I don't know what is more unsettling, the fact that I was so affected by having to make do with a car on the mail route OR how quickly I became used to it.
My first day of delivering mail from the left-hand drive vehicle without four wheel drive, overwhelmed my inner peace. It makes everything 50% harder than a normal mail day with a right-hand drive jeep.
From getting in, to sitting strangely, to struggling to reach each mail box, to getting stuck, because one tire was just a bit too deep in the snow....all made up for a day of frustration, reducing me to a two-year old wanting to throw a tantrum. I resented being put upon...I just wanted my jeep.
The second day, I was much more at 'home' in the vehicle...and this was equally as odd. Showing me how quickly we can become comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The first day I felt the concept of dysfunction and its cost on your inner world as well as the frustrations in the outer world, and how it creates a cloudy environment in which you live. Just 'making do' is the ingredients that makes turmoil.
I understood how important it is to have the proper tools for a job.
I also could see how we can 'make do' in many areas of life...by letting go of what is optimal.
And worse how we can adjust ourselves to be okay with much less than perfect situations.
Without the struggle of making do, my work life with the Jeep moves with ease...and there is very little emotional or stress as I go about my route.
When I experienced the make do world, I know that there are many folks in the world whose lives are at the pressure point of exploding, due to having to make do.
It helped me see the mountain of 'make do' my childhood was under...and the weight of it blows my mind.
I am not sure being raised in a home where there is so much not working, you would be able to discern it being stressful; for it is normal. Everything is an effort to make it work.
In a family of 14, the money was not enough, the space was not enough, the attention not enough...add to that a strict religion and abuse and you have an impossible environment for gentle raising.
The stress on the parents is one thing, but the cost on the children is more. For we had no choices and were suffering abuse in a hostile environment of making do.
I used to think it was an admirable trait to be able to complete a task with less than perfect tools or in a situation out of control...to not need the perfect tool, made me stronger/wiser/more proficient. Now I can see its cost upon me.
Being the second oldest, I was my mother's helper; her right hand. We struggled against a tide of 'not enough' and then too much. Not enough tools and way too much work.
It would be a challenge to run a household of 14 children with money and proper parenting...it is mayhem with the things we were up against.
As I thought of the climate in my childhood home and of my childhood, I could see how I internalized the lacks as mine. How I drew in the stress and how it stole my life. I survived, but I did not pay attention to me.
What I wanted. My dreams. My needs. All were hidden behind the stress of the loud needs within the house.
I now feel an almost allergic reaction to anything that resembles 'making do'.
Even a temporary detour there puts me into panic, resentment, and feelings of being out of control and knowing I MUST still make it work, somehow. It reminded me of how I used to live.
And then, the way it changed how I seen life. I was unable to enjoy the fun things of life...while struggling to make do. I came home drained.
I know this is a thumbnail print of my childhood.
With so much surviving going on, no room is left for the lighthearted dreaming. And even the kinder feelings never get a chance to bloom. This I think, makes me the most sad. To see a child so caught up in the struggle...that our soulful part of ourselves is stunted...severely.
What I also believe, is that this soulful part is our true selves.
The true self that gets neglected in order to survive.
This is the most tragic loss of childhood abuse and neglect.
Where life's struggles take up life...neglecting the dreamer, the soul, the Art, the beauty of life.
