IMPERFECT Lady

Write Your Fears!

Today a cancer survivor emailed me asking me if I would be interested in  http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/lungleavinday"   Her names is Heather Von St. James.  You can read more about her story at http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/#.VMfJgGR4qFI

What she has done annually on the First Saturday in February is to write her fears on a plate (glass, ceramic...breakable) and then tosses it into a fire.  Although the real Lung Leavin Day will be celebrated on February 2nd.  It can be done this week, let's say. Or write it on the 2nd and break it on Saturday.

I like this idea.  She said it has been quite therapeutic!

It is something I would love the ladies of WIND to do and anyone else who cares to join Heather.  

I have a different ending to the broken plates and perhaps NOT break them in a fire, but break them. Then, in the near future, remake them into mosaics of Garden Stepping Stones or on a flower pot.

Transforming our fears into where "something grows".

We all know that our fears steal our days or nights and can freeze us into not living life; but dreading it.

Fear doesn't have to be a blockage but it can be a stepping stone into the unknown.

It can be just a voice from the peanut gallery and what it 'believes' can/could/might happen.

We can end our fears by writing them and facing them and being challenged by them.

So, between now and February 2nd, start compiling your fears.

Gather them together.

Listen for the ones who scream the loudest and steal your peace.

And, Write them down.

Some of us will need a big plate or small handwriting.

Others....may write fears we used to have as a reminder of what we have overcome.

My plate will be the later.

I have had volumes of fears which can be boiled down into a few main categories.

Find a plate and begin to write your fears!  

(We can then post our plates on WIND's Facebook page. And then the ones where we took the broken fears and created something beautiful!) Thanks Heather for getting in touch!)

 

 

 

Out of Reality

David Hawkins writes about “Guilt”...in his book, “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender.

 

“Ninety-nine percent of guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. In fact, the most pious, meek, and harmless individuals are often riddled with guilt. Guilt is really self-condemnation and self-invalidation of our worth and value as a human being.”

 “Guilt is as prevalent as fear, and we feel guilty no matter what we are doing. A part of our mind says that we really ought to be doing something else. Or, whatever we are actually doing at the moment, we out to be doing “better.” We “should” be reading a book instead of watching TV. We “should” make love better. Cook better. Run faster. Grow taller. Be stronger. Be smarter. Be more educated. In between the fear of living and the fear of dying is the guilt of the moment. We seek to escape it by remaining unaware of it through suppression, repression, projecting it onto others, and escapism.”

 “Remaining unconscious of guilt (repression), however, does not solve it. The guilt re-emerges in the form of self punishment and through accidents, misfortune, loss of jobs and relationships, physical disease and sickness, tiredness, exhaustion, and the multiple ways the ingenious mind figures out how to bring about loss of pleasure, joy and aliveness.”

 “Guilt represents death just as love represents life. Guilt is part of the smaller self and underlies our willingness to believe negative things about ourselves.

"The happiness and joy of the day is instantly destroyed by one negative remark from a family member, friend or neighbor. Physical disease is unlikely to exist without guilt, and guilt is a denial of our inner intrinsic innocence.”

 “Why do we buy into so much garbage? Is it not because of our very innocence? Is it not because as we grew up, we trusted that what others were telling us was the truth? And even currently, do we still trust what others are telling us is the truth? Is it not so that we have bought into ten thousand lies and are willing to buy another ten thousand out of the naivete of our inner innocence? Is not that inner innocence the very reason for our exploitability? In fact, when we look deep within ourselves, is it not because of our very innocence that we believe ourselves to be guilty?”

“It is because of our inner innocence that we have bought into all the negativity of the world and allowed it to kill our aliveness, destroy our awareness of who we really are, and sell us the pathetic little smallness for which we have settled. Is not ours the innocence of the newborn that cannot defend itself, and with no capacity for discernment, could only allow itself to be programmed, like a computer.”

 “To see this means to become conscious. We hear of consciousness-rising programs and weekend seminars to expand our consciousness. What does this mean? To get new complicated formulas? To get programmed with somebody else's idea of mystical truth?”

 “Most of the consciousness programs boil down to this essential point: become aware of what we are buying into, what we are accepting daily. Let's look at what we have already been programmed with and begin to question it, dissassemble it, and let it go. Let's wake up and free ourselves from being exploited and enslaved by the negative programming of the world. We will see it for what it is, which is an attempt by others to control us exploit us; extract our money, our services, our energy, our loyalties; and capture our mind. The mechanisms whereby this comes about were so beautifully exemplified in the movie, Tron, in which the very function of “master control” was to enslave by progressive programming.”

