Martha Beck writes in O Magazine....
"It may seem that lying is easier than honesty - that it has the magical power to spare feelings and make us appear less flawed than we are. But the truth is like fresh, clean air, while lies are like smog that poisons our psyches and interactions. The amount of truth you must tell to any given person depends on how much healthy intimacy you want with that person. The more intimate you want a relationship to be, the more truth you must tell. It's that simple."
She has rules about the truth...and I just picked the lines I loved under each rule.
#1 Always tell yourself the truth.
"The more we align ourselves with our deepest truths, the clearer, saner, and happier our inner lives become."
Questions for clearing denial.
What am I afraid to know?
What am I hiding?
What do I almost know?
What knowledge am I avoiding?
Warning: The truth generated by this exercise may rock various boats in your life. But to continue lying is to doom yourself to endless misery. Sit and breathe the truth for a while. Feel how clear and bracing it is.
#2 Tell your loved ones as much truth as you can.
A 2012 study found that when subjects told just three fewer white lies per week, they reported noticeable relief from tension and melancholy and fewer physical ailments like sore throats and headaches. Maybe that's because lying, even to please someone means giving up the chance to be genuinely known, understood, and loved as we are. Conversely, if someone's lying to us, then no matter how much we adore him or her, we're loving a fiction. Without honesty, people feel emptiness and disconnection. People grow apart when they don't share what's happening to them as they grow."
#3 Tell acquaintances enough truth to maintain optimal connection.
"Remember intimacy increases with honesty. Share less to keep people away and more to draw them closer."
#5 If you're desperate to kill a relationship lie.
"Only in relationships that are already weird and awful is lying an ideal communication technique."
"If you think lying will "protect" a person or relationship you value, go back to rule 1. Your heart will tell you that no matter how protective lying may feel, it always poisons connection."
Martha Beck
Great article and very appropriate timing...
If all you take away from her article are these two things; the truth connects and breeds intimacy, while lying is poisonous to connection...it will help you in your life knowing when to lie and when to tell the truth. It all depends upon the relationship you want.
The less you want to connect with someone, the less honest you have to be.
How I see dysfunctional families, which are built upon lies and NOT telling the truth, is that there is no deep connection there or intimacy between each other. Rather the lies or silence are actually the poison that creates dysfunction.
Telling the truth to yourself is rule one.
And, if you have a fear of 'wrecking' a relationship with your parents by telling the truth, you are actually retreating from a deeper connection, NOT perserving one.
The exact opposite is happening...while you lie for love.
