In an online group, we were having a conversation about journaling, and one women said, her journal is on her computer and password protected, and it struck me as it was her true self that she didn't want known. Or, at least that is what my journals are filled with, bits and pieces and scattered and jumbled up thoughts, about me, my feelings and need to express.
How it hit me, that when we feel this desperate need to hide our selves...it (the things we don't want known) then has power and becomes a shield or wall in front of us. The words we write but don't dare have anyone know.
I wonder too, how adults still live in this spot. Or perhaps how they live in front of this secret spot, not wanting or able to live from the spot itself.
I have a real hard time now, recollecting how I too used to live without ever touching, looking or even considering, my secret spot; my truth.
And, how I would often catch glimpses of wishes...of telling someone the truth, but instead politely smile and go along. Or grit my teeth, and try to stem the flow of rage. Or do it, get it over with, and then return to my peace...like doling out parcels of my life, and saving small bits for me.
I didn't even write a journal until I was 46 years old.
In "Simple Abundance" Sarah Ban Breathnach writes, "But in order to be true to a creative work, the artist must journey to the center of self. Past the conscious sentries in the brain, beyond the barbed wire barricades of the heart, into the trenches of "truth or dare." You can't write a true sentence or live authentically if you don't trust yourself. You can trust yourself without courage."
What I know now, 8 years later, is that I was unable, unwilling and not even aware or conscious, that the life I was living was out in front of my secret spot. And, once my secret spot was exposed, (I was sexual abused by my father) I had to write in order to find out who I was.
Journal writing was self exploration, it was excavating of my soul. And, I guess once it made the local news and papers, the need to hide was null and void.
But, what I know for certain, the need to hide and be secret, is the very thing that is stopping you from living a soul full life of freedom and living in love, peace and joy!
I am so grateful that I am able to live from my inner spot...and have not from the outer layer, in front of the barrier that is protecting my truths.
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader." Rober Frost.
