It seems to me we are lacking the venacular for those of us who are estranged from families due to abuse. We lack new words that carry the correct meanings. We are left with old words that no longer match our experience.
When we hear a person say "My Ex" we know that the relationship is broken. And while we may not get the inside story, we all are aware and no longer expect interactions that symbolize love and family...and we are okay with it. It makes sense that you and your Ex are not together.
For those of us estranged, we have no words that symbolize it is over.
We are left with father or pedophile or his first name, but not my Ex-Father or my Ex-mother etc.
Having these words and having them BE acceptable to society, would change the stigma of estrangement from family.
Somehow, this breakup isn't recognized or normalized...and yet there are many of us who have separated from our families due to abuse.
When a wife leaves an abusive husband, it makes sense for her to legally divorce the person who inflicts pain. To no longer desire to be in their presence.
As an estranged member of my family, I lack the venacular that rightly depicts my relationship....except to say "estranged".
I guess we could put the word 'estranged' in front of mother and father...but can we ever be anulled from our parents?
Is it possible to make 'void or null' our parents?
Can you "declare them invalid"?
I looked up "invalid"...."To remove from active service" or "Something no longer current or useful."
It almost appears or feels that these definition have been hung on me. That I have carried within me the lack of use; that I am an invalid daughter/sister.
I believe that most children who have to leave their families don't walk away feeling valid.
Okay, I had to look up "Valid"
"(of an argument or point) having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent."
I don't know the word "cogent". "(of an argument or case) clear, logical, and convincing.
Here is what I am feeling now.
Due to the fact that our 'arguments' are not seen as reasonable or clear or logical with a sound basis, we are declared "Invalid".
I feel this to my bones.
My truth was invalid.
My experiences, invalid.
So, it is like I was declared annulled by the virtue of NOT being seen as reasonable.
I have felt divorced by the family since finding out my father is a pedophile. It wasn't his unreasonable actions that divorced him from the family; but my 'unreasonableness' in keeping him as my dad...that divorced them from me.
It is to be divorced, but without there being grounds for it. Or perhaps reasonable grounds.
This is all very intriguing to me, how the tables were turned and I made to feel invalid; when in fact the family lost it validity.
In order to keep the family as family was, someone had to be declared unreasonable....or 'removed from active service'.
It was I.
We tend to carry the blame of the estrangement...the one who walked away.
But we fail to consider why.
I, and my truth, was invalid as far as my family was/is concerned.
It never felt like it was a declaration that started with me, that I decided to be invalid.
It has always felt like my words had nowhere to go.
That their meanings and validity were not seen or held in high esteem.
Is there a language that an incest victim can use to be heard?
What venacular does it take to topple down a family that is build solidly upon dysfunction...where their lack of seeing me as the one with a valid reason to separate from a pedophile...declares them dysfunctional.
And, just because they see my truths as null and void, does it make them so?
Perhaps the reason I haven't found the correct words for my actions, is because they are not my actions.
All I have ever done is stand by my truths, my experiences and how I feel inside.
What I have also known from early on in 2004, was that the only choice I have ever had is to be with my truth or declare it invalid.
It has not been an easy road for all the while my truths have been seen as invalid.
That I am standing up for something that they see as unreasonable, unlogical etc.
To be valid only to yourself is tough.
It is you against the world...or perhaps only those you call family.
I know this to my bones. Most victims of sexual abuse within families....either have to declare their truth 'invalid' or become invalid themselves.
Who wants to knowingly become nul and void to their families?
This is the prize for speaking up about your abuse.
And, we as a society wonder why abuse continues on generation upon generation.
Which one of you would willingly cut off all ties with family in order to walk your truth? To speak up only to become invalid.
