I know that churches are built upon the premise of "Forgiveness" of restoring life back to where it was, 'before the sin', to keep things looking beautiful, normal and loving. And yet, I know that this tool is only beneficial to the perpetrator of sin and is very hurtful for the victim.
Even the sentiment and feelings that the victim should be reaching for the forgiveness application, is wrong.
Why is it my job to restore Her kindness? And furthermore, is it even possible?
Was I the one who changed her from being kind to not being kind?
I used to believe that my behavior (usually negative) was the fault of my kids. If only they acted better, did this or that, without my having to tell them etc, then I would not go off the deep end in rage....I too used to put my kindness or the lack thereof, in their hands.
When you ask a child to forgive their parents For Their Negative Behavior, you are blaming the child for that negative.
I can see it no other way.
I am the problem. I was the one who made her act poorly and I am the one who can give her back her good graces, IF ONLY I would 'forgive' her.
The Forgiveness that I was asked to use, was to let bygones be bygones...to settle my mother back into her mother role. Like I am the one who has the power for her to be motherly or not motherly, depending again upon MY behavior NOT hers.
There is a new definition of forgiveness that I cling to...and that is accepting that the past could be no different. Accepting that I did not have a loving mother. Accepting that she was unable to put up boundaries to keep hurtful people away from her and her children. Accepting her as she is and not believing that I have the power to make her kind or to make her act unkind.
I forgive her, by accepting that she fell far below the level of mother. I forgive her for NOT being a mom.
She had once wrote to me, that "I failed as a mother, but can we be friends?"
Like it would be easy to skip the mothering part and go right to friends. Really, as I am your daughter. I am not looking for a friend, I am looking for a mother.
A mother's job doesn't end. It doesn't go away when the children are over 18, it is a life long role in the lives of your children. You don't get to give up and still maintain a relationship....or at least a relationship of any value.
So again....how do you forgive a woman who failed as a mother, but wants to still hang around, if you are her daughter?
And, you know, it isn't that she failed as a mother that is so hurtful, but that she failed to see her child, you. Your needs, your pain, your suffering....she just flippantly, shrugs off her mother cape and wants to don the friendly cloak.
I simply can't do it.
I was like the seagull with the broken wing, looking for a mother...someone to care and see my wound...and protect me from predators.
And instead she catered to his (predator) needs...allowing him access to girls so he could break their wings. The broken wing girl's needs were not seen or met or considered.
And somehow there are folks who believe it is up to me, to change my mother back to kindness. Can I? Will forgiving her in the churches definition work? Will it make her see my broken wing? Really? Or are you asking me to NOT see my broken wing?
For no matter how many words of 'forgiveness' are uttered, my broken wing remains.
And, what is truly broken is what my parents did to my love, my trust, and my faith IN Them. I handed it over as a believe-a-head, an innocent, without much thought or restraint. I gave it to them and they broke it. They didn't respect it or honor it.
I see them as love breakers.
I see them as trust wreckers.
What I guess many can't know, until it happens to them, what it feels like to have these thing shattered. To give out love, to have it trashed.
Is it me?
Was I wrong to give it to them?
Or, is the fault completely theirs?
What I would caution everyone, is before you ask a child to forgive, you look at the adult, the perpetor. What do they do with love?
My love wasn't bad....it wasn't less worthy. I just had given it to the wrong folks...or perhaps they were only doing to my love, that which was done to their love.
Here is what I know....children's love is innocent. It has nothing to forgive.
