IMPERFECT Lady

Health to the Mind.

A short article was written about my quilts in a newsletter for Northern Lights Clubhouse.  Some of their members came to my "Meet the Artist" event at Copper Country Mental Health in September.  

The article read, 

"On September 18th Clubhouse went to Copper Country Mental Health to see the quilt presentation by Beth Jukuri, called "My Lady and I...my journey in fabric." In all there were 22 quilts. Ms. Jukuri said each quilt represented a step in her journey of her recovery. Beth was a member of a very strict religion and was sexually abused as a child.  Beth's quilts show her journey from being lost to finding herself again. As the lady in the quilts grows in stature, color and movement, so does Beth's sense of self. Beth's quilts were brought to CCMH by the efforts of the agency's Trama Informed Recovery Team. These colorful works of art sure brighten up the walls at the Clinic. Everyone who visits, enjoys seeing them.  Her story gives people who are recovering hope."

And, here is what a few members had to say.

"Some of the quilts were whimsical, colorful and a lot of different patterns of fabric.  I liked how Beth described her feelings about each quilt."

"The quilts were beautiful and I liked the way she described each quilt. I wanted to talk to Beth, but she was very busy with people that came in before us."

"All of the quilts were beautiful and I am glad I was able to see the display."

"We would both like to see more presentations from other people about their recovery. It was so nice that Beth shared her quilts and her experiences with everyone."  Northern Lights, newsletter.

What struck me are few things; that it was actually me, my quilts and my journey, and that we are so at home in these helping agencies, that these are my people...this is where I come from.

I think we all would like to think, we have perfect mental health, have always had perfect mental health, and that no matter what happens, IT DOESN'T AFFECT, our perfect mental health.

Each incident and experience will give our mental health something.  It will cause our psyche's to be engaged...how is the question and for how long and is there a way we can interject before it becomes a part of us; like a phantom self?

It was this phantom self that lived my life for 46 years...eclipsing my soul and self that I was born to be.

When I see the quilts, and me, and a journey of recovery, I am astounded and caught off guard almost.  That this isn't just Art, it isn't me laboriously droning on and on about a past that can't be changed, but rather it is literally a visual gauge of my mental mind...in how it saw me.

It is more about righting my mental health...or taking my life back from my phantom self.

To see and hear others recognize my recovery means something.

Perhaps validating how lost I was.

That maybe is more crucial compared to where I am today.

The distance from lost to found is a journey of a million sorrows and magnificent finds!

Swinging from the tragic truths and into the brilliant self realizations.

Not only was the phantom self destroyed but so too was the phantom family and love and caring parents; a phantom life.

Recovery to me is to recover the truth.

I had to look up the word recover, again.

"Return to normal state of health, mind or strength." 

"Find or regain possession of something stolen or lost."

Both definitions fit.

Recovery is to find the self that was stolen or lost and the state of mind.

You may think that the first step to recovery is to find love, peace and joy; but instead it seems you find all that isn't.  All the aspects of your life where a phantom is taking the place of real.

Where you are unable to be real.

To be yourself.

To say what you feel.

To just be.

What I think drives us into a mental distress or fractured mind, is when the family refuses to be with the truth, where they want to not see it...where it is set aside and life then is overcompensated to hide it.  Where you are not able to be your real abused self...but instead have to be a 'good' girl and not tell, not show how it affected you, not rip the family apart, but hold it together, no matter what.

It is my humble belief that much of the mental diseases comes from being estranged from the truth.

That we are sacrificing the minds and spirits in order to often keep the 'perfect' family, 'perfect' loving parents.  

If only I could impress upon you, how damaging it is to the mental health not being able to live in the truth of what is; the cost to "forgive the faults and failures" and just act normal now.

What my mother fails to appreciate is the cost of living with her mental illness.

How it wasn't that she embrace her own sexual abuse and her abusive husband, but rather embraced everything but.  

She wanted us to live in her phantom world, and we did and do.  

But, the truth is the only thing, in my experience that recovers health to the mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Standing By

I loved this video by Mike Dilbeck "Empowering Bystanders"

 

It is my belief, that we can all become more aware of the times and places we Stand By. 

Stand by and feel like he said, the urge to do something, but then change our minds.  Feel the urge to speak up, but then go silent.  To speak out about our feelings and what is true for us.

