A short article was written about my quilts in a newsletter for Northern Lights Clubhouse. Some of their members came to my "Meet the Artist" event at Copper Country Mental Health in September.
The article read,
"On September 18th Clubhouse went to Copper Country Mental Health to see the quilt presentation by Beth Jukuri, called "My Lady and I...my journey in fabric." In all there were 22 quilts. Ms. Jukuri said each quilt represented a step in her journey of her recovery. Beth was a member of a very strict religion and was sexually abused as a child. Beth's quilts show her journey from being lost to finding herself again. As the lady in the quilts grows in stature, color and movement, so does Beth's sense of self. Beth's quilts were brought to CCMH by the efforts of the agency's Trama Informed Recovery Team. These colorful works of art sure brighten up the walls at the Clinic. Everyone who visits, enjoys seeing them. Her story gives people who are recovering hope."
And, here is what a few members had to say.
"Some of the quilts were whimsical, colorful and a lot of different patterns of fabric. I liked how Beth described her feelings about each quilt."
"The quilts were beautiful and I liked the way she described each quilt. I wanted to talk to Beth, but she was very busy with people that came in before us."
"All of the quilts were beautiful and I am glad I was able to see the display."
"We would both like to see more presentations from other people about their recovery. It was so nice that Beth shared her quilts and her experiences with everyone." Northern Lights, newsletter.
What struck me are few things; that it was actually me, my quilts and my journey, and that we are so at home in these helping agencies, that these are my people...this is where I come from.
I think we all would like to think, we have perfect mental health, have always had perfect mental health, and that no matter what happens, IT DOESN'T AFFECT, our perfect mental health.
Each incident and experience will give our mental health something. It will cause our psyche's to be engaged...how is the question and for how long and is there a way we can interject before it becomes a part of us; like a phantom self?
It was this phantom self that lived my life for 46 years...eclipsing my soul and self that I was born to be.
When I see the quilts, and me, and a journey of recovery, I am astounded and caught off guard almost. That this isn't just Art, it isn't me laboriously droning on and on about a past that can't be changed, but rather it is literally a visual gauge of my mental mind...in how it saw me.
It is more about righting my mental health...or taking my life back from my phantom self.
To see and hear others recognize my recovery means something.
Perhaps validating how lost I was.
That maybe is more crucial compared to where I am today.
The distance from lost to found is a journey of a million sorrows and magnificent finds!
Swinging from the tragic truths and into the brilliant self realizations.
Not only was the phantom self destroyed but so too was the phantom family and love and caring parents; a phantom life.
Recovery to me is to recover the truth.
I had to look up the word recover, again.
"Return to normal state of health, mind or strength."
"Find or regain possession of something stolen or lost."
Both definitions fit.
Recovery is to find the self that was stolen or lost and the state of mind.
You may think that the first step to recovery is to find love, peace and joy; but instead it seems you find all that isn't. All the aspects of your life where a phantom is taking the place of real.
Where you are unable to be real.
To be yourself.
To say what you feel.
To just be.
What I think drives us into a mental distress or fractured mind, is when the family refuses to be with the truth, where they want to not see it...where it is set aside and life then is overcompensated to hide it. Where you are not able to be your real abused self...but instead have to be a 'good' girl and not tell, not show how it affected you, not rip the family apart, but hold it together, no matter what.
It is my humble belief that much of the mental diseases comes from being estranged from the truth.
That we are sacrificing the minds and spirits in order to often keep the 'perfect' family, 'perfect' loving parents.
If only I could impress upon you, how damaging it is to the mental health not being able to live in the truth of what is; the cost to "forgive the faults and failures" and just act normal now.
What my mother fails to appreciate is the cost of living with her mental illness.
How it wasn't that she embrace her own sexual abuse and her abusive husband, but rather embraced everything but.
She wanted us to live in her phantom world, and we did and do.
But, the truth is the only thing, in my experience that recovers health to the mind.