IMPERFECT Lady

Hold my emotions...

I wonder if it is possible, we eat for feelings.  To feel good etc. It is like we are controlling our feelings by doing something.  Instead of letting our feelings organically come forth; is it possible the control we seek, we find in creating 'good' feelings so as to not feel the other ones.

I sat with myself many times today, aware of what my mind or belly or something wanted.  I wondered at not so much the taste or the fact my belly wasn't hungry, but what I was searching for.

I am thinking it I have eated to feel good emotions.

I thought at first it was about the taste, but as you know, while eating something good, you only really taste the first few bites, the rest you just eat to finish.

So, I started by tasting the cookie in small bites and then noticing how I felt before AND the surprising lack of gooder I felt after.

I am bringing my awareness to what I am expecting food to do for my emotions.

I bet this is what is meant by emotional eating...we eat to feel good emotions.

But, is that possible?

At first I thought, eating was about tastes...and it is...in that IF it tastes good...it will transfer good feelings or emotions inside.

There seems to be a very odd fantasy about the magical powers I have given food.

I am continuing to eat as I normally do, but watching how my feelings are while eating.  

Aware I believe I can separate my emotional body from the food and then will food just be fuel? Is it possible that what I am actually craving from food are feelings I can get in other places, perhaps non-caloric ones?

It seems more true that I have placed "good" feelings in food.  It isn't that I am covering up 'bad' ones....when I eat, but I have gotten in the habit of going to food for my happy emotions.

I know I get them elsewhere too, but there is a wire wired incorrectly that has me eating to feel good.

And, the reason I have been holding closely to the sweet treats, is that I am believing it is my happiness pipeline.

I will try and see if I can find other ways besides food to fill up on happiness.

Or at the very least release food to be food.

My guts believe food fuels my happy button. I know that my emotions and food are mixed up.  To look at the combination of flour, sugar and butter and believe that happiness resides there...instead of inside of me.

My emotions have leaked out again...or so my mind would have me believe.

Heaven is in a sweet treat.

When the feelings are inside of me.

It is impossible for food to hold my emotions.

One Choice at a time.

I have been watching myself with choices and how I my intentions and actions don't match and how I seem to be uninvolved or disinterested in long term goals for short time enjoyment or should I say the easy way out.  There appears to be a disconnect between me, myself and my body.

When I was doing personal inventory and living from the inside out for my inner well being, I would have two distinct voices talking to me...both on opposite ends of the choices at hand.  

I allowed myself to be led by a new inner voice that started out weak and unsure...but there seemed a infinite power source behind it.

My new choices led to a new inner wellness.

What is shocking to me, is that I have the same two voices or choices in my body's wellness.  

And, I am also aware that in the very early stages where two choices appear, IT is the time to pick a new choice.  But, most often or almost always...I let myself succumb to the easy used road.  Like I don't want to 'fight' my way into a new lifestyle.

Whereas the inner world, I had, what seemed an unlimited resource of fortitude to stand my ground.  It was like the very life of my soul depended upon it.

And perhaps it did.

But, with my physical body, I am lax.

I will find a multiple of choices, some true and some not so true as to why NOT yoga today.

And, it is easier to eat like I always have eaten, than to try and come up with new and resourceful ways to refine and redesign my eating habits.

What is also very strange is how I am willing to feel less than my best by making poor choices.

While re-doing my insides I would not accept feelings that insulted my truth.

And yet I can't seem to find this same unwavering stance for my body's health.

I wrote this last night....and this morning I did yoga.

It was going against if you will my usual mind chatter of excuses and the 'feeling' of being 'too tired' after sleeping 8 hours.

What came to me in yoga is that I don't have the same value on my body as I do on my soul.  I didn't see it as a magnificent vehicle that is fueled by breath and under the direction of the Universe.  

It is the instrument that the soul uses to experience life.

And yet, I have overlooked and been disinterested in it, unless I was judging it harshly for its size and weakness...while doing very little to help it.

I would do yoga, but only after my body protested in pain.

