There is a great article in the O Magazine this month, by Martha Beck....here is a bit of it.
"Horse Sense"
"Avery looks utterly bewildered. Since her confusion is vital to the process, I just smile."
"I have brought Avery to my ranch today to help her understand why she feels anxious and uncertain in her life; why she rages at collegues, her children, her husband. Though I've been serving as Avery's life coach for several weeks, there are things she can learn here, with Koelle and Ernie, that all the talking in the world could never convey."
"But Koelle's request has thrown her. "Do whatever you want?" she repeats. It's clear she has no idea what that might be. Since infancy, Avery - like most of us- has done what she's supposed to do, not what she wants to do. She knows how she's "supposed" to act as a wife, mother, employee. But in equine life coaching, there is no "supposed to." There is you, an animal and the present moment. What you do with the situation is your choice, and for Avery, choice is an unfamiliar prospect."
"An equine coaching session consists of the following; You stand near a horse. You gesture to that horse. It gestures back. For a while, it all feels strange and random. But eventually, in a process beyond verbal description, you begin to feel a cell-deep, almost telepathic communication between you and the creature. Awakening your ability to connect with the horse allows you to understand yourself entirely in new ways. And in the weeks that follow, that understanding quietly transforms your life."
"But Avery isn't there yet. For now she just stares at Ernie paralyzed. He wanders around keeping his distance, smelling the dirt."
"Then without warning, Avery begins to cry, "I feel like I'm supposed to do something," she says, "but I don't know what it is."
"And where else in your life do you feel that way?" asks Koelle."
"Avery's voice cracks as she answers, "Everywhere."
"Yes," Koelle says, "The way we do anything is the way we do everything. How you react to the horse is how you react to the rest of your life. That's why we're here."
Skipping further into the article,
"Humans who can "speak" in the gestual language horses use to communicate with one another have demonstrated that these animals are amazingly cooperative. They've also found that horses always tell you exactly what they think - and here's where things get interesting, because what horses think of you happens to be what most people think of you, too. The difference; Horses won't lie about. Flattery, backstabbing, and hidden agendas are unknown to horses. They communicate what they feel, straight up, all the time. Which means that to gain their trust, humans must be genuine, clear and honest. Which is why horse whispering is such a powerful psychological intervention."
In the last part of the article....
"Ernie is now chewing vigorously on Avery's hair. She laughs nervously."
"Does that feel good to you?" asks Koelle."
"It is alright," says Avery, though her body has gone rigid."
"Really?" Koelle says. "It is all right to have horse teeth in your hair?"
"He means well."
"And he deserves to know what you really feel. Tell him what you want and need. We teach people how to treat us. Communicate."
"Avery pushes gingerly at Ernies muzzle. "No, no," she says weakly. But even to me, sitting several yards away, it's clear that her body language is saying, "Do whatever you want, just don't stop liking me." Ernie shoves her ear with his nose.
"Make your message stronger," says Koelle. "Stand up straight. Get big and loud. Use what you need when you need it. How would you set boundaries with your kids or your employees?"
"Clearly not knowing what else to do Avery draws on the desparate anger she uses when exhausted, backed to the wall. "NO!" she se shouts, pushing both hands into Ernie's face. He reacts as you might if your favorite Aunt Millicent pulled a gun on you. Leaping backward and spinning, he tears around the pen. Avery tries to slow him down by running at him, waving her hands. Ernie spins, spraying dirt, his hooves like thunder on the ground."
"Help!" Avery shouts."
Koelle has already stepped into the pen. She puts a hand on Avery's shoulder , breathing deeply and slowly. Immediately, Avery seems calmer. Koelle drops her eyes and gently raises her free hand, and Ernie slows to a trot, then to walk. Avery stares in disbelief."
"So," says Koelle, "When you set a boundary, is that pretty much how your kids and employees react, too?"
"Avery bursts out laughing, "Pretty much."
"We call that the exploding-doormat effect," I interject. You hold in your unhappiness until it's intolerable, then you blow up."
"That's what my mom always did." Avery says. "I didn't realize I was doing it too."
"You do what you were trained to do," says Koelle."
And further down in the article.....I love this part too.
"Why don't you suggest going for a walk together?" suggest Koelle.
"Avery takes a few steps, ad Ernie follows - until Avery tenses up and looks behind her. Then Ernie stops, snaps back his head."
"Were you afraid he wouldn't stay with you?" asks Koelle."
"Yes."
"Your fear scared him. And your need for him to follow feels icky-sticky, and clingy. If you're to lead, believe that he'll follow." Martha Beck
It is my humble belief, that in the churches such as the FALC, OALC, etc, we lose our horse sense, even worse than just the run of the mill family preferences. And, if you were abused, even more.
That we have to learn how to speak the unspoken language of self. The feelings and truth that have been buried underneath layers of religious and family beliefs.
Finding your horse sense will be to live freely as who you are.