 “When we see the truth of how programming happens, we will see that we are the pure, blank computer. We are the innocent space in which the programming is occurring. When we look at all of this we are going to get angry. Anger is better than resignation, apathy, depression, and grief! It means to take charge of our mind instead of handing it to the television set, the newspaper, the magazines, the neighbors, the conversations in the subway, the chance remarks of the waitress, the garbage in and the garbage out. What went into our memory banks was garbage, and when we see this, we will have much less fear. We will enjoy starting to let the feelings come up, seeing them for what they are, clearing out all the garbage, and letting it go.”

 “Once we have looked deep within ourselves and found that innate inner innocence, we will stop hating ourselves. We will stop condemning ourselves and stop buying into the condemnation of others and their subtle attempts to invalidate our worth as human beings. It's time to re-own our power and stop giving it away to every passing scammer who jiggles our fears and shakes loose some money out of our pocketbook or enslaves us to their cause, living off of our energy. It's easy to get away from all that fear because we have the power of choice now.”

“We fear that the inner voyage of discovery will lead us to some dreadful, awful truth. In its programming of our minds, this is one of the barriers that the world has set up to prevent us from finding out the real truth. There is one thing the world does not want us to find out and that is the truth about ourselves. Why? Because then we will become free. We can no longer be controlled, manipulated, exploited, drained, enslaved, imprisoned, vilified, or disempowered. Therefore, the inner voyage of discovery is cloaked over with an aura of mystery and foreboding.”

 “What is the real truth about this voyage? The real truth is that, as we go within and discard one illusion after another, one falsehood after another, one negative program after another, it gets lighter and lighter. The awareness of the presence of love becomes stronger and stronger. We will feel lighter and lighter. Life becomes progressively more effortless.”

 “Every great teacher since the beginning of time has said to look within and find the truth, for the truth of what we really are will set us free. If what is to be found within ourselves were something to feel guilty about, something that is rotten, evil, and negative, then all the world's greatest teachers would not advise us to look there. On the contrary, they would tell us to avoid it at all costs. We will discover that all the things the world calls “evil” are right on the surface; they are right on the top, as the superficial, outer thin layer. Beneath these errors is mistakenness. We are not rotten – only ignorant.” David Hawkins

 

What I found so very interesting is that it is our ignorance or innocence that IS what Believes in what the mind is saying. For a person who doesn't believe what the mind is saying... is no longer innocent to the ways of the mind/world.  A Non-believer if you will.  

 We are only guilty if we are innocent enough to believe it. Once we are wise to the ways of the world it can no longer capture our minds into believing what it says. We are no longer innocent.  We are no longer Believaheads!

 If people only knew that guilt can only settle in, if you have no other story about yourself. You buy it because you know not who you are.  Only the innocence can be guilty.

In order to lose the guilt; you have to de-bug the program that sold you the definition you have about yourself.

What are they saying and is it your truth?

“Ninety-nine percent of guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. 

I knew guilt was something they sold to you....what I didn't know, is that you only could accept it IF and when you were innocent.  Children who don't know who they are...are easily swayed out of reality.

 

 

Cover Up the Predator.

A very insightful article about family when it comes to one of their own being accused of sexual abuse.  In my experience what she writes is not uncommon.

 

http://www.alternet.org/gender/i-understand-why-people-believe-sexual-predators-rather-victims-i-did

Not only is not uncommon, but it makes it extremely hard when the victim and the predator belong to the same family.  

We can see the insanity in other families, but rarely will family see the predators at their own family reunions, dinner tables and family picnics.  

When family doesn't believe that a crime has been committed...and instead focuses on the lives of the victim...it doesn't change the criminal into a nice person, but rather it give him/her cover to continue on.  

I know that we all believe the law and courts and attorneys need to do this or that to get these criminals off the street....BUT, family refuses to get them out of the family. 

If you only knew how many families are riddled with abusers AND those NOT believing it enough to stop relationships, it would blow your mind.

It is far more common to react like the family in this article, than it is to act like I have.

My family still doesn't see their behavior as being against victims.  They see it as supporting family, no matter what.  Their behavior is echoed with each new predator that pops up in the midst.  The very first place they lean is towards the lives of the victims.

Paint the victims in a negative tone in order to cover-up the predator.