I failed to keep ahead of discomfort.

Which is what my choices inward did.  I made the tough choices to grant me peace...to live a life of peace, love and joy.

I can see I will have to use the same strategy for my body's wellness.

To overcome the nagging voice of lazy...or the easy way out.... and the road of least resistance.

I had read, that we exercise NoT for how it feels while we are doing it, but for how we move and feel the rest of the day.  I know this is right.

If I do yoga, I am giving my body what it needs to help me move all day...without pain or stress and struggle.

The relationship I have with my body is similar in how I neglected my soul.

I can change it one choice at a time.

 

 

 

Enabler of low self-esteem

Even though I experienced it, I wasn't able to see it.  It isn't until you see it in others that you sometimes get a clearer view.  I saw it in my art and of myself.  But, what I had not truly gotten, was how abuse is an energy stealer...how self worth and value are reduced to zero.

What happens is that when someone can reduce your worth, we then are left with the belief, that it will also take someone to increase our worth. 

Our self worth isn't an inside job, but it relies upon others to raise or lower us.

Like our gauge exists outside of us.

In believing this, we live a co-dependent life.

What I also have seen recently, is how someone with no self value can suck good energy from another.  

I somehow believed that those with high value held the upper hand.  

A person who is unable to feel good and confident and live a life under their own power, will capture and entice the powerful to be their shield.  And, when this happens, the shield leaves their life and lives for the other person.  Believing, even subconsciously that this is a good thing.

Not realizing that while they are using their life to 'help' another, they are actually keeping two lives on pause.

In a dysfunctional relationship, it is believed that 'the other person' carries their self worth.  It takes two people to feel your worth. It is impossible to see yourself without their eyes and attention. This alone screams co-dependency.

What I have discovered is that I alone carry my self worth.  My value is what I give me.  

All the choices I make or do not make will add or subtract to my own value.

I no longer will allow another to feed off of me for their value.  For, I know this is a temporary fix, and an actual wall that prevents the other person from feeling their own power.

I no longer am interested in relationships that are conjoined. 

When I discovered my own power, it allowed me to let others find theirs.  I am not willing to stand between them and their own sense of self.  What matters most in life is how you feel about you.

Imagine a world with humanity filled with self worth.

It is my belief, that those of us with a higher sense of self worth, show others how to do this.  How we must refuse to be their 'higher power'. 

Instead we can encourage them to stand alone.

To try new things.

To ask for space in co-dependent relationships.

To honor their truths.

To reach new heights and experience new things.

Be the role model...by freely being you.

Standing alone, detached with a healthy sense of self...and your worth.

I had fallen into a pattern, that I needed others to need me.  Feeling that this made me worthy, the more I was needed.  Instead it kept me out of my own life....and I was an enabler of low self-esteem.

 

 

Lady who drives the Jeep.

This is the jeep as it arrived from Tennessee.

My husband immediately began to gather "Protection" for the jeep.  What I Love about him, is that he not only fixes broken things, but protects the new.

It now has these great Cat Mud Flaps, chip protection coating under the doors and running boards that will help stop the rocks from chipping up the sides as I travel my mail route.  

I will feel better now knowing that it is protected. I did buy it for the rugged route I drive every day.  And, now it will feel less of the impact of the gravel.

I do have this neat wheel cover, and the strobe lights are in the works.  

As I thought about the jeeps needs and my husband's attention to detail, it came to me we do or don't do the same with our bodies and lives.

What do we do for protection?  Or what do we do to make the day deliver the least amount of damage to our bodies.

I had read on Facebook, that doing exercise isn't about feeling good while doing it, although some can, but more about how you move the rest of the day.

I have done extensive interior work on my body. It is now my intention to practice look at ways I can protect my physical body.

The repetitive nature of my job...means I have to counter act in ways to relieve the pressure.

I eat and move in ways to lessen the impact of my job.  

My husband says, "If you take care of your car, your car will take care of you."

I am so grateful to have him see to the needs of my mail vehicle and to do it with patience, and with his eye on detail. 

