It is a simple question, delivered with grand intentions, that is felt deeply negative by me. "Will you ever forgive your mother?"
This was asked of me.
Held at my like a gun.
That it is MY fault she is unwelcome at my daughter's wedding, taking no glances at her ledger of un-mother-like behavior, but that I as a daughter am under scrutiny.
That my core level of kindness has to be bankrupt, that I am empty, hollow and cold.
My behavior and actions as a daughter are closely looked at, while my mother's behavior isn't spared a second glance or even a first. But rather her 'feelings' about being shunned come clearly into view, and the blame sits squarely upon me. Like I am magically inventing this unforgiving 'attitude'.
Where did I get this demeanor?
How is that I can be so cold?
What happened to me?
What this 'innocent' asking person pleads for, is for me to back down and make small or minimize actions that stripped my mother from being a mom.
What struck me today, was that the grief and trauma we experience, isn't about the pain, sex and indifference, but the disappearing loving being. We mourn the loss of kindness.
And now, they are ASKING me to be kind, and never once questioning my mother's behavior.
As I turned the corner at the bottom of my driveway this morning a seagull sat in the middle of the road. Just sat there. Weird I thought. What is up little fellow, I asked.
As I got closer, I could see he had one very damaged wing; he could not fly. He was stuck unable to save himself...and I was not daring enough to try.
I called our local "Wild Life Rescue" girl....and she called me later to tell me she did pick him up. He had a very bad wing. She wasn't sure she could save him, but she would at least allow him to die in peace and not be at the mercy of a predator.
I got the Seagull.
I also got how it was that my mother looked the other way, while I called for help.
I feel kind.
