There are times when it is hard to see the big picture, while living in each tiny frame, when there is no space to see how it is actually going; are you living the life you want?
Just as a sweater is knitted, one stitch at a time, it is each stitch being knitted correctly that makes the final product.
Looking backwards with review, I can see the new pattern...and how completely different it appears to the old. They are two completely different stitches being created...moment by moment.
As I recounted The Wedding and the guests from my past, I was able to see clearly how I accomplished my mission. I may have failed the old pattern, but I was successful in stitching the new.
Here is what I know for sure; my daughter's special day was first on the agenda.
It was a wedding...and I was the mother of the bride.
It was my duty to keep the wedding first, always.
And, in doing so kept my daughter first.
What was good for her....and not what my own preferences were or what would be easier for me, or what would make me look kinder, nicer, more this or that. It wasn't about me...Me, had to ride shotgun.
This may not seem a great feat for many, but if you are changing your family pattern, it is one that I believe takes an enormous amount of self control.
I have been labeled as self absorbed, controlling, insane, cold, inhumane even, as I was viewed on that day.
And, yet I feel that I did the opposite of those labels, in my daughter's eyes and in the eyes or view point of a mother.
And, that is where the real truth lies...or really matter.
Her wedding day wasn't one where my wishes and desires were to be fulfilled...and I am grateful and proud, I was able to give her what she wanted, EVEN when and IF it was not what was comfortable for me.
This feat, is what my mother was unable to do.
To put her child's needs ahead of hers....ever.
She did not succeed in dropping her needs ahead of mine...when I was a child for sure and even when I was a grown women.
The grumblings, rumblings and hateful anger that is directed at me....doesn't come from my child, but from those who wanted me to continue to knit together the old pattern of dysfunction, where I would drop the carefully created new mother garment I have been stitching for the past 9 years, and just unravel it all and be 'kind'...to them.
Them...
It then becomes about them.
Or, a self....their needs.
The difference is that I was able to shelf my needs.
And see the beautiful wedding...to see my daughter getting her needs met.
This is huge.
What many (of the haters) fail to appreciate, is that I could have made a huge stink, and drama, by refusing to participate due to their involvement. I could have made it all about me. I did not. I could have not gone...to 'make my point'....etc.
Instead, I gracefully as I could muster, gave my daughter free reign. AND, in doing so, became the mother my mother could never be.
While they see me in a variety of negative ways...I see me as being a huge success in that the 'relatives' were disappointed, but the child was seen, heard and honored.
This is leap of great proportions...that changes me from self absorbed to being a mother who sees her child.
Sees her child and gives her what she needs...at the cost of my own discomfort.
And, you know.
I have been doing what is good for my child, my children, for 9 years.
I have given up my own personal comfort.
For it has been greatly uncomfortable to sit with and be with each and every relationship in a large family and find it lacking or hurtful or indifferent and to stay with the truth of what it is...and not pretend.
To be seen and labeled negatively by the sheer volume of numbers of them is felt at a cellular level. The barbs strike their targets. And, the only way for me to be 'comfortable' with them again, is to give up the new pattern of being a mom who sees her child.
I will not.
In the juxtaposition between Wedding and Estranged guests....were the feelings of success and being able to give to my daughter, that which was never given me....along with sticking to my truths with each of them.
To stand estranged.
To keep my eye on the ball (my daughter) and not drag into her day the needs of me.
My needs on that day were to be estranged.
To leave...and have space.
It was to fight the magnetic pull of fleeing.
To stay and be there for her day.
In as much as I had stayed away; I was now being asked to stay.
I feel that it took great strength to remain in my new pattern surrounded by so many old relationships...AND to keep the wedding in focus.
I feel that I was able to bring in her day and all its trimmings, even if I was uncomfortable.
Again, the two mixing emotions inside...with two very different events going on simultaneously...and not being dragged into the negative landscape in order to 'rescue them' from feeling estranged.
We are estranged.
And, I don't think they can see/feel/or get what it feels like to keep this up with a group of them. To keep knitting the pattern, with them trying to unravel it. To keep to the truth, no matter what.
I am not sure they get what estrangement means or even what it means to walk away from abuse....it is to respect your feelings more than wanting to be perceived as kind.
And, I don't know if they can appreciate what it takes to see your child first.
I didn't, until I was able to do it....when your comfort is at stake.