I Understand Why People Believe Sexual Predators Rather than Victims—I Did | Alternet

I Understand Why People Believe Sexual Predators Rather than Victims—I Did | Alternet.

Worlds Apart.

The two worlds existing side by each is so remarkable. And the inhabitants of each world speak two different languages and see things completely different.

Not like a similar variation or just a bit down the spectrum...but completely different.

Where one daughter sees a dad and the other a pedophile.

That different.

And the occupants of these worlds can't speak to each other for each sees a completely different person.  Our language has no common denominator.

Our words fall on deaf ears.  Our beliefs hold us prisoner each on our own side.

The woman who was able to see her mother as an alcoholic, said about her life and her childhood...."It was to see everything in color after only seeing black and white for years."

I said, only months after seeing....that I see too much.

There are only two worlds in the mind.  But reality holds only one.

I know why many live in the other world.

You get to have a mom and a dad.

You get to have family.

You get to have what our mother's mind created.

You get to skip around and forgive and forget anything that would shatter that world.

I am threat to the veil you hold in your mind.

I come in with a rush of ugly.

With emotions too wild to hold and feel.

I am the representative of all the things the veil has hidden.

The ugly truths your world can't hold.

This knowing of two world existing together...and how the mind keeps you away from mine...brings me peace.

Knowing it isn't personal.

When I first stumbled upon this "other" land I was horrified, shocked and shattered...my whole life blew apart and was completely constructed and rebuilt in one horrifying moment.

I died and was reborn.  You died too.  You who I knew no longer existed...and were reborn into someone I couldn't recognize anymore.

Into a world where everything was the opposite of what my mind had labeled.

I am a stranger now to the old land.  One who doesn't believe the old labels.

I am now at home on this side.

While we are standing on different sides of the veil, we will not hear each other.  It will only be when we are standing together.

I know I can't go back.

I can't put the veil up and not see what I saw.

I can't pretend to pretend to pretend.

So we will travel through the years together but apart.

I see you.

And you see me.

Yet we don't see the same.

Everything is different; depending upon what side you are standing on.

Somehow this image brings me peace; knowing the sentiment I have heard.  

"Forgive them, they know not what they do."

 

Reading in The New Codependency by Melody Beattie, she writes.

"Communicate Authentically"

"Are we talking to manipulate, control, or alter someone's perception instead of to honestly express ourselves? We can't simultaneously communicate who we are and control or manipulate. When we're manipulating or controlling, we're not speaking our truth.  If we're numb or disconnected from ourselves, we may not know what our truth is!  Maybe we are not lying, but we're not being who we are.  It's not deliberate. Some of us have been codependent chameleons for so long we don't have a sense of ourselves at all. Our intuitive responses to people - and how they talk to us - can give us real hints to what other people are up to, and where they're at. But that requires trusting ourselves and knowing what we're feeling.  If people are trying to control us, we'll feel like we want to back off, run away, escape. If we're being manipulated, we'll feel confused and cruddy after the conversation ends.  Another communication problem is draining energy or power from someone under the guise of "talking." People may act like they want to have a conversation with us, but many people with codependency issues use conversation as a way to get us to take care of them. They're draining our energy the way thieves siphon gas from someone's car. People segue from asking how the person is into begging the person to tell them what to do, listen to them complain, or take care of them emotionally.  If someone is "taking power" in communication, it can be detected by how the person is robbed of power feels when the conversation ends - exhausted, drained, or depleted. When someone feels incomplete and things the other person holds the missing piece to them, they drain other people's energy or take their power. Is someone controlling, manipulating, or draining you? Does someone's name on your Caller ID evoke a groan, or do you hide in another aisle when you see the person at the grocery store because (whether you have the words to describe it or not), you know he or she wants to control, manipulate or suck your soul? Or is the situation reversed? Are people avoiding you? Do you want something you're not honest about or aware of from them? Do you want them to fix you, validate you, make you feel better? Do you believe they have some magic, insight, answers, or power you don't?  Do you htnk someone else has the power to make you feel whole and complete?"  Melody

 

Perhaps the two worlds are simply those who communicate to honestly express themselves and those who communicate to control and manipulate.

The only reason they communicate is to keep their fake world going...by trying to control others to keep it all in place.  The thing they fear the most is complete and utter freedom to be. 

To express, to feel and to be who we are.

The contrast in communications between the two, are worlds apart.

 

 

The two lives of you.

I was listening to a fictional book, "All Fall Down" by Jennifer Weiner and she was writing about a woman who discovered her mother had been an alcoholic for the first time when she was in rehab.

