IMPERFECT Lady

Always Innocent.

When another sexual assault case is in the paper, (Canadian Paper - link below) it is the battle of he said, she said and witnesses and the 'task' of finding the truth or covering it up.  

http://blogs.windsorstar.com/2014/06/20/windsor-spitfire-ben-johnson-trapped-woman-in-washroom-stall-sex-assault-trial-hears/

We all sit on a side.

We all come to the article with our own experiences.

We will lean either toward victim or with the 'alleged' perpetrator.

Until the close of trial, the girls/women are seen as guilty and he innocent.

I see them on trial more than him. 

The women having to prove more...explain the unreasonable with reason...and defend their actions...like they put themselves in harms way.

And his virtue appears more ironclad than theirs...for he is a hockey player.

And, he stands with his atheletic career and they stand alone.

Does his career lend more weight and make abuse 'less likely'?  Does this make the job of a victim harder?  Their actions appear to be more easily questioned than his.  

I am interested in this story on many levels...and will follow its trail.

The curiosity of the silence and the lack of coverage in our local media is odd.  

For, you know if it was about his career, they the family would be demanding it.  Now, he is in the big leagues in a legal fight and we are not hearing it.  And, where are the men of the church? Why is there not an outcry for the injustice of women?  Who are they supporting with their silences???

Funny how the 'alleged' abusers garnish such respect.

And how victims aren't helped, supported and praised for exposing such behavior...but rather relegated to 'guilty' until he is proven guilty.  He gets the innocent billing until it is proven otherwise.  And, they get to wear the label guilty.

We as society have agreed with this. There is no allegedly guilty....for the victims...but guilty.

We stand and carry the weight and shame of this crime until the courts and the lawyers 'weight' things out.  It isn't the truth that is weighed and measured, but rather the skills of the lawyers.  

Will this be...."He who has the most money wins?"

Maybe the Canadian Court System has more checks and balances, maybe they lean on the side of the victim and for justice.  Maybe....just maybe the victims are seen as innocent and he the guilty party.

Imagine the change in our legal systems if this were the case?

What I know, is that my father was guilty on so many accounts, and only one entered the court room with him. By the time the courts were done with him, he was set free.  

The truth was not served.

Yet all knew the truth...and victims had no victory.

I guess we believe that once the courts of the lands get the perpetrators, it will prosecute them.  

I have faith in the victims voices, but not in the courts to succeed in taking these guys off the street.  

We will have to see what the Canadian Courts do with this case.

My energy goes to the women standing opposite of him.

Victims are always innocent.

(He was raised in the FALC)

 

This moment of time...

"Are you aware that anxiety is a form of "Doing?"   (Conscious Parenting)

"One of the most common forms of "doing" that we use to cover up our inability to just be is anxiety."

"When parents react to their circumstances with doubt,hesitation, pessimism,or distrust, unable to sit calmly in their present reality, anxiously seeking answers to how their future will look, children orient themselves to life in the same way."

"Because such parents don't see life's difficulties as an invitation to their resilience, instead developing an attitude of "woe is me," their children develop the same emotional response to their own difficulties.  Inheriting the anxiety imprint creates a feeling of victimhood, and a desire to play the role of a martyr."

"Similarly, when parents interact with the present moment in such a way that they focus on what they feel is missing, lack becomes their children's lens on the world.  This is the result of feeling such emptiness that, when we look at the world around us, we focus on what's familiar, which is all the things we think are missing.  We are so unused to operating out of a sense of abundance that we can't recognize the abudance in the universe."

"In some of us, anxiety fuels a need to be "perfect," which leads to a compulsion to "fix" ourselves, all of which is driven by a longing to garner everyone's approval of us.  In others of us, anxiety fuels just the opposite of a desire for approval, which takes the shape of a spirit of rebellion. We still feel we ought to be perfect, still have a yearning to fix ourselves, still want approval, but these are overshadowed by our actual behavior."

"More than anything, anxiety tends to surface as a need to control. When we are unable to be with ourselves, just as we are, we forsake a kinship with our authenticity. In place of authenticity, we either seek to establish some sense of being "in control of ourselves" by bending the will of another, or we try to feel in control dominating someone else, especially our children.  In an attempt to reduce our anxiety, we are driven to order the circumstances of our life, dictate the outcome of situations, and organize the people among whom we live."

"Worry gives us a reassuring sense we are "doing" something, fooling us into imagining we somehow have control over things.  By engaging in mental "doing"we feel we are taking action. However, since worrying is focused on the future, on things not yet developed, it deflects us from initiating positive action in the present. The truth is worry is a mask for our fear of being "present" in our present."