It is up to me to take care of the Lady who drives the Jeep!

 

Who we are.

 

What a difference in understanding this woman displays...

It is incredible in showing how each of us is responsible for our pain and how the pain itself, in the body, is there to show us what we are believing.  And to question our thoughts with "Is it true?"

Thanks Carl for sharing this with me.

It affirms me.

Our children are so brave to bring us the truth...if we have the space open to receive it, they will show us who we are.  

 

 

He is a hero to me.

I watched a few segments of Oprah interviewing Matthew Sandusky as he spoke up about his experiences being abused by his adopted father; a coach and seemingly unlikely abuser.

What struck me is how the public character often is the toughest enemy when it comes to children being believed....even adult children.  Had there only been one child to speak up against this Penn State coach, I am not sure there would have been a conviction.

For it requires enough evidence to out weigh the life that is lived in the light of day.  

Somehow this seems to be held on the scales as 'evidence' to the contrary of his capabilities to abuse.  Most will fail to recognize how it dove tailed nicely and played perfectly to be the perfect role to be an abuser.  It didn't make it harder, but easier.

The manipulation and the selection of boys isn't done half-assed. It is carefully orchestrated and played out.  It is a huge part of the dance for the pedophile....child friendship.

If only folks would recognize that it matters NOT what the abuser does...what office he holds, what religion he is, what sport he plays...for more often than not, it is the gate way to gaining access to those he will abuse.

I am encouraged by more and more cases being exposed and others standing up and speaking out about their abuse and their abusers.  It opens the pathway to make it more believable....or at the very least, not so shameful.

I see Matthew Sandusky as he said...no longer being a coward.

I had to look up the definition of "Coward".

"a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things."

Isn't it funny, but we intuitively know, we will have to endure danger or unpleasantness IF we speak up.

He said how family always stood together 'against them', whomever that was...Family stands by family, no matter what.

And, his unwillingness to do so, set him apart from family.

I understand this best.

He is a hero to me.

(You can watch episodes on OWN Network, online....oprah.com)

Land of happy souls...

What if our mental wellness is our spiritual barometer?  What if it is our awareness of our spirit; our inner sense of self...the essence that has lived with us...changeless?  What if what we call mental is actually a spiritual crisis?  How then would we treat mental illness? What if the signs of mental illness is more attached to our lack of standing with our soul?  How important do you think it is to be aligned with the truth...and how does it affect our spirits when we are not?

To me...it makes sense to have confusion manifest and grow the further from our truth we live and act.  It even makes more sense that those who rise against the falsehoods are labeled mentally ill.

For they refuse to capitulate and conform to things that dishonor what they know to be true...or insult their souls.

Mostly, the 'mentally ill' are the most truthful and the less afraid of what others think. They seem to live by their own standards...governed from within.

I wonder what would happen to our Mental Health Centers IF they became Spiritual Crisis Centers? 

Mental health or the lack thereof has a stigma attached and yet most of humanity is living a life that excludes the spirit.

I am not talking about the spirit that religion speaks of.

I am talking about the essence of who you are. What brings you immense happiness and joy and what passions drive you.  I am talking about the sense of self you have carried along often denying out of fear of disappointing someone. 

I am talking about the imprint you were born with...the special gift you have to bring to this world.  The special nature and energy that is uniquely you.

How many of us have lived our lives far removed from this creative energy call spirit? How many of us spend very little time knowing who we are minus the labels and jobs and roles we do?

I would love to see the quantum leap from mental illness to spiritual crisis...to see a movement of souls rising.  Disowning everything that insults or threatens the freedom to be.

Imagine a land of happy souls!

 

Free to be you!

What is mental health?

What's healthy for our mental systems...and what is consider the mental part of us?  Is it the thoughts in our head, the choices we make, our beliefs....the way we perceive the world or the way we use our minds to navigate life?  What would our psychological wellness consist of?  How much do our emotions play a part?  And, is there a scale that measures how much we honor our emotions and feelings?  Is it possible, that what we have perceived as normal is actually abnormal or at best unhealthy mental health?