She had a wonderful way of writing about the fact that we are living very close to piercing the curtain of denial. That just one slip and the veil is broken and we are tossed into a completely different world.  The life and childhood and even the relationship between her parents completely changed, once she knew that her mother was not who she thought she was.

She described it as two worlds living by each other and in heartbeat, you can be tossed into the other world...and the old one is now closed to you.

I am uncertain if I can correctly articulate the how close this other world is; while you are an unbeliever that it exists.

How cleverly it is disguised by your unknowing.

It is right there.

But your faith in the other world is so complete...you don't ever even comtemplate a different view of your parents...say.  You just continue to believe your childhood version. Until.

Until something pierces the veil of unknowing.

This cover that was placed there when you were too young to know. To incapable in undestanding the nuances of adult behaving badly.

And yet.  Once she knew, she understood her self better and her parents became strangers to her.

I understand this.

If you can visualize how awkward it is to be living a life not knowing the truth and not being able to fit in and feel comfortable. Something is "OFF" and you believe it is you.

I guess I hadn't seen it as two complete worlds running side by each....and me living in one (the false one) and my parents living in the real world, keep it from me.

Keeping it from me by not letting me live there.

Not allowing their truth to live with me.

Again, not sure if it makes sense to you all, but it certainly does to me.

The spin they place on reality when we are children and believable...is what helps creates this alternate world.  And, our need and survival upon them.  We need to believe in a world that isn't cruel.

I guess I had taken complete ownership of my denial, that it was my fake world...and didn't consider their hand in helping me stay there.

The multitude of ways of covering it up...and the stresses of not letting the two worlds meet.

How we see what we believe and not see what is.

These two worlds exist side by each....always. 

Which world you live in depends upon many things.

It wasn't until she see herself as her mother...and she was having a hard time pretending this "other world" was her life.  When the truth was too hard to cover up or she was tired of trying...or her husband was tired of the lies he kept stumbling up...that she gave up pretending.  And, it all fell down.

What falls apart, when our lives fall apart, is often the fake world. The one we pretend is us.  The one we share with others, but isn't our truth.  When my world crashed, it was on the pretend one.

Each time we lie or deceive, we are creating another world.

And, I wonder how many folks die living in a fake world.

How many live in just one world.  One where truth is told, no matter what.  Whose life has only one side...reality.

Interesting to know, if you are not being wholly authentic, there is another world running at your side. The two lives of you.

 

 

Separate Being

"Codependents go numb by obsessing, controlling and denying."  Melody Beattie

"Codependency is subtle, insidious. To recover from chemical dependency, we admit that we're powerless over alcohol. We realize we aren't controlling alcohol; it's controlling us.  Now alcohol was controlling me again, but it was the alcohol someone else was drinking.  That's what made it so confusing. I began to see I'm powerless over almost everything.  It's a painful, defeated feeling when we admit we're powerless and our lives are that messed up. The good news is, when we surrender to what we're powerless over, we discover our true power."

"Recovering from addictions was grueling. But surprisingly, healing from codependency became fun after I surrendered to the pain. It feels good to take care of ourselves. I became excited, then obsessed - but now I was obsessed with codependency. (Obsession can be positive,) I wanted to learn everything I could - not about the alcoholic, but about this thing that had brought me to my knees. The perky woman who welcomed me to my first meeting was right; If we're alcoholics or addicts and codependents, we are Double Winners."

"The wheel of life turns constantly. It's the wheel that creates paradigm shifts, changes in perception, and changes in our lives. Often events in one person's life symbolize these larger shifts in the world.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama was ousted from Tibet.  But many people say that the Dalai Lama's los was the world's gain. His departure from Tibet symbolized the enlightenment principles spreading from a tiny country atop a large mountain all the way around the world to the United States.  These principles became the basics of recovery and self-care; nonattachment (letting go and detaching); nonresistance (surrender and acceptance); and awareness (taking inventory daily).  Recovery also encourages prayer and meditation.  People in recovery learn to live like little monks - they're offered a spiritual way of life."

"We connect with ourselves and learn to connect in healthy ways with other people. We develop a personal relationship with God, a Higher Power of our understanding. We find meaning in every detail of our lives; there isn't anything that we did or that happened to us that can't be used for good.  We finally find our purpose instead of feeling like a mistake. Plus we get the tools to handle any experience we encounter. These are some of the gifts of recovery. That's what we win, and its a lot more than two things."  Melody

I honestly think most people have no idea that they are codependent and are absent from their own lives; so off center they have disappeared.