"Paradoxically, when we are caught up in anxiety, we are afraid of actually taking charge of our situation in a way that might change things for better.  In fact, when we examine anxiety closely, it's really a passive state - a distractor that allows us to fill our head with busy thoughts that appear to be active responses to our situation but in reality are powerless. Though we seek to impose control through the stance we take on an issue, by means of our thoughts, or by seeking to impose our will on others, we rarely take the action required to alter things."

"The anxiety generated by the thought of surrendering to our reality manifests itself in a variety of ways. It's worth exploring some of them. For instance, whenever life doesn't turn out the way we want it to, we experience an overarching sense that we are "above" life, which means that things are only supposed to go wrong for other people, not "special" individuals like ourselves. We tell ourselves, "This isn't supposed to happen to me. This can't happen to this family. I can't believe that I, of all people, have to go through this.  I need more from life. This isn't what I bargained for.This isn't what I worked so hard for."

"A cycle of this kind, passed from generation to generation, is only broken when we discover that worrying is a mask for a fear of being present. By becoming present, we can help our children develop their trust in life as inherently wise."  

Dr. Shefali Tasabary

I think we think, that anxiety and worry are just obvious caring items...that mean we are over concerned and attentive....But who knew, that what we really feared was the present moment full of what it is holding?

I know that becoming present in a present that was anything but what I wanted,  I broke the link of a generational avoidance with reality in the present.

How odd that the goal of being perfect discounts the present and as it is in this moment...putting them aside while longing for more.  Not seeing the abundance, what it needs more of.

I again, have parented from the unconscious and the conscious.  The difference is a complete and wild turnaround, while doing nothing to alter the present, than to sit with wholly.

The peace that comes from fully accepting this moment in time allows no room or reason for anxiety and worry.

If you can accept the worst than there is no reason to fear the present, no matter what appears.  

I know I can.

I also know, that I will know what to do in that moment, when it happens.  No sense to worry, for all worry is a mask for a fear of being present.

The goal in life and in parenting is to be present.

That is all.

Don't scurry away from this moment in time....but rather be with it.

I wondered what happened to my worry...and now I know.  I also know, that when I begin to worry, it feels awful and it is so hard to live there. I quickly return to this moment of time...

 

 

Never Been Before.

My concept of WIND (Women In New Directions) was to energize and expand the inner landscape; in order to grow confident into new choices.  Choices that will change your life to reflect more and more your true essence.

This week, I experienced three different meetings...based on WIND.

Women of WIND helped to facilitate a collage workshop at Northern Lights Clubhouse.  I was able to witness the engaged energies and creative force from each individual.  The intense focus transported them into the project at hand...taking them into a space where expression is expressed via art...and it was more about being themselves, than it was about having to be something else to fit in.

I am not sure I will adequately be able to encapsulate the moving force that seems to be self energized when you bring yourself into the space of free creating...where no rules are present.

The energy comes from inside.

Busting through the gates society has placed on 'normal' or 'good enough' and to allow the Art to silence the familiar blocks.

My second meeting was WIND itself...where we are comfortable with each other and at trying new things together.  Within the group I have seen personalities expand as we meet twice monthly and have lost lots of the insecurities while creating. We have come to learn to be secure as beginners.

The third meeting was my Art Quilt Meeting, which was the impetus for creating WIND...it was the model I have aspired to re-create.

I entered that meeting tired...empty and wasn't even sure if I was going to attend, until 20 minutes before it started.  

What I experienced was the way you are literally changed by being around creativity and folks who are daring to express themselves in Art.

It isn't about perfect art form.

It isn't about the end results.

It is about the space that is open for self expression; minus all rules.

It is about seeing something from nothing.

Meaning art that comes without a pattern.

There is hope, inspiration and generalized courage to be different, unique and yourself!

In the aftermath of the Art Quilt Group, I was so UP and energized I did not sleep well.  My mind was running with ideas...

What I know to be true, in my experience...is that creative expression changes your inner world.  It takes the vacuum like space and fills it with wild multifaceted colorful energy that begs to be expressed.

It takes you out of routine and dares you to dance with new confidence and courage, to throw caution to the wind and take new chances...perhaps finding a new direction!

Not only was I part of a new group to WIND, but WIND and then the Original group which inspired WIND and I felt personally the lift in my inner energy. WIND will take you to places you have never been before!

Be Themselves!