I also love how he says, the more we stand by, the smaller we get.

What I have found is that I have grown bigger by being a non-bystander.

And, what I didn't know, and it seems more insane, is that the more people that are standing by, the less likely it is for someone to stand up....to get involved. Isn't that just odd...and yet not.  

Who wants to stand out like the odd duck?

Who wants to risk appearing foolish or different?

And really who wants to take the chance and do so publicly?

What I didn't know is that Bystander is common in all humans and it isn't just in the strict religions that I have seen it in.  I was seeing it as part of the cult like culture, when it is more a human phenomena. 

It is and isn't about standing out in a group of everyone being the same, as in religions where their are sins to make us all do and act the same.

I also believe that it my calling if you will, to inspire bystanders to become empowered, to STOP just standing by.

I also love, how he says, that most of the behaviors he speaks about, Bullying, sexual assualt etc, do not happen in a vacuum.  I know this to be true.  It is seen and the bystanders do nothing.  It is much more a lack of movement on the bystanders part than it is on the part of the perpetrators...that create the landscape for abuse to run unstopped.  

Who is going to stop them???

This video clarifies the much broader and more personal issue in the plight of children being sexually abused; the bystander mentality or hurdle within each of us.

He says, that first of all you have to recognize there is a problem, and then be willing to act...to transcend the barrier of standing by. To take effective, appropriate and safe actions.

This, is what I am calling you all to do.

To become empowered and willing to end your era of standing by.

I now know that there is a human phenomena going on, that we are aware of the problems, have heard the rumors, have felt the ucky creepy feelings or fear of someone, BUT we are frozen in the STANDBY position.

What will it take to change your position to Non-Standby?

What will make you move?

What will it take to make you break the silence?

Somehow, I feel more optimistic, knowing it is a human behavior and not just the climate of the church, for I believe we are on the cusp of human revolution towards a more conscious human being.

And, if that is so, the new human being of higher consciousness, will be able to transcend the barriers of fear...into the new level of response ability.

We will be able to respond to abuse...instead of standing by.

 

Fail to see...

While going through my file of correspondence I received from family in the aftermath of my father's arrest, I found the birth and death certificates of my father's parents....and a note, dated 10/18/09

My mother's last line...."You are my beloved daughter I continue to pray you will come to accept me with all my faults and failures....always and forever, Mom."

What she fails to appreciate, she is making this my job, my responsibility to lower my boundaries to accept her 'faults and failures'...of which was to love and protect a pedophile.  She has never, not once asked how her faults and failures affected my life, how I feel or the cost to myself and my children.

Yet, she wants me to accept her as she is....and always has been, and move back into the relationship.  

For what?

Her peace?

In a note that was with my father's history, she writes...

"These are yours to keep or throw away.  My memories are only mine.  No one can take these from me.  My you find acceptance and peace with the pas. What is - is, no amount of screaming shouting crying can change it. I love you, always have and always will..."

She threw them to me.  Tossed them out of her 'collection' of papers and said, "you were always the one interested in relatives..."

She tossed out the paperwork, but is holding on to the memories, like treasured jewels.

These same treasured memories for her are of the man who abused her daughters, granddaughters and neighborhood girls....and the "no one can take these from me" sentiment is what keeps us apart.

I suppose I could talk about abuse, IF I don't use his name or reference him....for she will not have her memories tarnished, nor will she toss them aside.

It is incredible that she will hold on, even with the evidence that spilled all over the top of it.  

Ironic that she sends me his stuff...repulsed is how I first felt, but have always kept all the correspondence as "evidence" of her insanity...or blindness or denial...and how she responded. 

I guess it was proof I felt I needed...to show that I wasn't just making stuff up.... as one said, "make it more interesting for my backers" or something like that.

Who would send papers, birth, marriage and death certificates...photos of grandparents from the man who abused you.  What is/was she thinking.

I have yet to recieve a note, from a mother.  I have seen plenty of proof of her undying love for him....and her words are absent any actions of love towards me.

The difference between us, Is that I am not asking her to accept my faults and failures, I am working like hell to correct and change....

This is the crux of it all. That the victims are to accept the faults and failures and continue on in the relationship; making adjustments for their shortcomings, accepting that they 'can't do no better'....and will not even try or feel they must.

