What is interesting about being estranged from family, due to abuse, is that others can see why I would move away, but not why they need to. They have no troubles with me excluding MY family. But they will not exclude theirs.
There is a weird perception with abuse, in that it is easier to see abuse when it is outside of your own family and friend circle...than to look within.
Most often other victims of abuse will agree wholeheartedly why I left and can see clearly into my reasoning...and yet find a laundry list of reasons why it would be impossible for them to do the same.
Or, find ways to perceive their families in a nicer light...that will stop such drastic behavior such as estrangement. Or better still, remind me that they will not be so 'unkind'...inadvertantly calling me unkind.
Perhaps those most against me, are fellow victims of childhood abuse...those who agree in words...but not deeds. They don't mean to be, but are.
Most want the 'kinder' version of healing.
Is there one?
Is there a way to honor and respect yourself within a family of folks who can't see you and your needs?
What I find so puzzling is how divorcing a spouse seldom is seen unkind...but leaving a family that isn't conducive to trust, honor and respect IS.
The sentiments that I am unkind, IS what stops most from making the same choices...for it is socially and religiously more kinder to forgive, forget and continue on IN the family, than leave.
There is a stigma I carry.
Remember the meaning of stigma? "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person."
Most try to put the disgrace upon me. Me, the one who has walked away from abuse. I am seen as unkind.
How again does that work?
Leaving a family that is steeped in abuse is unkind....to whom?
Who benefits the most if we all stay?
Certainly not the next generations of victims....but the abuser and his/her supporters.
Just as a spouse who stays within an abusive marriage...staying only allows the abuser to abuse more. It is never good for the abused. And those who leave, are not called unkind.
As long as victims stay, or try and make things better within an abusive family, abuse will flourish. There is no love, trust and respect, there is only victims who see it as unkind to leave.
Kindness stays, forgives, forgets, looks towards the positive, ignorning the bad.
Unkindness means walking away, putting up boundaries, setting standards higher than the family...self-care.
I am a disgrace for wanting more.
My new level of self-care includes me, my peace, my happiness...my love.
One definition of estrangement is to "Turn away in feeling or affection".
What I believe, is that this "Turning Away" happens in the moment of abuse.
My estrangement happened as a child. I am just honoring that today.
How many victims have feelings or affection for those who abused them?
And yet they stay?