"As a result of the damage I have seen so many children inflicted with at the hands of unwitting parents, I suggest we remove ourselves from the pedestal of approval-giving by telling ourselves each day, "I ask to be released from the notion that I have any power or jurisdiction over my child's spirit. I release my child from the need to obtain my approval, as well as from the fear of my disapproval. I will give my approval freely as my child has earned this right.  I ask for the wisdom to appreciate the sparkle of my child's ordinariness.  I ask for the ability not to base my child's being on grades or milestones reached. I ask for the grace to sit with my child each day and simply revel in my child's presence. I ask for a reminder of my own ordinariness and the ability to bask in its beauty. I'm not here to judge or approve my child's natural state. I'm not here to determine what course my child's life should take. I'm here as my child's spiritual partner. My child's spirit is infinitely wise and will manifest itself in exactly the way it's meant to. My child's spirit will reflect the manner in which I am invited to respond to my own essence."  Dr.Shefali Tsabary...

If only parents understood and embraced the fact that how we embrace, engage and respond to our own inner sense of self, IS how our children will see themselves.

Parenting is more about living the example, and they will mirror you...without fail.

This brings me much peace, knowing that the more I can fully respond to my own essence, the more my children will be alerted to theirs. 

Conscious parenting isn't so much about the needs of the child, as it is about our own needs.  How we listen to our inner self and how capable we are in honoring who we are.

Freeing our child's spirit is the ultimate in parenting.

Allowing them to connect inwardly and to detach themselves as our happiness maker.

A very high marker of healthy is when a child makes a choice that is opposite of ours and that we both find a way to make peace with it.  To detach from the choice and allow the consequences to land where they may.

I understand that what Dr. Shafli writes about will seem very self serving...selfish and in complete opposition of what we were taught and how we were raised....and I am so excited about it.  

To be free from the expectations, happiness or unhappiness of your parent is the ultimate space to respond to your essence.

In order for me to embrace my inner child/self...I had to be okay with failing on many levels with my parents and siblings.  I began living the opposite of how we were raised.

I no longer served an outside master...nor could I care more about another's inner landscape...than my own.  

It is my hope, that the more conscious parents become, the less estrangements will happen...in order for a child to be free.

I see children breaking free as they begin responding to their essence...leaving families that do not celebrate the individual child.  In order to live from the inside out, they have to ask for space from their family. For the family dynamic isn't conducive to self expression...but in serving thy mother and thy father...first.

What my last 10 years of learning have been about is this separation...and to follow my inner knowing, regardless of how other's feel or respond. To stay true to course, no matter what.  

In doing so, I have opened the doorway for my child to do the same.  

What I want the most, is a child that knows itself. A child that is free from the strings of approval or the fear of disapproval...but one who can fearlessly be themselves!

 

 

 

Short of Perfect.

"Many of us exude an energy that screams, "Life better satisfy my needs!" Driven by this energy, we seek to extract pleasure from life in the exact package we think we require. Because we are steeped in this demanding energy, anything that doesn't meet our expectations feels worthless.  Even when something precious is offered us, we find no value in it. Highly judgmental, we resist not only life in its as is form, but also our children in their as is form. Of course, our resistance gets us nowhere because life remains true to its essential nature, flowing in its own way.  If we are wise, we recognize this and start flowing with it rather than fighting it."

 Dr. Shefali Tsabary "Conscious Parenting".

How interesting it was to read, that when we don't accept life in it "AS IS" form, we also will not accept our children in their "as is" form.

Not only our children, but all who we come in contact with.

I just had a conversation about perfectionism...and its definition, meaning "refusal to accept any standard short of perfection".

We tend to think that perfection is a high goal to reach for, but what I had not considered is the refusal to accept.

What an insane idea or stance to take...refusing to accept.  I know they are saying anything short of perfection, but what is perfect and who are we to decide its standard?

Here is another view of perfectionism and the way it leaves those of us who were abused...out.  We will never ever be 'perfect' again, and are now the image that broke the perfect picture.  If you only see or acknowledg and accept perfect, we will no longer measure up to that standard.

What happens to us who are now unable to be 'perfect' is that we feel estranged or carry the mark of 'disgrace' of no longer being perfect.  We are cast out, not for our wounds, BUT for your refusal to accept anything short of the mark of perfect.

How I see dysfunctional families, is that they are not accepting of what is....or as is, when abuse enters in. They refuse to accept...and have this odd twisted sense of rising above, protecting or proclaiming even louder how blessed the family is.

Putting forth a picture perfect picture of family.