They don't realize they are gone, for they have been missing since early childhood.

It's insidious ways has us so focused on what others think and want, we don't even know we are not present.

Do you know when you have lost your self?

Can you find a self you don't even know?

Is it possible, that the only reason you can tolerate living codependently IS because you are not there to protest?

I find this extremely intriguing.

How we as a society have been raised via religion and abusive families to leave our self behind in order to capitulate to their needs.  And, also were rewarded with attention when we did so.  We became another individual, leaving our own self behind, in order to keep the peace in our family.

The codependent self is our false self.

It lives only in the eyes of other.

When I broke down in 2004...it was the codependent that shattered.

While my life appeared to be in complete ruin...a sprout of Self was revealed.

I caught a glimpse of my life and saw I wasn't there.

It was all built upon the needs and demands and rules and beliefs of someone else.

I set out to find my missing self.

I did so by staying disconnected from what others needed/wanted me to do for their own peace and edification.

While it was tragic on one hand...living 46 years as a codependent...it was equally as thrilling to finally be able to be me.  Excited filled the void where codependency once lived.

Being self centered is to have a sense of self and honor that, no matter what task or relationship you engage in.

I am now 10 years in the process of living a life as a separate being.

 

 

Relationships will die.

More about Boundaries....from Melody Beattie. 

"It's not a boundary if we can't enforce it."  (Love this line!)

AFTER SETTING BOUNDARIES PLAN ON:

.being tested to see if we're serious, especially if previous boundaries were empty threats.

.feeling "after burn" (guilty) for saying what people didn't want to hear.

.needing to be creative to enforce some limits.

.some boundaries taking enormous amounts of energy to enforce.

.people being persistent if they're obsessive, dependent, or spoiled.

.losing some relationships when people can't use us anymore.

.people trying to guilt us into changing our mind.

.people becoming angry when they realize the boundary is real.

.people lying or behaving desperately to get us to back down.

.some boundaries hurting us (to set) as much as they hurt the other person.

Questions:

"Are we willing to do what it takes to enforce a boundary? If not, we'll have to start over. Then the person will push harder. By giving in, we teach people that if they push enough, our boundaries collapse."

WEAK SPOTS

"We may be expert boundary setters. Boundaries roll off our tongues like butter. People barely know a boundary was set. WE know we have a right to express ourselves - except with one particular group of people or one person.  For some reason, that's our weakness with boundaries."

"Many people say that romance comes and goes, but friendship is forever. However, friends can be the hardest to set boundaries with. Although many people expect to argue in romantic relationships, there's an unspoken agreement not to argue with friends."

"Don't resist your weak spots. Awareness and acceptance bring change. The harder it is to set a boundary, the more important the boundary probably is."

Questions:  Who is the person or group that's your boundary weakness?  Do you know why?

BOUNDARIES THAT HURT

"Sometimes we deeply love people whom we need to separate from unless their behavior changes. Even if it's our child who's doing something that harms or disrespects us, we may need to distance ourselves for a while."

"The day arrives when a child isn't our baby. When they become adults, our children need to take responsibility for their behaviors. Setting limits will be good for us and good for our children, too."

"No doubt, some boundaries can hurt us as much or more than they hurt the other person. Maybe that's why it's called "tough love."

Questions:

What is the most painful boundary you've set?

Is there a boundary you're delaying setting because you know how much it'll hurt?

BOUNDARY SETTING TIPS

"Say "Can I get back to you on that?" if someone catches us off guard asking for something. Don't blurt out, "Yes." Retreat until we know what we want to do."

"Prepare for setting difficult boundaries by writing or rehearsing what we'll say.

"Don't explain or justify our actions unless people ask and we want to tell them. Excuses weaken our power."

"Don't forget; Boundaries include saying what we want, enjoy and like, too - not only what doesn't feel good."

"If we spent years not knowing we could say no, we might spend years saying no after we learn we can.  If we didn't get to experiment with power as children, we may go through the terrible twos when we're adults."

"If we feel our boundary collapsing, wirte a reminder letter to ourselves about how it feels when we let someone do what the boundary concerns. Write a letter when the feelings are fresh. When we're tempted to give in, read the letter.  It may stop euphoric recall and help us remember how much that behavior hurts."

"If a boundary involves people doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing. Then, everyone involved can clearly tell if and when the boundary is met."

"Set tough limits in blocks of time to reduce the sting. Set a boundary for six weeks or six months. Then, review the situation. Boundaries don't have to be forever. They can be "until".