Do we call "Mental" anyone who doesn't fit into the 'normal' pattern set forth by society, church and family?

I feel I was born into a mental system and raised to adhere to its rules.  It doesn't mean this system is the gold standard for mental wellness.  It just means that my parent's mental grip on reality grew into mine.

And, the way they dealt with their emotions in relationships and how they themselves honored their own psychological body, became normal for me.  They modeled for me how to respond to life and others...how to treat each other and those around them.  I was imprinted mentally by my parents.

Knowing this, leaves a parent breathless.

Knowing that how you deal with your own emotions and feelings, how you live either with your feelings or against them, WILL be the track our children will follow.

When I discovered, what I thought was normal was way off the mark, I had to adjust myself.  I didn't wait for my parents to change so I could be right.  I had to set out on my own and find my own truth.  I had to find my inner compass.  I had to explore and feel and deal with emotions and feelings and psychological wounds.  

It was to go into a mental landscape denial and sexual and emotional abuse...and to separate and respond and make choices...again.  Aware.

Aware not so much as to who they were, but more, who I was.

What did I feel?

What were my emotions saying?

I had to learn to follow my own emotions...and separate myself from how others felt.

Prior, my "mental wellness" was to be the peace maker.  I didn't feel right unless and until those in my presence were happy.

It was to live one step removed from my mental state.  My mental state was regulated by how others acted, but I, myself was never consulted.  I never went inside to decide what I should or should not do. 

I was not in touch with my feelings or emotions NOR would I have ever let them take first place in a choice against an outside party.  

My vote didn't count, nor was it ever sought out...

For 46 years I completely lived from the outside.

How I see mental wellness now.  Is to be connected to your own inner body.  To be able to feel emotions and to respond in kind.  To put first the integrity and honor of your body's emotional and psychological systems. Regardless of its impact on those around you.  

To me, if you are not honest with yourself and with your own emotions, you will not be able to have a relationship with others that will give freedom for them to be 100% themselves.

Mental wellness is to be free to be you!

 

 

 

 

Move Intuitively.

My tea bag read, "Our intuition comes from innocence".  

The near miss with my mother followed me around yesterday, lingering like a shadow I couldn't seem to shake.  Feeling visited by a ghost.

What came to me is that she enters places playing the role of innocent.  That the application of "Forgiveness of Sins" has removed all past behaviors, that she is indeed whiter than snow and a restored mother.

As she carries herself boldly innocent...it makes my actions seem insane. How dare I 'act' like her sins are still present?  

I am again uncertain I can articulate the juxtaposition it places on reality.

For those who believe she has been restored to loving mother, my actions are completely and wildly insane.  The actions of a madwoman.

What also came to me while mowing yesterday is how us 'mad people' are made insane when we don't treat folks with the heavy glove of pretend.

When we don't go along to get along, we are then the insane.  NOT, the folks who refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

I am insane for walking away from an innocent woman.

My refusal to pretend, all is well with thee... has labeled me Mental.

It is my humble opinion, that most of who we call mental, are folks who can't live in the land of pretend.  Our bodies, minds and souls feel better being with the truth...it is like our pretend button is broke.

We, as a society, have become more comfortable with the untruth, than with reality. 

Being authentic is rare...and most often too uncomfortable to be around.

We have built relationships and family legacies around pretending folks to be something they are not.

And, those of us who fail to live in pretend, are relegated to insanity.

I had to go and look up the word "Pretend".

"Speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."

This is what I can no longer do.

I can't act or speak as if nothing happened.  As if the fact isn't the fact...

And, this is how I view them all behaving...speaking and acting to make the family a family, and not a dysfunctional sea of abuse.

I guess what I feel mostly, with these strange encounters with my mother, is not even so much my honest response, but the feelings I get from the subconscious society; that the insanity claim is mine, not theirs.

How is it possible that I am a minority that moves truthfully?

