Step Five…"Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
"Rule and Found Freedom"
"The fifth Step was by far my most difficult Step. I remember when I grew up my father would explode emotionally, and we'd walk on eggshells. Afterwards, no one would ever talk about the incident. There was never an apology. My father frequently said to me, "No one wants to hear what you have to say. Nothing you say is valuable. You're not learning anything when you're talking. Shut up."
"To ask someone I barely knew to listen to me talk about my problems for even a few minutes was difficult. To ask them to listen to my entire Fifth Step was much harder. I overcame my father's admonitions when I worked Step Five. My sponsor and I spent two afternoons, for three hours each time. I told her about my character defects, my life and what I had contributed to my problems. I felt guilty because I made a lot of mistakes, but admitting my mistakes made me feel incredibly free."
"The Fifth Step process has been very challenging. The reward, however is freedom from the past."
"Step Five Summary"
"By working Step Five we are challenging the three main rules entrenched in our soul as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home. The rules are "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, and Don't Feel." Growing up in a dysfunctional family meant not trusting what you were seeing or what your parents said. Abuse was often minimized or blamed on another cause, which resulted in the child no trusting his or her own perceptions."
"The don't talk" rule has its origins in home where children were often told to "shut up" or "be quiet" whenever they attempted to speak or express a thought. Others were ignored under the "don't talk" rule and therefore stopped talking. The "Don't Talk" rule also means that family doesn't talk about things that are important such as feelings or spirituality. The rule is also a method of keeping sick family secrets."
"The Don't Feel" rule of dysfunctional homes often means that feelings were unimportant or too scary to address. Before recovery, we could be accused of being too sensitive or being immature if we expressed feelings in a dysfunctional home. To avoid such ridicule, we usually shut down our emotions. The "Don't Feel" rule is a rule that underlies our ability to stuff feelings such as fear. Some of us lived in constant fear of being ridiculed, teased, or battered by an abusive parent. By the time we reach recovery, many of us are numb from living in fear. We cannot call the feelings of fear into focus, but it is there, driving our hypervigilance."
"In Step Five, we talk about what happened, and we trust another person to hear us without judgement. We feel the feelings that come up with the help of our ACA support group and a sponsor or counselor."
"In Step Five, we finally get to talk about what matters rather than denying or filtering what happened. This is a critical step for any adult child hoping to face the effects of a dysfunctional upbringing and continue to grow in the ACA program."
"We know that breaking the dysfunctional family rules does not come easy for adult children. These rules are similar to the survival traits we used to live through our childhoods. We learned to trust these rules and use them in our daily lives; however, the rules have outlived their usefulness. They are strangling our lives and our relationships. We have to find another way to live with feelings, trust and voice." ACA
Again, I agree wholeheartedly in breaking these rules. It is to become very vulnerable AND face the wrath of those who had enforced those rules in our childhood. As well as our siblings who are still adhering to them in their adulthood.
It literally feels like YOU are doing something bad when you break the rules of dysfunction. And, you have to be willing to use your feelings and to put your heart and soul once again on the line, in hopes they will hear you.
Steps four and five are like sling-shots....flinging you backwards into your childhood where you can no longer hide behind the rules, BUT this time put them down and do the opposite.
TALK
FEEL
and TRUST.
Doing this will break the cloak...the burden of carrying the responsiblity for another's poor behavior and owning your own. To be transparent in your story...and show all in the characters they are.
Not hiding them behind the rules.