And, my refusal to accept makes me a bad person.

It is my bad.

Not her bad.

Oh the dance of insanity in the beliefs of those who fail to see...

 

This is how I perceive my mother.....a forrest with a sign "Keep Out" all of your truths.

What are we saying...

In Sarah Ban Breathnach's book "Simple Abundance" she talked about the annual Christmas Letter...letters some of us write and most of us recieve.  How it does seem like we get the edited version of their lives, like they airbrushed out the difficulties of the year.  

I wonder what an unedited version would read like?  How much more 'normal' we would all feel if the realities of life were laced with the joys?  It seems that we want this perfect picture to go along with the perfect letter...to send to our family and friends; so not to show our imperfections.

She talks about writing letters of our own, about our self discoveries or lessons learned.  I would love to recieve letters that depicted a real life journey of one year...instead of only the high points.  It seems to me, we get to know more about folks as they share their struggles and how they climbed out of the lows...than we do about their shining moments.

As I look back on my year, I wonder what my greatest lessons were, how they were delivered and what I learned?

It is funny, in a peculiar way, how we celebrate the birth of Jesus, by sending out an edited version of our lives.  And, some have gotten away from a message at all, but send intsead a picture...

An older woman handed me a stack of Christmas Cards....and she said, "I write personal letters in each one.  It is like having a conversation..."  

If our Christmas Cards are a conversation with our family and friends, what are we saying?

 

Want and Love

I heard something yesterday I had never considered, but it makes sense... While listening to Mark Nepo's book 'Seven Thousand Ways To Listen'. He spoke about how there are no weak folks and strong folks, that we are all strong but strong for different ways of living. He spoke about the addict and how he works very hard being faithful to his addiction. How he lives for it. While another person uses the same will power towards their love of self. I now see it that we all have the same amount of strength, but use it differently. I love that we are all equal, just pouring our energy into different containers. Looking at addicts that I have known, it was their life's work to keep themselves supplied. Great efforts expended to serve themselves. This takes away the feelings that some of us are more blessed. We all our strong for what we want and love.

What you settle for.

There seems to be a quest to 'stand against' abuse that is out there, in someone else's life. It isn't something you do in another person's life, but in your own. People ask what can their community do or what the church can do, when most abuse happens within families and with people YOU know. Standing against abuse means standing up to folks you know who are behaving in ways that are harmful. It is about no longer tolerating abusive behavior and or those who do. You don't have to go out into the community, you have work to do in each of your relationships. How honest are you? What do you feel? How much do you pretend things are okay to get along. Ending tolerance for abuse, begins with you. Between you and you. How much integrity do bring to each relationship? How often are you silent out of fear? Fear is a sign, what is it saying? Resentment is another sign, asking for you to see the imbalance or pain and it's waiting for a new response from you, while you are waiting for that person to change. For them to see you. You need to see you and how you are falsely participating. Abuse flourishes because we allow it...because we don't change. Many wait for the abusive person to change, when all it takes is for us to stop being with folks who are abusive. We either allow abuse or we don't, there is no middle space that requires nothing of us. You are participating by your lack of disengaging. You are either engaged with the abuser and disengaged with your honesty or visa versa. The phrase 'gained the world but lost my savior' comes to mind. You can't dance with abuse and your soul at the same time. Your actions and movements are supporting only one agenda and it is up to you who you are with. I marvel at not the strength of those doing the abuse, but of those who continue to be with them. Their lack of requirements... You get what you settle for.

Their mind tells them so.