How is it that we see and feel that the majority that participates in pretense is more mentally well?

While I may speak out about abuse, it seems the problem isn't about whether there was abuse or not, but rather how we then live with this fact.

Do we pretend so we can disguise the fact....or fully accept the facts as they are?

And, who is more mental?

The innocent move intuitively.

 

 

Faced my mother...

This morning I never even considered running, as I walked the 5K.  It was exercise enough for me to walk the hilly ravines and continual uphills on the first part of the Fun Run/Walk.  

A few hours later, I wished I could run.

I have only seen her in flesh a handful of times in the past 10 years, and each time my body immediately wants to put as much space as possible between her and I.

Thankfully, I spotted her...for we were on course to meet face to face.  What is so interesting, to me is how quickly my body responds without first consulting with my head.

There is no part of me that wants to be anywhere near my mother.

While contemplating which quilt I would vote for, she came in to view.  The quilt show disappeared and all that was left were two women in a gym....along with miles of differences...and a canyon filled with past truths, that she can't recognize.

I don't know her reasons for going to the Chassell Quilt show.  Was it to see 'her daughter's work' as I thought I heard her say to the woman at the table?  Or are quilts now her new interests?  

In ten years and all the space, the emotions and feelings still respond the same when she is around.  Running comes to mind....to flee in another direction. Which I did.

Part of me feels reduced to a child again in her presence. A scared child.  

It leaves me feeling a coward and empowered.  

A coward for not facing her.  Although, I know it would only end badly...for neither of us are willing to leap off our beliefs and stances about the past.  It for sure isn't something to be done in public at a quilt show.  And, deep within me I know any words I say will fall far short of their mark.  Her perceptions would deflect my truth.

And, part of me feels strong for leaving...for not pretending, but following my true feelings.

Also for not attacking her.  For not 'having my say' but to leave her in peace at the quilt show.  I choose not to engage on any level. To be 'friendly' or like a long lost friend, which is impossible. 

In fact I knew it was like seeing an old tormentor or enemy...an abuser.  The PTSD response echoed my thoughts.

What I know, is that in the life of a victim of incest, is that the landmines that can plop into any normal day...without warning.  It is, what always keeps us on edge or surprise us into being battle ready in a heart beat.

Life isn't that easy to manage once you have set clear and concise boundaries...for they can and will be breached at any time. 

It is then up to you to choose your response.

The response is what will define if you are either 'friendly' with abusers or not.

If you will betray your body and make nice.

Or.... will you stay the course of estrangement from abuse.

I do not believe she saw me turn and walk away.

The residual affect of this 'almost meeting' is to shake it off.  To capture back the normal day from its clutches.  To find the balance and rhythm of the day...to leave it as one negative, in a pile of positives.  

How lucky am I to have very few encounters of uncomfortableness. That within my life and my relationships I have such peace, love and joy.  

I don't do well any more with dis-ease, unease, nor am I willing to put my feelings aside to make nice.

These near miss encounters, while unsettling, leave me stronger in their wake.

And, I believe this time I turned with more grace and resolve as I controlled my life.

The hurried exit suited me.

Being able to freely make a choice to alter my course is what being empowered is about.

I love that I can make choices that bring me peace.  

It came to me, how much easier it is to walk a 5K, than it is to turn and walk away from your mother.

Perhaps what I resent the most, when our paths cross, is that I have to once again turn and walk away.  

The abusers never regard how their presence makes others feel. 

Just as their actions in the past held no regard for others, it is still the same today.

If she had her way, her life would remain unchanged.  I would not have changed.  I would have continued to treat her as a mom...and not as someone who knew of the abuse and did nothing.  

I turn from her, because she turned her back on me.  The mental feelings that I get, is that I am wrong to turn away today. That I am being unkind and cruel to a mother.

Yet, it can be no other way.  

I may have turned away from her, but in doing so I turned to be with me.

I honored me, my truth, and my feelings.

The greatest walk I took today was to turn away, and walk with me...when I faced my mother.