My tea bag read, "Our intuition comes from innocence".
The near miss with my mother followed me around yesterday, lingering like a shadow I couldn't seem to shake. Feeling visited by a ghost.
What came to me is that she enters places playing the role of innocent. That the application of "Forgiveness of Sins" has removed all past behaviors, that she is indeed whiter than snow and a restored mother.
As she carries herself boldly innocent...it makes my actions seem insane. How dare I 'act' like her sins are still present?
I am again uncertain I can articulate the juxtaposition it places on reality.
For those who believe she has been restored to loving mother, my actions are completely and wildly insane. The actions of a madwoman.
What also came to me while mowing yesterday is how us 'mad people' are made insane when we don't treat folks with the heavy glove of pretend.
When we don't go along to get along, we are then the insane. NOT, the folks who refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
I am insane for walking away from an innocent woman.
My refusal to pretend, all is well with thee... has labeled me Mental.
It is my humble opinion, that most of who we call mental, are folks who can't live in the land of pretend. Our bodies, minds and souls feel better being with the truth...it is like our pretend button is broke.
We, as a society, have become more comfortable with the untruth, than with reality.
Being authentic is rare...and most often too uncomfortable to be around.
We have built relationships and family legacies around pretending folks to be something they are not.
And, those of us who fail to live in pretend, are relegated to insanity.
I had to go and look up the word "Pretend".
"Speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not."
This is what I can no longer do.
I can't act or speak as if nothing happened. As if the fact isn't the fact...
And, this is how I view them all behaving...speaking and acting to make the family a family, and not a dysfunctional sea of abuse.
I guess what I feel mostly, with these strange encounters with my mother, is not even so much my honest response, but the feelings I get from the subconscious society; that the insanity claim is mine, not theirs.
How is it possible that I am a minority that moves truthfully?
How is it that we see and feel that the majority that participates in pretense is more mentally well?
While I may speak out about abuse, it seems the problem isn't about whether there was abuse or not, but rather how we then live with this fact.
Do we pretend so we can disguise the fact....or fully accept the facts as they are?
And, who is more mental?
The innocent move intuitively.
