In a comment on the Extoots blog post about Labels and the ensuing discussion about being judged by them, a comment struck me. "If it isn't being said, then it doesn't exist."
This technique is literally the blueprint of denial; and the co-operation it takes to keep it in motion.
Denial isn't played alone, you need two people to not say what is happening. Two people to not address and delve deeply into what is not being said, but what you both know is present...
Two, who know something isn't right, but neither wants to know know know it exists.
And unspoken agreement to not know.
In our family arrangement of denial, you can't have one spouting off what isn't talked about and continue in the usual relationships.
The ones who don't want to say it exists and then have to consider the consequences that it would require; back up and talk less and less to you. It isn't about you, but about what they don't want to know exists.
I lived in this land for 46 years, where it was almost near impossible to say what wasn't being said...to the point considering talking about it, never was an option.
And, I am not talking about abuse, but just things you know about another, but never bring up. Or the way you feel about another, but not say. Instead you agree to not talk about the differences, in order to get along.
The church also uses this same co-operative denial, in the application of forgiveness of sins. Where we are not to bring up the sin...so if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
Now, if this is how we were raised in general, then it makes it rougher to talk about the abuse; to break the silence...to no longer co-operate in denial.
My family doesn't know how to talk to me...for I don't play their game of silence.
However, they talk about the unspoken, but just not to the person they have the trouble with. Or at least this is how it used to be when I was part of the family. You don't tell the truth to the one you are with; but about the one who isn't there.
How often do you hear, "I would never tell it to their face..."?
I know there are more agreed denial relationships than ones who leave nothing left unsaid.
I had a tough time, leaving denial. I had to work hard to say what needed to be said and to feel the fear and say it anyway. To speak of the unspeakable and live from there, and not placate myself and others by not being uncomfortable.
I had tons of uncomfortable unsaid things; for I had a built a life upon what wasn't said. And, in the end, we all know how that turned out.
It was what wasn't said that was the truth.
My fear of my father...unsaid.
My questioning the religion...unsaid.
My absence of warm feelings towards my mother...unsaid.
If you look at who I was compared to what I said. I lived as the unsaid me, which was false. The real me, that I left unsaid, was too afraid of what wasn't spoken...
And, rightly so.
When I started to speak from the 'unsaid' side, I was speaking my truth and I started to exist along side of it.
How interesting is that.
In the land of unspoken, the real me ceased to exist as well.
What frightened me the most, was that I knew my first 46 years were built upon nothing...and I had no idea of who I really was.
I had denied Me.
Quilt owned by Northern Lights Clubhouse.
