"And his silence wasn't just a cultural stoicism, it was a misguided idea of victory. I've always thought that by trying to ignore those memories I take away their power, because I feel like such a victim when I think back, and I don't like feeling weak. So I simply try not to think about them. Besides, it's as if he wins every time I replay them, or attach any importance to them. But they are important. "This patient, viewed his memories through a prism that emphasized the horror and loss, rather than his personal heroism. I get that too." An excerpt from "Death's Imperfect Witness" By Pam Leonard
While this is a work of fiction, the main character is wrestling with how abuse has shaped who she is...and what it means to go back; emotionally.
The idea that by focusing on your abuse and by going back it will keep you a victim, when instead, I feel, that when you do research on your past and what happened, how the non-abusive parent responded, you will learn valuable things that will help you stop being a victim.
I am just not certain you can 'stop' being a victim, by not dealing with the abuse. It seems to me that not dealing is to not regain your strength.
For when you do go back and face what is, you then are stepping back into control.
And, I also feel, that if it reduces you to a child or with fears that seem to overwhelm you, it is because it is bringing you back Emotionally to where it is you are stuck.
You will be a forever victim, if you don't go back and feel what it felt like back there and then to make new choices. It is both in the feeling and then choosing again, that you regain the power.
To never go back and sit down in the memories or feelings of abuse...is to live stuck in that emotional age of when you were abused.
Which is why it is so hard to have adult relationships, for you are living with the emotional age of a child. Our emotions get tucked away with the memories of abuse we don't want to feel.
I know from experience, that the greatest thing I could do was to look closely and to take as long as I needed to sort out what happened in my childhood. It does appear that I have been 'stuck' in the victim mode, when in actuality, I am regaining my strength.
The woman who first caught a glance of being abused and who I am today is completely changed. My insides don't resemble the old me at all. My emotional age has grown tremendously.
My first glimpse reduced me to a child; overwhelmed with terror. My voice was spoken from a very tight place in my higer neck. Now I am speaking from deep in my body.
Space has opened up inside for me to live and feel life fully.
We go back to our abuse, not to be swallowed up by it, but to grab our child self and have them show us around. In doing so, we can see the overview and respond as an adult.
The initial brush with these long held down emotions is overwhelming...but eventually, the volume lessens. The terrorizing scream...is what a child would feel, and we honor it by moving away from what hurt us.
My feelings and my body's emotions were reconciled when I went back to see where the fear came from. I didn't become weaker, but stronger knowing the truth.
It has never been my experience that the truth weakens you.
I feel that you will remain a victim as long as you steer clear of the past.