"Someone sending hostile thoughts at us for saying "no" can be extremely disruptive. The more bonded we are with people, the more likely we'll feel what they feeling whether we're talking to them or not. If we react by sending back angry feelings, we'll be even more disrupted.  Unhook from unspoken or silent hostility. We we send only loving thoughts to people, it makes those boundaries easier to set."

"If a boundary involves complaining about a service delivered stay focused on the issue. Don't attack the person. Be specific how we'd like the problem solved. We won't always get satisfactory resolution, but our chances improve when we don't put people on the defensive by attacking them. Besides, who wants an angry dentist drilling our teeth or a resentful stylist cutting our hair? They may be working at a job role, but they're people and they have feelings too."

"Sometimes we may think we reached our limit. We may want to be done with a relationship, but when the person calls, we give in and see him or her again. Sometimes the more we resist the person, the more we get pulled back in.  If that happens accept we're not ready to enforce the boundary yet - or we would. It's like the Chinese finger, cuff trick. The harder we pull apart our fingers, the more stuck we get. By relaxing instead of resisting, we set ourselves free."

"We don't have to yell to show power. The more certainwe are about our limits and our right to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly - or softly- we talk. Sometimes a person is being aggressive, or a salesperson is trying to bilk us, we may have to stomp our foot and loudly insist that the behavior stop. We may have to call the authorities. When we need to raise our voices, we'll be more effective if we do it like an actor playing the role of an angry person that if we're screaming because we're out of control and our anger is controlling us."

"We may find ourselves in difficult situations - legally and emotionally. We either get a divorce or let a spouse ruin our credit. It's a decision only we can make. If we can't decide, maybe it's not time. But remember - not deciding is choosing. Do we want the consequences we'll get? Laws are constantly changing. Check- maybe you can legally protect yourself in ways you didn't know existed."

"Other circumstances have legal complications. We have responsibilities for children until they're adults. "Living with my teenager was hell," many parents said. Call the school or police. They may be able to tell you what your responsibilities are; they will probably have the most current resources. Or consult a competent attorney. Knowing your legal responsibilities and options is part of taking care of yourself."

"Get support from a group whose members have similar problems as yours. Don't attend a group with women talking about being married to alcoholics when you're dealing with a teenager engaged in abusive behavior. Whatever you're going through, you aren't alone. Other are going through a similar experience. Support will help more than you know. A group equals more than the total of its members. Something happens that strengthens us in ways we won't know exists until we have the experience."

"If we ask for help and look for answers, we'll find the information, clarity, guidance, and power to set and enforce the limits that are right for us."  Melody 

If setting boudaries is really is being honest and truthful, it is so amazing that folks will have issues with it.  That we will literally be attacked when we say our truth and hold others accountable for their own actions...

When I began this process I was totally taken aback by how others would treat me when I set boundaries. Like I was insane and that I wasn't kind.

That I had a problem with their problem seemed to make me a worse person.

Perhaps it was the sheer volume of dysfunction that I was swimming free of that was so incredibly hard to swim against.  It showed me the level of pretend I had choosen as me.

I was not living my truth, speaking it or walking it.  I was such a pretend person that when I started saying what I really felt boundaries began to rise and relationships began to fall.

I wasn't prepared for the back lash.

I wasn't prepared for those closest to me to strike back with hateful words.

Intuitively, we as children, have to know, that our truths will have consequences.  That the other person whose behavior is hurting us, will not take kindly when we stop taking it.  

My fallout was to be left alone.

As a child, this would have devastated me.

So, instead of living my truth; I pretended to survive.

I know that sounds dramatic and over the top.

But, until you have literally spoken your truth and then taken the steps to protect it and enforce your boundaries.  You haven't experienced the consequences of it. 

Try it. And see what reactions have stood between you and your truth. How will they respond and what will it mean to the relationship between you.

What I have seen or heard most say to me....is that they couldn't do what I have done, for they 'love' their parents or siblings too much. Really?  Or is it more comfortable to be a pretend person than to actually feel what isn't there.

Even what isn't there of yourself.

Here is what I know.  I was truly nobody. I was a compilation of lies.  I was a stockpile of no's that should have been yes....and yes's that should have been no's. I had no clue who I really was; but knew that all hell would break loose if I didn't pretend.

It totally amazes me the distance between my truth and my pretend self and the contrast of both.  How absent I was and then how present.

