For the past few days I have sat in Reflection...allowing myself to process and feel the events...the encounters or the lack thereof...to see what is what or what is not.
What I failed to consider, oddly, is how others see me and/or speak of me...and in my mother's case, tell lies about me.
It boggles my mind, that while I have been pointing out the things my parents did or the things my siblings did...I couldn't understand why they were so unaware of the changes in themselves. When in fact, they have not changed at all. I have.
I am the only one who has changed and they are upset by this.
My father remained unchange to the end.
My mother too is staying completely in character of herself. Nothing has changed. She never took my side as a child. She still lies about my actions now. She is not a newer version of herself...she is the same lady that was with me as a child.
I have been trying to show others in my writings an abusive mother...like it is something new. I can't. She is as she has always been this way.
I had wondered why so many are upset with Me and not her. How they couldn't see the abusive parts. When I was asking them to see what they have always seen and called normal.
My mother has not changed a bit...so they love/like and are still loyal to the one mother.
They are upset with me, because I am no longer my self.
I am different.
I respond different.
I seen the picture of them all on a porch surrounding my mother...and it puzzled me. I couldn't understand how they could support this woman who is abusive. But, they are unable to see the abuse for they were raised in. Like white on rice. I was asking them to see something that has always been there.
How can you.
The reason they see me and are enraged and angered by me, Is that I am not like the old self. I am completely different.
I just didn't get that the only thing changed in our dysfunctional family was me.
Everyone and every thing else continued on as if nothing happened. And, they are keeping a spot open in case I change my mind. I am the one who has fallen out of step, gotten out of line, the rest are all the same and okay.
How did I miss this???
How did I not know that the reason I am on their shit list is not because I see my mother as abusive or that my father is a pedophile. It is because I no longer move like one of them.
It has never been about my parents.
It has only been about me.
Their sights are on me because I am acting different. NOT because WHY I am acting different. Or for the simple fact that my parents were not who they said they were.
They are okay with two-sidedness. They are not okay with me doing things differently. Even if different is right.
Doing what is right is wrong IF it isn't what my mother would do.
Their choices are not about doing what is right.
The only choices are what will keep my mother looking normal.
And, they are willing and very able to toss anyone aside who doesn't play along.
The only way my mother is normal is when a porch full of people believe her to be...or do not challenge her actions and words.
And, the only way I am wrong, is that same porch full believing that I am.
What I also just didn't know, is the messed up mother in the center of the porch, IS the very one who speaks wrongly of me.
This is what families of dysfunction do. They put the blame of abuse upon the one who is innocent and never look at the parent and see their wrongness.
What I know for sure, is that my mother alone couldn't tear me down, it took all the folks standing around her to agree.
They all agree that I am wrong...no matter what she does, I am wrong for how I respond.
Especially if it means shaking the foundation of the family...the family only stands if everyone remains the same.
