It came to me yesterday, that setting up boundaries is a fuzzy idea, but not one we take and pick apart. It seems to be a phrase that sounds good, but what does it mean? What is a boundary and how do you establish one? How visible are these so called boundaries or the lack of them?
As I have been composing a letter of NO to my mother about her attendance at my daughter's wedding, it came to me, that is a boundary. Saying no is building a boundary. Stating a choice is also a boundary. Speaking your preference is establishing borders and fences, defining who you are.
And, I have also noticed that most people have very few boundaries, or ones that are weak and easily gotten over. To me, it is the after affect of being abused; we lose the right to protect ourselves. We may even have never been taught how to by the lack of seeing it in action via our parents.
My father had zero regard to the word no...as he sexually absused each little girl, whose whole demeanor screamed NO.
My mother stood on the other side of no, she didn't believe she had the right to say no.
To me, the most valuable boundary is the ability to say yes and the option to say no.
And, anyone who doesn't hear your no, isn't capable of loving you. And, there can't be a solid trusting relationship, if you are not allowed to say no.
Our most intense empowerment word is NO.
A boundary that allows us to protect our self...from being hurt.
Children whose ability for choice is removed, are more in danger of being abused. Children who are born into these cult like religions of the FALC, OALC etc. Where you are not allowed the freedom to choose.
Predators naturally gravitate to the ones who are too kind to say no.
And, conversely, our society feels that kindness is a virtue.
The word that I have the most respect for is No.
For, if you can't say No, I do not trust your yes.....as Byron Katie says.
Your yes, could be a pretend yes....while your inner feelings are NO.
I no longer pretend to pretend, to pretend...when I see the two options...I love my ability to speak No as easily now as I used to say yes.
In each of our lives, our pathway is continually being crossed with other folks who will be asking us to say yes or to say no. The more truthful you can be with your yes and your no, the more authentic your journey will be and the more I can trust you.
I also recall that the elders in my world as a child got to say No, but I didn't. It was something that only adults had the rights to.
Giving our children the right to say No, is for them to hold on to their sense of self and self worth; putting a boundary that will define what their preferences are.
To me, a person without boundaries blends into the background...lost in the sea of many; undefined.
Blending harmoniously into whatever surrounds them, camouflaged to fit the surroundings, losing the characteristic of self...wanting to fit in and not stand out.
Boundaries will make you stand out...defining you.
Setting up boundaries, is to begin the process of becoming you.
