IMPERFECT Lady

Successful Path

"After all there were far more pathways to messing up than there were to success..." is a line in book written by Pam Leonard...."Death's Imperfect Witness".

What I love about that line, is that this is life...and our choices.  

Each will lead somewhere, but where? 

And how true,  there seem to be more pathways to messing things up, compared to the one that will lead to success.

How can we know which ones NOT to take and without having the experience of success...to gamble on one, that appears unsure.

Maybe just knowing that there are more pathways to mess things up....it will lead us to be more cautious or questioning of life...or to look wider at our situations; to not react at first glance, but to search for things that don't add up.

Usually, in my experience, the pathway that appears the easiest, is often the one that leads to the biggest messes.  Or the one which requires no probing or looking deeper than what is seen at first glance.

Knowing there are more options for messing up than those to success, make the successful paths not only harder to find, but they will require more of you; just to find them, let alone traverse them.  And, from what I have seen, less traveled.

Most seem to follow the crowd, regardless of where they are being led, not daring to ask questions or risk being foolish with discernment.  

Some of us can see "something isn't right", but how often do we follow our guts and voice this idea?  

Who wants to be the one to see what others would rather NOT see? Who wants to create a 'bigger' problem...when there appears to be a 'simple' solution?

As I view the generational legacy of incest within the framework of pathways....there certainly are more that lead to messes, than away.

In order to find the path to success, you will have to seek what is failing, what isn't right, to see what is off, to feel and intuit things...to look for problems, not what is working.

I think most fail to find the path to success for they are not looking for what isn't right.

Instead they focus on what appears to be fine.

They refuse the whole package and pick and pull from the positive...ignoring what is failing.

I know it appears that I am a negative seeker, that I overlook the positive...when in fact, I am taking in the whole image and going where that path leads.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are, believe them the first time."

I see our individual lives as pathways, where we will walk with each other and displaying ourselves by the choices we make.  Showing a blind eye to what is off, doesn't fill me with trust in you.  I see a person who is blind to what is going on.

The successful path, is one that stays in reality...no matter what presents itself.  And a successful person is one who dares to see what is off...what others want to hide and ignore...

I am not going to try and make other see.

But I will always try to see clearly.

And, when I feel something is off....to seek that.

This is the tool of the body and mind...which many override.  I neglected the signals of my body for 46 years...now I use it to live life.

I use my body to find the successful path.

 
 

 

True Being.

I loved this talk.  He opens us all, inviting us into the complex experiences of those who appear different.  Their challenges are really ours to accept.

Brilliant and articulate!

My upbringing within a cult-like religion, who cast aside anyone who was of a different faith, schooled me for sameness.  

And, how sameness equaled special, saved, better than.

It made me one of the worst kinds in humanity, where difference was not allowed.

When I too was cast aside for my abuse or my speaking of it, or for my seeing the churches hand in blessing it; allowed me to live as "different". 

Being Different has made me accepting.

While I would not want to re-live the past again, I would give nothing for my journey today.  

What I know for certain, It isn't the "Different" among us who are creating a negative world, but those who can't see them in their true being. 

 

The old you.

Step Ten - Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admitted it."

"Step Ten is where we continue to inventory our behavior and thinking. With this Step we continue to let go of control and expose our denial aobut the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home.  We learn to take a balanced view of our behavior, avoiding the tendency to take too much responsibility for the actions of others.  At the same time, we also curb our tendency to blame others when we are obviously wrong, yet are too afraid or ashamed to admit it. There is no need for long analyses of our behavior. We know that we come from wounded childhoods and we are addressing that in the Steps."

"Step Ten is where we can continue to integrate any left over character defects or survival skills into our emerging identity. As we learned in Step Seven, there will be residual defects and survival traits that won't recede easily. This does not mean we have failed in previous Steps.  Step Ten is where we can acknowledge and embrace these lingering but less useful traits. We use humility and consistent effort to integrate these aspects of our personality."

