The only way abuse wins, is if we accept the disgrace.
The stigma of being sexually abused comes from the way others look at you....and can only be overcome when you look at yourself differently. Changing their minds will not help with how you feel. And is an impossible task.
It is, as the wise men say, an inside job. Love, peace and joy come from within. It isn't about how others see you, but how you see you.
I don't see myself as a disgrace.
I do see though, how the stigma of abuse is created and upheld, and it isn't by strangers or folks who don't know. Just as abuse is most often with family members or people we know, so is our stigma.
One man's disgrace is another's man's hero.
Interestingly, I have felt both.
Accolades for speaking out and sharing my journey...and disgrace.
You would think, that my family, would be the one handing out the accolades...that my biggest cheerleaders would be from those who knew me best. Instead, it is the opposite.
The environment within dysfuctional families leave little room for healing...okay, no room.
I knew there wasn't a spot I could stand upon where they would see my innocence...the lens upon me always had me being the problem.
The only way back in, is to give up my innocence and give it to my parents.
The cost in doing so would be my sanity.
I see this phenomena of holding the parents in the highest regards as the biggest obstacle in eliminating or reducing the stigma of abuse.
When will we begin to see the numbers of abusers, that they equal or surpass the number of the abused, for each of us or most have two parents in the mix. The stigma will be carried by the children until we turn our gaze upward towards those who started this...and those who knew and did nothing. Reported nothing...
In my family home, a father abused. A mother knew and was unable to respond in a healthy way. Uncles were abusive. Neighbors were abusive. And, the children were taught, "not to go to that house" and yet the abuse flourished.
Never were the adults in these homes held accountable.
Never did they wear the cloak of disgrace for allowing or being abusive.
They continue to wear "Good Christian" or at least Christian....labels.
Parents are taken care of, included, believed, loved...understood, defended...no matter what. And, who is looking at the abused child? Who is caring for their wounds? Who is turning away from the parents...the adults who are acting disgraceful?
We all participate in helping the stigma, each time we defend or stand with excuses ready for the abusers. Each time you turn your gaze away from the child you are part of the problem. You are sentencing a child into disgrace.
We are the problem.
Stigma is created by those looking on. Not by those who have been abused.
We don't manufacture disgrace...we are subjected to it.
It is as Alice Miller writes about...the biggest problem when we are taught that good children "Love and Honor thy parents..." Without first seeing if they are deserving.
This blanket of love and honor they sleep under no matter what, is the wall that keep innocent children out.
Where is the innocent blanket for the child? When do they get that....? Oh, I know, when you become a parent, all your sins and abusive behavior will be hidden behind this veil.
The church, society and we all....believe in the sanctity of parents...while discarding the lives of children.
