Long ago, my mother insinuated that there were two teams, mine and hers. And, she put herself and I in the captain positions. Like we were long time competitors...and perhaps we were. I had the attention of her husband in a sick sick way. And to be honest, I have always felt the strain of this competition, one that seemed to be against my will. Somehow I was the other woman.
I am sure this is correct in a twisted way.
This competition just doesn't seem to go away. We seem to be team captains each time her and I have the chance to appear on the same stage.
For the most part, with my family, I have chosen NOT to appear, which leaves her winning by forfeit. I have left the competition...and wasn't interested in attending the same events she would be at.
The two 'captains' or teams have not been at the same event in over 8 years...
I eliminated the competition by not competing...but the two sides did not disappear, but rather they waited for a chance to compete.
Due to our 8 year estrangement and my lack of entering into her life, I felt that perhaps she would not enter into mine...that she would mirror back my desire to not be in her presence again.
That we could, without direct confrontation, again...stay separated. That the kindest thing of all would be to honor each other by keeping our distance. But, she has been asking about the upcoming wedding...seeking to attend, instead of bowing out.
This is one event I will attend...so, it feels like a forced competition to me...which at moments, eclipses the fun of planning a wedding.
It is to have the accomplice of sexual abuse hold an honorary post called Grandma.
Two women both wanting their 'rightful' spot.
To me, I see it clear cut and dried. She, when assisting my father, LOST ALL RIGHTS to being the honorary grandmother at any event.
I had hoped she would knowingly stay away...feeling that my daughter's wedding isn't the time or the place for her to be using the grandma card.
Can I stop her from coming? Is it my place to request it? Is this making my daughters wedding be more about me than her? What are my rights? Where is it okay to vote NO on the guest list? If I had only one thing to vote on, it would be this. And, actually it is the only thing I have objected to.
This is my second request in 8 years. The first one was to not put my daughter in the middle...to be the go between her and I. It is like a competition by proxy.
And, this is how it feels again.
That my daughter is between her and I.
That she was supposed to chose between the two of us, who could/should/would attend her wedding day.
It is not my daughter's fight.
This is between two adult women whose relationship was boiled in abuse.
So, I will do my best to not have our toxic mess mix with my daughter's wedding.
And, I feel that the only way is for one of us not to attend.
I just can't see it any other way. There is no way you can put two opposing sides of abuse in the same room and not have drama.
It would be to pretend nothing happened.
I am to pretend the abuse didn't happen, that she is a loving grandmother, that we have not been estranged for 8 years, etc....that we are thankful for all that we have and that we are all together...the prayer she uttered at each Sunday Dinner, where my father abused little girls.
The dinner she supported, knowing what was going on.
Now, she wants to attend a wedding, like nothing ever happened.
Really?
The clashing of our two teams is the reality that something did. My team is the team of reality and which doesn't forget...her team is one that wants it all to just go away and for us to be a normal family.
It is impossible. It left normal when she assisted my father and his pedophile ways.
Yep, 8 years later I am still singing the same ole tune...it doesn't matter to me if it is a wedding, in fact it makes it more so. I wouldn't invite my rapist, so I certainly wouldn't invite the one who knew and did nothing.
To honor our estrangement, she would stay away.
PS....while taking a shower, it occurred to me, that the above conflict is the tone of what all children of abuse are battling with. That the parents (abusers) want to keep it normal and be a family, while the child (adult child) feels the incongruous sides...of how abuse and love can't mix. How hurt/pain and utter forceful abuse doesn't match the role of mother/father/grandparent. It is like trying to blend oil and water.
The underlining struggle is thinking you can make harmony and normal with abuse.
