporters attending a hearing for a child rapist."

"They were OALC churchmembers there to support him. Not the victims."  Ex-toot

Imagine the impact the churchmembers had upon the victim and the family?  How more blatant can they be?  How can you spin this a different way?  What possible "faith" type words can be added to explain their lack of concern and outrage?

I am hopeful that this reporters phone will be ringing off the hook.  

This also affirms my experiences of the church and its members....and I am happy she felt it so abnormal, it is worthy of research.

If at anytime you wanted to share your story, now is the time to lend your support for the victims.  It isn't that they are being treated differently, this is the norm within the churches....of these similar faiths.

We all have the choice of who we stand with.

 

Adult Choices.

In the past few days, a concept has settled more firmly in place, an understanding of how life goes and how we go with it or struggle against it....how, IF we have a clear and firm knowing about ourself, we can be tossed when life flips sideways, but we, the inside part of us, can remain unchanged. 

I discovered that we can't control the outside, but we can control how we react to it. I believe that many want to feel in control by controlling the outside instead of learning how to feel emotions on the inside.

It is like breaking free of the borderline disease....or at the very least getting the concept.

I had to look up the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder....

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions. These inner experiences often result in impulsive actions and chaotic relationships with other people."

"A person suffering of a borderline disorder swings between adult's behavior and disturbed childish behavior. The adult behavior of the Borderline can suddenly collapse without apparent provocation resulting in tears or a seemingly infantile show of anger" 

Wow.  

Here is how I was feeling about the upcoming meeting with my mother, that I would lose control OR that I wanted to control it, by demanding she not attend my daughter's wedding.  That in order for me to remain peaceful, I would change the outside.  I then decided I would shore up my insides with as much yoga as possible between now and then, and be the best strong I can be.

In reading the above definitions, it was to get a tight rein on my emotions.

I feared or felt fear of being unstable around her.  Of going off.  I guess of being swept away by turbulent emotions, of losing my handle of being an adult and regressing into infantile behaviors; out of control.

What I didn't know about the borderline stuff....was that it was sliding quickly from adult to child.

And, it feels completely like that.

I thought borderline was to take on the personality or energies of someone, but it is much more about when the outside world changes or is beyond our control, we revert inside to being a child, overwhelmed with turbulent emotions.

And, when I am present with my mother, there are volumes of turbulent emotions that can feel like a tsunami inside.  And, it will be a challenge to hold my peace and be a 'gracious' adult...with the accomplice to so much sexual abuse our family has suffered.

To recognize that at times, life's situations are out of our control, but that doesn't mean we have to lose control.  We can still steer our bodies, surf our emotions; feel this.  And, we have the right to move away.

I believe that for anyone who has become estranged due to unsightly actions, it is a landmine for being sucked into emotions that can leave us without adult supervision...in our head; we lose our grasp on self.

NOT giving up my inner power and self control, is my ultimate goal, to remain tall and confident; an adult.  

Looking back at our one meeting, after learning of my father's sexual abuse towards so many girls, I stayed an adult, while the swirling emotions flowed beneath me.  I did, rightly so, become enraged, at her lack of owning her part.  But, all in all, I was completely in control and not a whimpering child.

I am not looking forward to sharing space with her, but I know from experience, I can retain my self in her presence. This is huge, for more often than not in our relationship, she always had the upper hand.

The concept of having unstable and turbulent emotions...is most likely the make-up of our emotions in abuse.

It is no wonder, when we once again have to meet face to face, the imprint of them will be present.  

But, the good news is, I am no longer a child.  I am no longer someone to be twirled around and controlled.

I feel that I am justified in my reluctance to be around her...she did not display loving actions towards me.

But, what I am finding out, is that the world and many people in it, are out of my control, and the more I can keep myself from sliding into infantile responses, the more distance I will gain from this borderline disorder.

I did not know, it was to lose your grip on acting like an adult.

Perhaps being gracious is too lofty of a goal, I just have to hold on to being an adult...and I can clearly see how it is when the world seems so large, so messy, so out of control, it reduces you to feel like a child, like it is way too much to handle.

And, I was right to get back to yoga to make a strong connection between mind, body and soul!  Being an adult you hold yourself in check.  

I worried about how or what she will say and do, but I lost control of that, and knew all I could control was me.  And, I knew that being strong inside and out was the key to keep me from being upset.

I love that I know what this disorder really is....it is losing sight of adult choices.