"Some adult children describe integration as walking into a dark room, closing the door, and talking to each lingering trait. We visualize such traits as people-pleasing, addictive thinking, confusing love with pity, and judging ourselves harshly. In the darkness, we speak to these traits. We thank them and others for their protection in our lives. We ask them to retire or step back. Some we bid farewell, and some we integrate. We make peace with those parts of ourselves that kept us alive as kids but which no longer serve a useful purpose. This exercise is called walking into the darkness to find the light.  Coming out of the dark room, we stand in the light, knowing we have faced our most disturbing traits again and survived. Facing our "shadow" helps us live in the moment and feel hopeful about the future." 

Step Ten Spiritual Principles:  Honesty and Discernment

It is wildly fascinating and horrifying to see your survival self and her needs and the way she operated in life in order to feel safe or loved or in control.  

I had just a quick glance at her the other day.  This shadow self makes an apperance when I am tired, wanting to control or when I don't make a choice based on what I feel.

In the aftermath, or during the life situation, I see things through her old eyes; very self absorbed.

It is when I practice self-love and honesty before an event; that I can keep her away.

What she sounds like is that the world is there to make her happy and how dare they not know this.  How dare they say no or not react now. I forget to remember that they are people too...within their own worlds, with their needs, wants and desires.

A visual of my old self seeing a situation compared to reality is very hateful, anger rises and resentment fills my veins. My need to control and manipulate is righteous.

When I refuse to act...she sulks.

When I give myself space to think and see what is really going on, that it isn't an act of pure apathy or neglect (echoes from an abusive childhood), but rather integrity speaking...even if it isn't matching my needs.  I see through eyes of understanding.

What I am finding out is I bring anger...when I am self absorbed.

I bring understanding when I am not in fear.

It is surreal how quickly my old self wants to rise to my defense and how quickly it changes my viewpoints on those I love...and how negatively it feels inside.

It is like a cloud descends upon my world...inside and outside.

I don't know how I survived living this way for 46 years....and the difference between the two are so dramatic inside.

The warm soft feelings are shoved aside for rigid, sharp, silent, resentful, anger...a defensive wall that blocks out everything, but my pinpoint need IN that moment of time.

It can eclipse not only reality, but all those who live in there with me.

This has to be the content of self-absorption.

People say, "who in their right mind could do such a thing" and I am here to tell you, they are acting from this spot I just had a glimpse of.  Where they get almost tunnel vision...okay, not almost, but tunnel vision; where their need is all they see.

It is so unreasonable and yet it is so overwhelming, you can't see yourself being so out of sorts.

For while you have this pinhead view of what you need and your desire to control others to get it, you can't see yourself being so narrow minded.

My husband has been a great teacher to teach me to release control.

For he quietly says "no"...and then does nothing when he could be doing what I need him to do. This activates my old self in a heart beat.

But, in juxtaposition of this nature of doing things in his own time, is a man of patient and kind love.  My mind has a hard time with this.  For the traits of neglect and apathy are nowhere to be found.  I am looking for fuel to ignite my old self and all I get left with is to see me being self absorbed.

He being love.

Me being resentful for this one little thing I wanted wasn't done on my timeline....and this equals a "hate"....and the snowball begins to roll.

In my mind...it wants to destroy who he really is for some imaginary man.

In my childhood, it was the opposite.  My mind created an imginary kind man/woman  and life...and this mechnism can still function.  I can go from reality to hell in no time at all.  Before I went from Hell to illusion...to survive.

Now this survival trait would wreck love, peace and joy...and to live in a world that I don't control nor do I want to.

Sometimes you have to say good bye a few times...to the old you.

 

 

 

 

How I serve myself.

I continue to learn about me.  

I allow myself to put my self out, and then feel put out...and want to blame someone.

Anyone but me.

What I need to learn is not to over 'extend' myself...while 'lessening' other people's loads, I weigh myself down and then act like I have been 'put upon'...when I am the one loading me up. 

My last example wasn't a huge burden, but enough for a slow boil resentment inside.

While my mind searched for someone to blame, it didn't come to me, until I was in a conversation with someone who too was selling himself short.

It is so easy to look at the empty-handed folks with resentment...even when I was the one who orchestrated or emptied their arms.  It amazes me how I want to carry others...without no regard to the cost to myself.  I speak before I ask "how will this make me feel."

