I was hesitant to do yoga...for I thought I would be overwhelmed with sorrow or sadness, that my disappointment of my family would take over each pose. But, nothing happened, like that. I was strong and had balance and flexibility.
It came to me that the road of Estrangement is not ever going to be easy to navigate, but like a tough yoga pose, if you breathe and focus, you can get through it.
Estrangement from family who you left due to their behaviors...will not change their behaviors, because you left.
In fact, the very nature of my mother is and always has been to disregard what is good for her child...and her grandchildren. That IS why I am estranged from her.
There is also something about skipping me and her wanting to see her granddaughter, like a skip in a record....she wants to continue to sing her song...going to a believing ear and by passing one who is on to her.
How like abuse.
To find an easier target.
I know, my non-supporters, believe I am adding drama, for it simply is "just a grandma wanting to be at her granddaughter's wedding for pete's sake. Do you have to drag abuse into every occasion, can't you just let it go and forgive and Move ON!"
It is 'just a grandma' that I do have issues with...as we all well know.
She is anything but, "just a grandma".
Her getting to play the role of "just a grandma" tags her as innocent and those of my father's victims....as guilty.
Will a Guilty Grandma Arrive?
Hardly.
She will come in fully blessed and forgiven and right as rain....with all the grandma rights restored.
The simple wiping away of her contribution of so many girls being abuse over a period of 40 plus years...leaves the victims standing in a very awkward position...she is right as rain, but we are not.
The walk of estrangement from her seems odd if she is innocent. It only works if she is the one who actively created a home where little girls were directed to his lap...the lap of a pedophile.
Sometimes it does seem like I may be overreacting, that I may be a drama queen...until she reminds me once again why I walked away.
It also came to me, that the wedding guest list began a long time ago....when I gave my child the right to choose who she would have relationships with. Allowing her to be with folks I walked away from. Now, both worlds will collide....
I will have to suck up my awkwardness and dread for the sake of my child.
What also strikes me...is that the reason I walked away was for the good of my child and now the reason I walk back in is on her wedding day.
One thing I know for sure, is that the toughest parts on the path of estrangement are the places where you see your true strength and character....and you also get a crystal clear view of who they are.
