Step Eight - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
"While making such a list, we are also mindful of our Inner Child and the need to protect the child within from harm during the amends process. While we concentrate here on willingnes and making the list, we must realize that many adult children have families that remain in denial about family addiction or dysfunction. Walking into your home and announcing that you are an adult child might bring up an unintended effect. We urge caution for some circumstances; however, we do not let fear or being uncomfortable stop us from making this important list of wrongs."
"With Step Eight and Step Nine we are strengthening our commitment to changing our lives. We are doing something that is not easy but which will build confidence and set us free. We are moving past our comfort zone. We are moving further away from our dependent, people-pleasing selves toward our new home. We are improving a real connection with our Higher Power."
In the section "Letting Go of Parents"
"We realize our parents were often the perpetrators of our abuse; however, many of us have acted inappropriately toward them. Some of us have been calculating and have acted with malice of forethought. We have attempted to get even with our parents in one way or another. We hurt them and hurt ourselves emotionally in the long run. Some incest victims have extracted money and gifts as part of the compensatory guilt they use against an offending parent or relative. These are difficult claims to listen to, but we must face them if we are to be different in our dealings with other people. For if we have abused our parents in retaliation, we more than likely have abused others. The abuse started with our parents and we will start there to change our behavior."
"In many cases we have crossed the line, and we must look at that behavior for our own benefit, not our parents' benefit. This is our Eighth Step list, and this is our chance to change. We are the ones seeking change, and therefore we are the ones doing the heavy spiritual lifting. We are sweeping off our side of the street regardless of what another had done or not done. We are giving our parents to God, as we understand God. We are freeing them to their choices and their desires. We are separate from them. They have no power over us just as we have no power over them."
"That said, some parents are so dangerous or preverted that the adult child must avoid them to remain safe and sane. Surely we would think twice about asking an incest victim to make amends to a perpetrator. Any amends would obviously involve harmful behavior we have engaged in after growing up and leaving home. The actual amends may be to protect ourselves and to know that we did nothing to cause the sexual abuse in childhood. Forgiveness of a sexually abusive relative without a face-to-face meeting has been the choice of some ACA members in this situation. We gain personal power by realizing tha the dysfunction did not start with us. We release the shame we carried surrounding the sexual abuse. We know that we can have healthy love in our lives."
"At the same time, some incest victims in ACA have made direct amends to a sexually abusive relative. These members report the amends, or a frank discussion with the offending relative, allows real honesty to be introduced to the family. In these cases, the incest victim forgave the offending relative and made direct amends for harmful behavior toward the relative. These adult children say the amends produce a powerful sense of resolution. Resentment and shame were removed."
"We leave decisions on these types of amends to the adult child and his or her sponsor or counselor."
"Step Eight Spiritual Principles: Willingness and Self-Forgiveness"
This is a personal journey, in one where you get to decide if disconnecting or being with your abusive relative is helpful or harmful to your Inner Child.
I know that my silence and separation is often seen as cruel, but it is very kind to my Inner Child.
And, I have given up the right to control others and have offered them the freedom to be themselves and given their lives back to them...and the Universe.
To remain safe and sane, I am estranged.