While living truthfully isn't easy it will bring you back to yourself.  You will begin to be reborn...and the pretend relationships will die.

 

Say it out loud.

Melody Beattie writes about boundaries in "The New Codependency".

"Boundaries"

When:

.we're done saying "yes" when we mean "no";

.hurtful , disrespectful behavior must stop;

. we're ready to say how we feel, whether people want to hear it or not;

. we're willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that became one-way streets;

. we're ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them they didn't pay back money they borrowed instead of us feeling awkward when we didn't do anything wrong;

.we can't stand what's happening;

.we're done letting someone drive us crazy;

.the pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person;

.we'll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occurr;

. we want to stop doing something but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something but people don't want us to do that;

"When I'd say, "I wish I could buy boxes of boundaries - I'd take four," in my talks after writing Codependent No More, people laughed and cheered.  The word boundaries as it applies to personal limits was only now entering our vocabularies. I didn't know much about boundaries yet.  Many people didn't either."

"Boundaries aren't something we just "get".  They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear."

"Boundaries are the limits of Love."

"TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY;

.what we'll do if people don't stop treating us a particular way;

. what people can or can't do to or around us - in our space;

.how far we'll go for someone;

.how far other people can go with us;

.what we will and won't tolerate;

."yes" when we mean it;

."no" when that's our answer;

."maybe" when we are unsure;

.what we will or won't do if people don't respect the boundaries we set.

"Boundaries come from speaking our truth.

BOUNDARIES REQUIRE

.self-awareness,

.self-love,

.honest communication,

.saying the hard stuff,

.aligning with or stepping into our power. 

Limits can make or break relationships. They aren't only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.

HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:

.respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;

.asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding or insisting;

.doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;

.asking if its a good time to  talk when we call;

.not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;

.not borrowing, without asking;

.paying debts on time;

.telling the truth;

.being nonjudgmental;

.not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;

.not pushing our beliefs on others;

.not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;

.calling at normal hours unless it's a true emergency and not drama;

.not talking about others behind their backs;

.not assuming we know the facts unless we do;

.not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors;

When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask!   Melody

Part of growing up or healing from abusive childhoods and even adult relationship IS to learn how to set boudaries or to even find them.

I learned that I have very few boundaries and that it was quite shocking to me and others when I discovered this tool.

And, I love her line..."Boundaries come from speaking out truth!"

I set out to speak my truth and set boundaries along the way.

It wasn't overnight.

Each moment of time and in each encounter I faced my truth.

And in doing so set another boundary.

You don't have to know what you like or dislike, what you have to be willing to do is feel your truth and then speak it and enforce it by requiring this....and setting out a consequence when it doesn't happen.

What I know for certain is being truthful has given me a life that honors me and in doing so honors who they are too.

I am not concerned or trying to change anyone; rather I am only trying to live my life in truth.  And I honor my truth enough to say it out loud.

 

 

Emotions the Facts bring with them.

Again, from "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins.

"There is a simple way to become conscious of the underlying emotional goal behind any activity through the use of the question, "What for?"  With each answer, "What for?" is asked again and again until the basic feeling is uncovered. An example would be the following. A man wants a new Cadillac. His mind gives all the logical reasons but the logic doesn't really explain it.  So he asks himself, "What do I want the Cadillac for?" "Well," he says, "it is to achieve status, recognition, respect, and solid citizen success," Again: "What do I want status for?" "Respect and approval from others," he might say, "and to ensure that respect." Again: "What do I want respect and approval for?"  "To have the feeling of security."  Again: "What do I want security for?"  "To feel happy."  The continual question, "What for," reveals that basically there are feelings of insecurity, unhappiness, and lack of fulfillment. Every activity or desire will reveal that basic goal is to achieve a certain feeling. There are on other goals than to overcome fear and achieve happiness. Emotions are connected with what we believe will ensure our survival, not with what actually will. Emotions themselves are actually the cause of the basic fear that drives everyone to seek security constantly." David

 

What I found so intriguing in this, is that we keep looking towards new goals but rarely ask "What For?"

And, at first glace the reasons seem kind and even healthy, but what drives the goal is by far more important.  What feelings lie underneath?

David Hawkings has what he calls a "Scale of Emotions".

"The Scale of Emotions"

"For simplicity and clarity, we will utilize the scale of emotions that correspond with the levels of consciousness. A thorough presentation of consciousness levels , their scientific basis, and practical application is found in Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior".

