This morning I never even considered running, as I walked the 5K. It was exercise enough for me to walk the hilly ravines and continual uphills on the first part of the Fun Run/Walk.
A few hours later, I wished I could run.
I have only seen her in flesh a handful of times in the past 10 years, and each time my body immediately wants to put as much space as possible between her and I.
Thankfully, I spotted her...for we were on course to meet face to face. What is so interesting, to me is how quickly my body responds without first consulting with my head.
There is no part of me that wants to be anywhere near my mother.
While contemplating which quilt I would vote for, she came in to view. The quilt show disappeared and all that was left were two women in a gym....along with miles of differences...and a canyon filled with past truths, that she can't recognize.
I don't know her reasons for going to the Chassell Quilt show. Was it to see 'her daughter's work' as I thought I heard her say to the woman at the table? Or are quilts now her new interests?
In ten years and all the space, the emotions and feelings still respond the same when she is around. Running comes to mind....to flee in another direction. Which I did.
Part of me feels reduced to a child again in her presence. A scared child.
It leaves me feeling a coward and empowered.
A coward for not facing her. Although, I know it would only end badly...for neither of us are willing to leap off our beliefs and stances about the past. It for sure isn't something to be done in public at a quilt show. And, deep within me I know any words I say will fall far short of their mark. Her perceptions would deflect my truth.
And, part of me feels strong for leaving...for not pretending, but following my true feelings.
Also for not attacking her. For not 'having my say' but to leave her in peace at the quilt show. I choose not to engage on any level. To be 'friendly' or like a long lost friend, which is impossible.
In fact I knew it was like seeing an old tormentor or enemy...an abuser. The PTSD response echoed my thoughts.
What I know, is that in the life of a victim of incest, is that the landmines that can plop into any normal day...without warning. It is, what always keeps us on edge or surprise us into being battle ready in a heart beat.
Life isn't that easy to manage once you have set clear and concise boundaries...for they can and will be breached at any time.
It is then up to you to choose your response.
The response is what will define if you are either 'friendly' with abusers or not.
If you will betray your body and make nice.
Or.... will you stay the course of estrangement from abuse.
I do not believe she saw me turn and walk away.
The residual affect of this 'almost meeting' is to shake it off. To capture back the normal day from its clutches. To find the balance and rhythm of the day...to leave it as one negative, in a pile of positives.
How lucky am I to have very few encounters of uncomfortableness. That within my life and my relationships I have such peace, love and joy.
I don't do well any more with dis-ease, unease, nor am I willing to put my feelings aside to make nice.
These near miss encounters, while unsettling, leave me stronger in their wake.
And, I believe this time I turned with more grace and resolve as I controlled my life.
The hurried exit suited me.
Being able to freely make a choice to alter my course is what being empowered is about.
I love that I can make choices that bring me peace.
It came to me, how much easier it is to walk a 5K, than it is to turn and walk away from your mother.
Perhaps what I resent the most, when our paths cross, is that I have to once again turn and walk away.
The abusers never regard how their presence makes others feel.
Just as their actions in the past held no regard for others, it is still the same today.
If she had her way, her life would remain unchanged. I would not have changed. I would have continued to treat her as a mom...and not as someone who knew of the abuse and did nothing.
I turn from her, because she turned her back on me. The mental feelings that I get, is that I am wrong to turn away today. That I am being unkind and cruel to a mother.
Yet, it can be no other way.
I may have turned away from her, but in doing so I turned to be with me.
I honored me, my truth, and my feelings.
The greatest walk I took today was to turn away, and walk with me...when I faced my mother.