I know, that when they resist life as is, they too are risisting me as I am.

When I was able to fully accept life as it is, I accepted me as I am and in turn was able to accept my children as they are...my husband as he is...and so on.

I have to see what the opposite of Perfectionism is....it is  "Carelessness"?

I did not know what would come up...it is shocking to see.

How interesting.

This is why most have the high standards of perfectionism...to show they 'care'.

While not accepting anything short of perfect.

 

 

Fades Away

"Fear is a stranger to the ways of love. Identify with fear, and you will be a stranger to yourself. And thus you are unknown to you. What is your Self remains an alien to the part of you which thinks that it is real, but different from yourself. Who could be sane in such circumstance? Who but a madman could believe he is what he is not, and judge against himself." ACIM

I am not sure I can properly articulate how fear steps in and becomes who you are...

I am also just as sure that I became myself by doing what Fear 'suggested' I never do.

If you allow fear to stand between you and what you want to do, you become only what fear stops you from being.  

I lived most of my life under what fear imposed; never daring to disappoint fear.

While I catered to the whims, needs and desires of fear, I never entertained love.

Love was a stranger to me, while I knew fear intimately.

I knew what it wanted me to do....clearly!

When I dared disappoint fear...or when I was forced to step over fear, it was then I felt the stirrings of love.

When I was fully on display with all my wounds showing...fear was no where to be found.  It didn't protect me or hold me.  

You may feel that fear protects you from harm. 

It does not.

Fear prevents you from seeing your strength and courage.

It stands between you and you knowing you.

Between realizing and recognizing your true inner beauty.

Many of the things you 'fear' to do, reduces you to be an imitation of who you are.

Who would you be if you didn't see/feel or know fear?

What would you do if you were not afraid?

All I know, is that fear substituted itself for me.

I was too afraid to be myself.

To speak my truth.

Or, God forbid, be my truth.

When life was fully exposed and there was nothing more to FEAR, I was set free. When the worst that could happen, happened...I lost fear and saw everything beyond it.

Hard to explain, but so profound to experience.

I am now determined to be me, fear less.  That I will never allow fear to stand in my way...to be a substitute for me.

Fear will hold you back from saying or doing what you know is your truth.

Fear then takes over your life...standing in your place.  In order to really be you, you have to shove fear aside and do what you know is right for you.  Say what you need to say, even if fear shakes your legs and weakens your voice.  Rise above the fear...or at least wade through it.

The only thing that fear has no power over...is when you do what fear thinks is impossible.  Do the opposite of what fear says!

Isn't there a saying that we can only live one of two ways...in Fear or in Love.

It is to follow your inner truths and to live them...then fear fades away.

 

Feelings of Guilt

When you contemplate the Cause for guilt, it really is a weird idea...and even more so Sin.  Coming from a religion that was very sin based as well as having the antidote, I sit with the why of it all. 

What is its purpose or cause? 

Will making someone feel bad garnish good behavior?

Will constricting them with rules breed kindness and joy?

In A Course of Miracles...this phrase echoed my feelings. "Today's idea but states the simple truth that makes the thought of sin impossible.  It promises there is no cause for guilt, and being causeless it does not exist.  It follows surely from the basic thought so often mentioned in the text; ideas leave not their source.  If this is true, how can you be apart from God?"

Again, what is the cause for guilt?  What is its mission statement or what does it accomplish in the lives of the church members?

I know, that for the most part going up in a world of sin and being steeped in worthlessness, it seems that the idea of sin is to navigate around it and the application of the forgiveness (when you fall into 'sin') will restore you to wholeness, but for a brief moment in time.

What if there was no source or real cause for guilt?

What if there were no sin?

What then would happen to the buildings with steeples?

What would there be left to talk about.

No sin = no reason for the application of forgiveness that wipes the sins away.

What if instead we saw our lives or ourselves through the lens of nature...and to see our imperfections making us perfect coming from whence we came.

What if we could understand and see how the lives we lived and were raised in, made us into the beings we are....and when we know better, we do better.  What is there to be guilty then, about?

I just can't find a reason to feel guilty for being me.

For all I did was become who I was raised to be...

I am the complete and utter manifestation of living and surviving not only sexual abuse, but religious abuse.  The church had its hand in lowering and separating my essence and I.

It (church) decided for me, (and I agreed) how to live my life.  And, it was a mutual understanding, that I was worthless.  The churches idea of me, matched how I felt after abuse.

When I understood my innocence in being abused, I could then see the tragedy of what the churches mission was.  It was to fill us up with worthlessness for its power.

