What I got left with, after all the mind twisting and thought turning, was how does a 'kind' person show their boundaries? If you can't step back or move away from things that insult your soul, then how can we, watching you, know how you truly feel or who you are?
What can we trust about you when there isn't a clear you...an outline of boundaries that clearly define who you are?
I was struck by the blurry vision or mixed messages that assaulted me...in the ambiguity of who my siblings really were.
And, it then led me to wonder how this amibiguity was the image we were given of our parents; hence ourselves.
That my father, due to his acting out in abusive ways, was not just one solid self, but a double vision.
My mother also had two sides...one being a 'good' christian woman, but one who allowed an abusive man to live in her home.
This ambiguity gave us the license to be two faced.
That being two-sided was normal.
And...kind.
And...Non-judgmental.
Even, loving.
When I no longer have two sides, but one crystal clear out-line of me, I am not 'easy' to be with. For, I won't flip to the 'easy' side, that allows anything.
What I feel is that they want me to capitulate and roll over and be friendly...while inside I am not feeling that.
This technique, of doing that which you don't feel, feels very abusive to me...or it has echoes of it.
That you are doing that which you don't feel like doing, but you do it to make someone else 'feel good'.
As I view my siblings and my mother, I can't see a clear picture of who they are, I see no out-lined set point of what they stand for and what they stand against. They have no clearly set apart self, but move as a group.
Either a group called family.
Or a group called church.
But, not as a one...character.
I don't truly know who they are and what they stand for.
What I feel is that they will fall for anything.
In my new awareness or understanding...kindness has critical lines and boundaries.
Kindness is solid.
Value has one side.
Respect, love, honor do not twist in the wind and become something else; when it is too hard or uncomfortable.
I see the affects of living in a home with two-sided parents; whose real truth was covered up, to be that we learned to live without a clear sense of who we were....for we were asked to be something we were not.
In abuse you are asked/demanded or bullied into something you don't want to do.
I feel that my family now is subjecting me to the same tone of abuse.
In that, they are wanting from me something I am not freely giving; due to their nature of being two-sided.
Abuse in families adds the second side.
It goes from normal...to abnormal and the combination is ambiguity.
And Ambiguity's definition....
Something that does not have a single clear meaning...
Doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speak with ambiguity; anambiguity of manner. 2. an unclear, indefinite...
Something with ambiguity is unclear.
What I feel is that my family is asking me to support and stand with ambiguity...to remain loyal and committed to ambiguity.
For there is no clear message of love, with abuse tossed in on top.
I do understand and appreciate where they are coming from....that living in the two faced world gives you a pattern and role model to follow. Where what you feel and how you act do not have to match...and who you are and how you act can be complete opposites. They find comfort and normality in ambiguity.
I was so drawn to nature, for there was no ambiguity! It was as it appeared; always.
