Ever since I heard my mother is coming, as well more siblings than I had originally thought; I have been in a state of Dread.
I had to look up Dread, to make sure I have the correct meaning.
"To anticipate with great apprehension or fear."
It seems these feelings have the ability to overcrowd the ones of Love and Joy I have for my daughter and her wedding day.
Where the past's characters are taking up way too much room...overshadowing any other emotions...unwanted guests in my mind.
What I can see from so many vantage points is the life of an abused child.
How, the light-hearted joyful emotions are an easily overrun by fear and dread...
I can see how normal life events are eclipsed easily and you are not left living in a space of Light...or even this moment of time.
And, this is just the anticipation of the collision. Not, even the actual event.
Again, in a child's life, waiting for the next encounter with their abuser(s)....how it consumes your world.
What I am watching is my mind playing with scenarios. Planning exits stragedies, etc..all unknown.
Yet known.
My body remembers how it feels in their space.
It isn't jumping for joy, but bogged down in dread.
I am being asked to walk among them again...and it feels like a walk back into the known dysfunction.
I understand enough, that when I am 'asked' or forced by the Universe, when there isn't a choice, it means something for my soul...another growth spurt.
In this fear and dread is a big peice of my Self.
By walking forward, I will meet her.
A long walk back into my estranged family's presence...to embrace another part of me.
What I know, is that I have to feel this.
I have to walk forward in order to gain another layer of strength...for IF I can do this, the world opens up a bit wider.
I will enter into the family spaces a different woman. I have words that I can articulate and the strength to say them.
My resolve to be present and graceful at my daughter's wedding is already being practiced...in how I continue forward with the party prep, knowing the pitfalls it now holds.
The day will be what I pay attention to.
Each come with an intention in mind..
I can't know their reasons or the choices that were made in their worlds...their being there is their business, not mine.
What I do know, is that the dread seems less today or perhaps my resistance. I also know, I have traversed many side-roads that were not easy; but were amazing in how I gained wisdom about me and even the other person and/or event.
What I know for sure, is without my estrangement or walking away from dysfunction, there would not be another side of this wedding; but one.
There would not be a collision, but a union.
No contrast.
No polar opposites to the dread.
No awareness to the evil that denial breeds.
No feelings inside of me.
No complete and utter freedom to know love, peace and joy.
Because I walked out, there are now two worlds. Two sides....I see the Light and have experienced the dark. I know the difference.
Me and a Copper Country Mental Health Board Member....at my "Meet the Artis."