What again is the cause for guilt in the church? Why does it need folks to feel guilty?  What would happen if, we all came to my understanding..."the thought of sin is impossible...?"

Would religion exist without sin?

I see the world as human beings living out their childhoods, until they can unlearn and undo its damage.  I don't call that a sin.  I call it survival and doing the best you can with the tools you were given.

If we were to take 'sin' off the table, you would see people re-enacting their pain and using the definitions of love they saw modeled as children.  Sexual abuse leaves a mark...not on the body, but in the mind.  It messes with our definitions of what we call love.  

I don't see sin...I see folks looking for love.

When they can redefine what love is, they will seek a different love.

A definition of Sin...was missing the mark.  Is there a cause for guilt if you miss the mark? Or do you just have to reset your sights?

I love that there is no cause for guilt, and being causeless it does not exist.

Imagine a world without the feelings of guilt....

 

Bring Gifts to you...

Yesterday afternoon while mowing the grass, I was awestruck by the sheer wonder of our apple tree in full bloom. I marveled at its ability to just re-do this every year....faithfully.  It is simply incredible, that from grey barren branches such beauty explodes....Yearly.  Over and over again, it does what an apple tree does, without prompting or urging.  It hold nothing back and boldly expands to it highest state!

Today's lesson in A Course In Miracles, it said, "All things that live bring gifts to you and offer them in gratitude and gladness at your feet.  The scent of the flowers is their gift to you. The waves bow down before you, and the trees extend their arms to shield you from heat, and lay their leaves before you on the ground that you may walk in softness, while the wind sinks to a whisper round your holy head."

I feel this.

I am grateful for the bountiful amounts of wonder that all living things give.

Nature is quite remarkable, it just blooms, whether you notice or not.  It takes my breath away.  I am surrounded and lavished with it....all around our home...

"All things that live...bring gifts to you."

No Love lives there.

In an article in the Huffington Post, "Motherless by Choice" by Katie Naum....it appears that the child is making this decision.

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-naum/motherless-by-choice_b_5417281.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=1306580b=facebook) 

That we are taking the first step to be motherless.

What most people see first is our lack of having a relationship with our parents AND not what precipitated this event.

When society at large looks at it being a "Choice" I feel that they are creating the stigma that follows us.  Being estranged isn't something we do out of anger, but as a commenter to the article suggests, "we do so with deep sadness and for self-preservation."

Seeing that we have a choice to be motherless or not, suggest that we have a perfectly fine mother, but are choosing to toss her away.  It doesn't suggest that due to the lack of mothering skills, we have no mother.  We are not breaking the ties, for they were never wrapped around us in care and nurturing.

We need to start seeing these children as disconnected...instead of pretending there was a bond, a loving bond between parent and child.  The only bond that was held in place was that of fear.

All we truly are disconnecting from is fear and all its dressings.

Taking with us the knowledge that we leave no love behind.  Hence the deep sadness...and self preservation.

Katie Naum writes...

"There is no easy way to say, "I'm estranged from my mother." It's even harder to say, "I've cut my mother out of my life," clarifying that you are the one who has severed the bond. Say it to anyone, friend or stranger, and a certain light you hadn't even noticed fades from their eyes, every time. Smiles falter or grow forced. Mothers give so much to their children that a justification for estrangement must be staggering: some monstrous abuse that outweighs all the love and self-sacrifice inherent in parenting. Only someone selfish, heartless could cut off a mother who loved them -- right?"

How funny, we are labeled "selfish and heartless" for cutting ties with a mother.  Yet few would label my mother the same for what she allowed in her marriage with a pedophile.

It was not my choice to be motherless. It was my mother's choice NoT to Mother.

It was not my choice to be fatherless.  It was my father's choice to not be a father.

Until we re-frame the way we see things, the stigma (mark of disgrace) will be carried by the children.  It will never be the child's responsibility to make a good parent.

When I hear of someone being estranged from their parent, I immediately know their parents were unable to parent.  Parent in a way that sees the child and its needs.  

As a mother, when my denial was broken, and I brought in the whole scope of my dysfunctional childhood, I also owned I drove the car to my parents home, with my children. 

I then became estranged.  

But, I cut the ties of dysfunctional behavior...not love.

I backed away from all that was harmful for the child.

It is what a mother does.

A child knows when the parent can see them.

And a child knows when they can't.

Estrangement is often to put off for years. Children will withstand any number of injustices, waiting for the love to arrive.  What we endure....for love.

Estranged children have fully owned...no love lives there.