If there is to be a woman disappointed with the wedding, It is so much better that it be me...than the Bride.
As two woman enter into this day, I can see the dynamics of Mother and Daughter.
I see me and her and I see me and my mother.
I see the differences and the usual power game.
I see the actions and the non-actions.
I see me in a very tenuous spot....the choice between my needs and hers.
This is the very crux and center of how it is to leave behind my childhood and grow into a mom.
Where it isn't about what I want or need anymore, Or me finally getting my childhood needs met, but rather me NOT wounding my daughter.
I am in a unique position.
I can get bogged down....easily...in my feelings about what is not there between my mother and I. And, even in wanting My wishes to finally be realized. That she finally see me or hear me and acknowledge me. I can easily feel the sorrow and rage at once again being ignored....the dark empty hole that beckons.
It is like going towards the dark or following the Light.
I can be the mother I didn't have...instead of engaging with the hole.
I can mother my daughter in ways that will heal the hole.
It will not make it right between my mother and I, but it will keep it right between my daughter and I.
I can now see how or why a mother refuses to follow her daughter's dreams or wishes....It is when hers have not been met. She then is forever left seeking what she didn't have.
I have given up on finding what is not there to get. And, in fact I have given to myself what my mother was incapable in giving.
I gave myself the ears to hear me.
I gave myself the eyes to see me.
I have acknowledge me...not only my darkest wounds but my brightness too.
I let go of the dream being seen by my mother.
I have a new dream.
My bigger dream or perhaps new dream was to end the legacy of abuse.
In this dream, I be the mother I didn't have.
I do the opposite...
Yet, I do acknowledge and feel the one (mother) who put the hole in me...and I get to move away from her, while attending to my daughter's needs.
It is a new dance for me to have them both present in one space.
And there will be no competition in who I pay attention to.
It certainly will not be the one who put such a dark spot on my soul.
She will be there. I will feel her presence in a negative way.
But the choice will continue to be...what is good for my daughter.
It isn't about me...my mother daughter dream was shattered a long while back.
All the steps I have taken have been to re-set the pattern. To stop the cycle of self absorption...to give what I never got.
A mother's eyes to see you.
A mother's ears to hear you.
A mother...who will do anything for their child.
Even walk among the estranged....to feel again, in each encounter, what isn't there...while also feeling the love in those who see me.
I am so grateful I can see the road in both directions and what the consequences would be...depending upon who I try to please.
One would unravel the dream of ending the cycle of abuse...the other will plant more beautiful consequences of love.
I can see that If I were to please me I would put a hole in my daughters heart.
