I discovered something very intriguing today, about myself...and I am not sure I will be able to unravel it or recreate it with writing my experience of me, and how I am able to fool a part of me and hide other parts...while living as me.
It is wildly intriguing how the mind works to help you survive even surviving the survival of abuse.
While the mind played tricks to allow me to survive abuse in my childhood...it once again set in play another game I was hoodwinked into.
In the past few days, my estrangement seemed more permanent than ever.
It wasn't that I was more resolute, but rather events would happen and my inner psyche would not be rattled, but rather I felt more in balance than before. Like I was getting comfortable with my estrangement.
As I wrote about being estranged and in the early years... how I would tell myself that "For Now" I would do such and such...that it wasn't permanent, but just for now. I was leaving room, or a door open.
"For Now" allowed me to not say forever...to not think forever...and to not feel forever.
It was a place for me to stand...that was like a trial basis for my new decisions.
It appeared to give me a way to change my mind. It wasn't a closed room, but rather a hallway in which I could go both ways.
I had thought this land of "For Now" was being kind to my family.
That I wasn't setting up boundaries of forever...and I wasn't closing the doors tight, severing all recourse.
But, you know what?
It wasn't for them.
It was for me.
I needed this space or reassurance that I could change my mind at any time.
I thought, "For Now" was for them...that at some point in the future, they would change and be like me.
Instead today, I understood that "For Now" was for me... so as not to be frightened of the drastic life altering changes I was making...it gave me the false sense of there being a way back to the old me...later.
I am quite sure I would not have been able to make the choices I was making, knowing it was forever.
Knowing that I was changing my life and it was non-reversable.
There was never going to be a way back.
My old life was over...finished.
The doorway removed.
The hallway was one way...forward.
Estrangement was permanent.
I was to live the rest of my life separated from my family.
This wasn't a trial run at being a new me.
This was the real deal.
It was a done deal.
It was over.
There is no going back.
The bridge is gone.
My nature of being a chameleon, was to change into whatever was needed in this moment.
I could not have survived, knowing my chameleon skills were lost forever. That the survivor self I used to survive abuse was being killed. And that this new unchanging me for your comfort was all I would get left with. Estrangement Me was permanent.
There will be no reunion with the old me.
Even though I said good-bye to the survival me, a part of me relied on "For Now" it was a training wheel of sorts, that I used while I was getting used to the new me.
Part of me now is still in awe that the road back is blown away.
Just an empty blank void...
There is a part of me that is excited, there isn't a road there...or a choice to yet be made. That this is final...this is me.
That I will not have to leak even a bit of me in the hope "For Now".
I can pour all of me into me.
I can be me.
I don't have to change and change again. Never knowing who I am and what I will have to be.
I am not this Me for now....I am me forever.
