"Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families"
"Finding Wholeness through Separation: The Paradox of Independence. The Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee January 19 1986"
"Separating"
As we struggle to form an identity separate from our "parent" programs, we are also becoming aware of the need to separate emotionally from our alcoholic homes. Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children.
"To Be or Not to Be?"
"The paradox of independence is that only in separation do we find the courage and strength to live in a world as complete human beings, capable of giving and receiving love, of creating out of a sense of wholeness. In normal separation, children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent and loving parents, and then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe and loved. As children of alcoholics, we internalize parents who are filled with rage and self-hate and who have projected these feelings onto us. We carry this negative view of ourselves, feeling insecure and frightened of our own self-rejection and of being rejected by others. We remain in the same double-bind we experienced as children, unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."
"Empowered or Powerless?"
"In a normal home, children also internalize the strength of their parents. They feel securely held by a sense of parental power which gives logic and structure to their lives. With this foundation and strength, they are able to build a self and create loving intimacy. Children of alcoholics have an overriding feeling of powerlessness for being unable to stop the destructive effects of family alcoholism." ACA
And, further on it is written about helplessness and powerlessness.
"With Step One, the adult child realizes that he or she is now an adult and that the powerlessness mentioned in the Step One does not engender a denial of feelings or mean that we are helpless. Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we are not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults. It means that as adults we are not responsible for going back and "fixing" the family unit. We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin with the gradual process of learning about boundaries. We live and let live." ACA
It was interesting for me to read "Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children."
They are speaking of emotional separation from our dysfunctional families. And, I know this goes against the grain of society and of what we were taught.
It seems too strong of a response for most cases and often, I do hear how they can understand why I had to cut the ties, but in the next breath why they would have a hard time doing the same.
I feel the biggest hurdle adult children have in recovery and healing IS this separation.
What it is so hard is the double bind of "unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."
It is so remarkable and incredulous as I witness the track I find so many adult children of dysfunction standing stuck upon; unable to separate. Like they are wearing boots of concrete, cemented in the ground.
This is the one most pivotal movement that is needed for the cycle of abuse to end.
There appears to be a force field that is not approachable...where the adult child can't even entertain the thoughts or consider a life beyond...family.
The force field of being bound into a dysfunctional family is incredibly hard to break. It's field appears to be laced with love, kindness and all manner of 'goodness'.
I am not sure I can accurately articulate the views from either side of this force field.
As a person standing inside the force field, I appear strong and courageous for sharing my story so truthfully. However, if you were to ask them to do the same, you would get how they are not willing to bring shame upon their family...how they want to be kind and loving.
What I can't get them to see is themselves seeing me differently than they see themselves or perhaps not be able to see Me in themselves.
That they are not willing to either see their families reflected in mine, or see how they too would grow beyond the limits of their families dysfunction IF they were willing to separate.
How can they bring shame upon their family IF I did not bring shame upon mine?
You can't have two versions of one truth.
It is so simple and yet so complex and extremely hard to manage...to walk away from abuse.
The toughest part of being abused within a family IS that we believe that love is twisted in with the abuse. And we won't disengage due to not wanting to leave that love behind.
It is my deepest knowing. Love and abuse can't live in one relationship...
You can't have both.
You only get to pick one.
When I went over the wall and left my family. I did not leave love behind.
I was going towards love, not away from it.
I was now free to express who I was, to know intimate closeness,to express all manner of emotions and to have feelings love and joy, and peace. I went over the wall as a wounded child and fell in love.