I want to spare the burden of others, while overloading myself...not seeing me cracking under the weight.

I used to feel like a rescuer, or one to 'save the day' or make the party, or shine in some over achieving way...only to subconsciously expect others to over participate as well.

Like we all need to give until it hurts.

What I also noticed it is harder to say no to small things and easier to say no to things of great moral outrage.  But to allow myself to carry just my share seems like I am barely trying...or 'not caring enough'...and even 'not loving enough'.

I am sure this goes back to the dysfunctional raising, where you are not to look at how certain behavior affects your inner self, but rather act without regard...and make other's happy, no matter what.

When you put yourself first, as you first make choices...you would be able to shut off the valve of resentment. 

It is maddening to know that I am the one to be resentful of.

And, it is very good news.  

For once again, I have the power to change.

For when I take on too much, all I serve is resentment...to myself and others.  It isn't serving caring or love.

Serving me love, will often mean doing less or nothing.

I will watch more closely how I serve myself.

 

Who Programmed it.

Who knew that the brain is responsible for how we live our lives?  That it isn't what happens to us, or seemingly against us, but rather how our minds process life.

And how our brains are groomed or structured to respond in certain ways...very set precise ways; eliminating other reasonable options.  And Fear is usually the barbed wire that holds it in place.

What has become so fascinating to me, is not the human condition of evil, but rather the way most minds cannot see it.  

I lived for 46 years with a mind of one pathway and did not know of another way.  I wasn't choosing one pathway, I lived in one pathway.  It wasn't like I continued to make the same choice over and over, but rather there was only one choice that my mind recognized.

I feel that there is a consciousness evolution happening and that those in enough pain will be the first to traverse this road.  

I was ripe for a breakdown out of denial.  My mind was being worked on unbeknownst to me.  

My body was showing signs of distress and giving up.

I was reading the Course of Miracles; which is to change your perception of life.

Yoga was working on my body, where the mind is manifested.

And, reality was so bold in front of me, it eclipsed the one 'true' pathway in my mind.

When it felt like my whole world fell apart, it was actually that my mind had expanded.  I was now able to see and feel things that were kept from me by my mind.

To be aware of falling out of denial is to die while being born.

I was able to see the insanity of my mind and how it had eliminated choices for me. 

This singular pathway now feels like abuse; where there is no choice.

Where there is no freedom to reason things out.

An abused mind, is one where there are no options, no way to see above, below and around each problem; but only one singular choice...that leads to the same outcome.

We see this in the addicted mind.

In the mind of dysfunctional families.

Where behaviors are replicated perfectly generation upon generation.

It isn't behaviors that lead the way, but the trained mind.

What I feel is beneficial to breaking the patterns of these minds, is what worked on my mind...or against its one pathway. And, that is to open up new pathways...

This means, Art, yoga, meditation, to name a few. It is to experience the self beyond the mind.

In Art, if you go out of your mind and create intuitively, you will be strengthening a new part of you to respond to life.  

In Yoga, it is to bring the Mind back to the Body...which is reality.

Meditation...I focused on my breathing in yoga.  It was meditative yoga.  And this again puts space between you and your mind.

The space that will grow new choices.

I can tell immediately a mind that is without options.  The ones I am most familiar with are religious minds...dysfunctional family minds.  My old, one track mind.

I think what was worse than finding out my father was a pedophile and that my mother couldn't see that; was my mind.

How it truly hid reality from me...and in doing so, stole my life.

I was like the woman who couldn't see herself.

All I was was a programmed mind.

It is a miracle to be free of that program.  And it was terrifying to make my own choices; but exhilarating beyond words.

While we think that the addict loves his drugs or that the perpetrators love to sow evil, it is more about being locked in the program unknowingly.  

We are programmed as children.

Most, die as a program.

But, I believe there is an evolution going on that is recognizing where the real source  of our pain is coming from.  It isn't that we are making bad choices, and we can simply chose again, but rather that our brains have eliminated our choice...period.

And, I also believe that we are catching on to how to bring our minds into reality...as well as using our other senses.

To become as Gary Zukav writes "Multi-Sensory" humans.

For to rely solely on a programmed mind, is to live a life exactly as those who programmed it.