In the definition of Borderline Personality disorder, the term "Disturbed Child" was used...in a way that allowed me to see how you would feel within this disorder. How you swing from an adult into a disturbed child...mostly when there is chaos or stress.
And then I wondered about the cause or start of this condition, "How did the child become disturbed?"
I looked up the word "Disturbed".
"Having had its normal pattern or function disrupted."
"to intrude on; interrupt; to destroy or interrupt the quietness or peace of; to disarrange; muddle; often passive to upset or agitate; trouble..."
"marked by symptoms of mental illness: a disturbed personality. 2. agitated or distressed; disrupted: disturbed seas; a disturbed situation. noun
We often see a disturbed child, but not what has set it spinning.
What intruded or interrupted their peace and quiet? What came into their worlds and stole their innocence? And, how do you get them back to being 'undisturbed'? Is that even possible?
While some see the disturbed child, I see the disturbed adult. I see the abuser entering into the child's peace.
I see the family destroyed by the abuser, by shattering the peace and safety of family.
I see others holding on to 'family' like it is a life line to their own sense of peace.
I also wonder, if you are born into disturbance, how do you discern disturbance?
What I didn't know was peace.
I didn't know how it felt to be completely filled with resting peace and not be shocked awake in the middle of night with terror, to always feel that 'something' isn't right, but not know what that something was. To not feel like I should be doing more or trying harder, or not good enough....to not be at peace with who I am and the choices I made.
Also, I experienced the behaviors of being a disturbed child as an adult...as a mom. I could go from zero to 60 in seconds, from in control to completely out of control, when things did not go according to my plan.
I did not know that getting this disturbed child self inside me under control, had more to do with getting me to see the disturbed family I was born into...than to curbing my rage and anger.
Once I understood the churning waters of incest...I felt better inside. I no longer expected me to make that normal or to fit into it...or change it. I accepted my past and began moving away from things that disturbed my inner peace.
I love that I no longer have to tolerate or put up with disturbing folks. And, that I have a keen feeling of what disturbs my peace...and the right to say no to what doesn't feel right to me.
As a child who suffers incest, you have nowhere to go to escape...especially when all the adults around you want to maintain normal.
Whether it is family or church, most will fight to defend it and discount any disturbance that is contradictory to what they believe.
It continues to boggle my mind the extent people will go to to not know...to overlook each new disturbance that comes in, each piece of evidence that would rock their world...as to not require them to make changes or look deeply into relationships and beliefs.
How they hold on tighter and blame the disturbance on those who dare speak.
I feel and have felt that I am a complete disturbance....the cause rather than one who has experienced a disturbed father and mother. That I am more to blame for the family being torn apart or the estrangement. Yet remember that estrangement means "alienation: separation resulting from hostility."
I didn't move away because I am disturbed, but rather that our family is.
It wasn't that I moved from love or peace, but away from the disturbance.
It has been helpful to the disturbed child in me to literally be able to walk away...what I could not do as a child.
I also believe, whether you see the disturbance or not, you will feel the affects...the disturbance will brew inside of you, a time bomb waiting to explode...a pit in your gut waiting to be soothed by something. Perhaps what you don't see outside manifests itself inside.
What we label as a disturbed child is literally a sign that there is someone/thing that is disturbing the family. They are but a signpost of abuse.
