Step Nine - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
"As we stand there with our Eighth Step list, we are astonished by a perspective we never imagined possible. We have finally gotten above it all with clarity. We can see that our parent’s dysfunction was not our fault. On the horizon, we see the preceding generations of our family lined up in single file, stretching back for miles. There must be 100 generations or more. At the front of the line, we see our parents as children with their parents. We recognize our grandparents, but visualizing our parents as vulnerable children is a new experience for us."
"We notice the generations of our family passing forward a bundle. They move the bundle along by handing it off from one generation to the next. We watch as the bundle moves closer to our grandparents and to our parents. The bundle is heavy and gripped tightly as one generation hands it off to the next. The bundle is held at the stomach level as it is passed forward. We concentrate on the bundle and begin to recognize it. Our eyesight has been improved by our Step work. We can see more clearly. We see our grandparents kneel down to give the bundle to our parents. As our parents receive the bundle as children, we understand what they have taken possession of. It is shame, abandonment, and loss from the ages. We think about what we have seen. We realize we don’t have to take possession of the bundle. It is not ours. We are free. We look behind us, over a shoulder, to a clear horizon. There are no families there yet. We realize we have a chance to interrupt the passing on of family dysfunction."
This visual is so perfect in seeing how our legacy of abuse was passed on, how the children are given the responsibility to carry on in silence, to take it and hold it OR to let it go.
In letting it go, I broke with the tradition within my family. I am the odd one out.
I know many will try and claim they have admitted the abuse exists, but it isn't enough. You literally have to act different. Make changes in stopping the flow of dysfunctional choices.
The book goes on...
"Children do not always need all the details about our abuse and neglect. They have lived it and need a demonstration of changed behavior more than psychological or wordy explanations."
This is so powerful. We need to see demonstrations of change, by actions. I will know others by how they act much more than what they say.
My actions are clearly visible and felt. They need no commentary.
The book also talks about hurting others when making amends.
"In making amends, we avoid bringing harm to another person by disclosing something that might be unnecessary and off the mark."
"For instance, if we are making amends to an ex-wife, we need not bring up the infidelity we might have had with her sister. To do so serves no purpose in the moment. We need to admit our cheating to our sponsor or counselor and know in our hearts that the behavior was wrong. We change such behavior in the future and stay out of the lives or our ex-wife and her sister."
They go on and list lots of behavior that was hurtful to themselves and others. And, as I look at the lists, I am grateful that I am not on them.
However, I am on the list of being silent and complicit. I didn't speak my feelings and I wasn't honest with myself and others in that regard. I went along to get along. I was a silent partner in the crimes of dysfunction.
To make amends...(I have to go and look up the word "Amends"....reparation or compensation.)
Now, "Reparation" - the making of amends for a wrong one has done, by paying money to or otherwise helping those who have been wronged.
In the light of what this is calling for us to do, how can I repay my silence? How can I help those I wronged and who did I wrong?
I believe that my silence hurt the girls who followed me. I believe that my silence hurt my own little girl (Inner Child). I believe that I am making amends each time I speak out, write on this blog, share what I know and have learned about.
At first glance I thought I would have to make amends to my parents...but I did not wrong them. I did not act out or retaliate. I complied. Until I didn't.
Perhaps some may feel that I now need to make amends for my outspokenness or for putting up boundaries etc. But my amends, I feel are to those I hurt.
I hurt so many by being disloyal to my feelings and for keeping silent about my fear of my father. I hurt many by going along against my feelings.
I believe, since it was very hard for me to do, that my change needed to be the opposite of what I had done that harmed others. Being silent about things I should not have been silent about.
The Spiritual Principles in Step Nine are "Forgiveness and Courage". I believe that I have understood this principle and have walked it.
I have broken my silent and am no longer complicit. We are the half of dyfunction that allows perpetrators and those who are doing wrong to continue. We are the silent watchers....those who allow negative behavior to continue, in order to be 'loved'. We silently carry the bundle...for we know, if we drop it, we will be shuned and distanced. The bundle we carry is the wrong behavior of others. It isn't ours to carry. In doing so, we are pretending all is well and that the evil, which we are holding, doesn't exit in another. I carried my father's dysfunction.
