Ambiguity and Authenticity have to be polar opposites.
I was wrong...the opposites of ambiguity are; direct, decisiveness, straightforwardness, exactness, clearness, brightness, obviousness....etc....so its opposite is unclear, not direct, not exact...not obvious.
In my exchanges with a few siblings...what stands out the most is the indecisiveness....the waffling back and forth.
I am accused of being wrong when I label them as abused.
I am then accused of grand standing AS the ONLY one being abused, and told they too were abused.
I was accused of being part and party to the abuse years ago, and now I am seen as a family wrecker today. When the actions of before and after are completely different. You can't have it both ways I keep saying.....
But, they can.
There is nowhere for me to gain ground with them.
I would be damned no matter what....well I am damned no matter what.
This is how I know clearly it isn't about me. For I have been two ways and it hasn't changed their worlds. If it was about me, then at one point things would be going smoothly....either in the years where my father was abusing or in the years I stepped away from him. Something should have changed in their worlds IF I am the one controlling them.
Easy to blame the sister/daughter who is nowhere near their lives; than it is to look in the mirror.
What I know for sure...for me, is that I need something that is not flipping and changing and two sided. I need steady and clear decisions. I need folks to be who they are always. Not the 'kind' public persona and then lambasting me behind the scenes. I don't know who you are. I don't trust you kindness, when the ugly erupts.
I know how this is.
That was me for 46 years.
I would be kind and then spew hatred and anger and rage....and then back to kindness. What I have discovered of me, was that my anger and rage was for the duplicity of my parents. My fears of not knowing who would appear....
What I know for me, is that I don't trust folks who are unable to own who they are.
I can handle dysfunction if they are working towards eradicating it in their lives...victims of abuse who are learning how they became so backwards and are working like hell to undo the damage. But, I dont' know what to do with those who scream they are kind, normal and blessed....coming from abuse.
I looked up again....authenticity.
Authenticity is defined as "real or genuine : not copied or false. : true and accurate. : made to be or look just like an original. - Conforming to fact and therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief. Trustworthy or genuine.
I would rather be with authentically dysfunctional folks who know they are not right....than to be with those who have no idea who they are and how they contaminate this world.
I just can't believe that my authenticity with my dysfunction is harmful....but, I can believe that their denial about the depths of their dysfunction is harmful in ways they would be shocked to see IF they were aware.
Our paths are different....and worlds apart....as far as ambiguity is from authenticity.