Sitting here 9 years into the future of the day that changed my life forever, I am grateful for seeing eyes. What I know now, what I didn't know then is that not all have minds that change. Many have minds that hold onto a belief even when reality is in complete opposition. A strong mind is seen as a huge asset, when it is actually the key to keeping you in false beliefs and denial. To live a life free of a mind that creates its own reality is breathtaking...both in the tragedy it fully embraces and the love, peace and joy. Being able to fully embrace all of life in its perfection, isn't to just try and find good in all things, but to see all. The good, the bad and the ugly. How tragic it is to live behind a mind that continually changes what is in reality. Theind that doesn't see reality, is a mind that grew out of abuse. When you are capable of seeing all you are able to question the mind and your life and the choices are plenty. If you haven't changed in the face of tragedy I feel you missed the portal out of the mind. At first I felt offended when family thought I had lost my mind. But soon I realized it was a good thing. I was no longer a prisoner of my mind. I was free to challenge it and my life and a million beliefs that had taken my life from me. My mind was flipped in the aftermath of abuse. When no on saw what I had seen in reality, when perhaps my telling fell on deaf ears. My mind helped me survive by deleting and changing reality. That flipped mind matched my mother's. Now we no longer see out of the same mind. Mine now walks after reality and no longer flips things around for my comfort. And my changes are hard to be around if you are still in the clutches of a mind that is protecting you from the truth. The greatest threat to an abused mind is the truth and it's job is to take the good and make it bad and the bad and make it good. That is the only way they can accept and be with a pedophile and his accomplice and stay far far away from me. Their mind tells them so.

What I had thought was there...

Today is December 4th, the anniversary of discovering abuse in my life...the 9th anniversary to be exact. Wow. Back then it was hard to imagine living with the reality of knowing your father was a pedophile and all that entailed, let alone envisioning life 9 years out. In 2004, it seemed to be the end of my world and it instead was the first step towards uncovering who I was; a journey of finding the real me. I haven't fully discovered me, but I am much clearer now and more honest with myself about myself than I ever was in 2004. What I didn't know back then was not only who I was or how I felt about me. I knew what others needed and wanted much more than my own needs. I had never taken care of me. For nine years now I have been living life bases on my truth, my feelings, my clarity or awareness and to walk my truth even if it doesn't appear kind...it is kind to me. I can no longer say I haven't seen my mother in 9 years for she arrived at daughters wedding. .. I can still say we have not spoken. She tried...but my daughters wedding was not created for a estrangement intervention. She was up here for at least a month longer and never called. I have nothing to say to her. No words will penetrate the illusion she lives in, where I am the one at fault, to blame and one she has dirtied with her lies...lies not only she believes , but many siblings as well. After 9 years there is no change in the way they see me. And there is nothing I can do to change their minds. It is easier to change me into an asshole, than it is to give up on family. Family that is steeped in dysfunction. Much easier to make me wrong than to really see and feel your own life. All I can say after 9 years is that I never expected to be the one outside, I truly believed that the one who did the wrongs would be. How silly of me or naive to think they would set aside family roles for abuse. Instead it seemed they made them stronger as to not focus on the after affects of abuse...that by being a 'good' sister you can leap over the damage abuse caused in you brain and psyche. What has surprised me the most is how unchanged most are. How little it appears to have affected so many, while it totally flipped my world! And how hard and diligent they are to hold family together no matter what. What ripped me apart, they have been sewing back together, okay to leave me out. In fact they will tell you how wrong I am for family. My biggest sin in their eyes is that I put me first...and will not put aside my past and move on, unchanged. What they fail to appreciate is that I did not change me, my father did. It has taken me 9 years and counting to find the me I would have been...before my father changed me. He is the one I thought would be set out side of family for raping me. And my mother who turned away from me, her too I thought would have to go. But no. I was me. I would have lost the bet in how this has turned out. After nine years I am no longer holding out hope for things to be different. I have accepted that my past can be no different, that my family will act any different... And I am beyond incredulous to see that I have survived being estranged from them all, in fact thrived. That I have been able to find a life worth living and that I love me and my life. I only miss what I had thought was there...

Our internet is down, it feels like I lost my voice and connection with the outside...or to be reduced to a whisper; my iPhone. In a way it has been nice to be secluded, but it also shows the isolation or smallness we were raised in, where your daily contact was with folks you could see or hear. I am on a selective island, with slight glimpses outside of my home. I can fully appreciate how broader my world is with the internet. I can imagine how small my world shrinks without it... It feels like you are disconnected. The circle of sharing grows very small and even the stream of incoming wisdom is reduced. What a huge leap of expansion we all have come to rely upon. Without it I feel disconnected to the whole. While it has freed me to do other things, I truly feel connection handicapped. Everything is slower, as I type this with one finger... My voice would grow silent to the world beyond my physical presence, and for some a welcomed relief! Perhaps it has shown me the value of connection!