"Briefly, everything emits energy, either positive or negative. Intuitively, we know the difference between a positive person (friendly, genuine, considerate) and a negative one (greedy, deceitful, hateful).  The energy of Mother Teresa was obviously different from the energy of Adolf Hitler; most people's energy is somewhere in between the two. Music, places, books, animals, intentions, and all of life emit an energy that can be "calibrated" as to its essence and its degree of truth."

"Like goes to like." The different energies constellate in "attractor patterns" or "levels of consciousness."  Each level of consciousness (or attractor pattern) is calibrated on logarithmic scale of energetic power, ranging from 1-1000. The level of Full Enlightenment (1000), at the top of the Map, represents the highest level attainable in the human realm; it is the energy of Jesus Christ, the Buddha, and Krishna. The level of Shame (20) is at the bottom, close to death, representing bare survival."

"The level of Courage (200) is the critical point that marks the shift from negative to positive energy. It is the energy of integrity, being truthful, empowerment, and having the capacity to cope. The levels of consciousness below Courage are destructive, whereas the levels above it are life-supportive. A simple muscle-test reveals the difference: negative stimuli (below 200) instantly weakens the muscle, and positive stimuli (above 200) instantly strengthen the muscle.  True "power" strengthens; "force" weakens. Above the level of Courage, people seek us out because we give energy to them ("power") and we have goodwill towards them.  Below the level of Courage, people avoid us because we take energy from them ("force") and we want to use them for our own material or emotional needs."

Here, we deliniante the basic scale, starting from the higher energies to the lower:

Peace (600)  This is experienced as perfection, bliss, effortlessness, and oneness.  It is a state of non-duality beyond separatemess and beyond the intellect, as in the "peace that passeth all understanding."  It is described as Illumination and Enlightenment. It is rare in the human realm.

Joy (540) Love that is unconditional and unchanging, despite circumstances and actions of others.  The world is illuminated by exquisite beauty, which is seen in all things.  The perfection of creation is self-evident. There is closeness to unity and discovery of Self; compassion for all; enormous patience; the feeling of at-oneness with others and a concern for their happiness. A sense of self-completion and self-suffieciency prevails.

Love (500) A way of being that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive.  It does not proceed from the mind; rather, it emanates from the heart.  Love focuses on the essence of a situation, not the details.  It deals with wholes, not particulars. As perception is replaced with vision, it takes no position and sees the intrinsic value and lovability of all that exists.

Reason (400) This aspect differentiates humans from the animal world. There is the ability to see things in the abstract, to conceptualize, to be objective, and to make rapid and correct decisions.  Its enormous utility is problem solving. Science, philosophy, medicine, and logic are expressions of this level.

Acceptance (350) This energy is easy going, laid back, harmonious, flexible, inclusive, and free of inner resistance. "Life is good.  You and I are good. I feel connected." It meets life on life's terms. There is no need to blame others or blame life.

Willingness (310) This energy subserves survival by virtue of a positive attitude that welcomes all expressions of life.  It is friendly, helpful, wants to assist, and seeks to be of service.

Neutrality (250) This is a way of life that is comfortable, pragmatic, and relatively free of emotionality. "It's okay either way," It is free of rigid positions, nonjudgmental, and noncompetitive.

Courage (200) This energy says, "I can do it." It is determined, excited about life, productive, independent, and self-empowered. Effective action is possible.

Pride (175)"My way is the best way," says this level.  It's focus is achievement, desire for recognition, specialness, and perfectionism. It feels "better than..." and superior to others.

Anger (150) This energy overcomes the source of fear by force, threats, and attack.  It is irritable, explosive, bitter, volatile, and resentful. It likes to "get even," as in "I'll show you."

Desire (125) It is always seeking gain, acquisition, pleasure and "getting" something outside oneself. It is insatiable, never satisfied, and craving. "I have to have it." "Give me what I want, and give it to me now!"

Fear (100) This energy sees "danger," which is "everywhere." It is avoidant, defensive, preoccupied with security, possessive of others, jealous, restless, anxious, and vigilant.

Grief (75) There is helplessness, despair, loss, regret, and the feeling, "If only I had..." Separation.  Depression. Sadness.  Being a "loser." Mournful, as in "I can't go on."

Apathy (50) This energy is characterized by hopelessness, playing dead, being a "drain" to others, being immoblized, and the feelings: "I can't" and "Who cares?" Poverty is common.

Guilt (30) In this energy field one wants to punish and be punished. It leads to self-rejection, masochism, remorse, "feeling bad," and self-sabotage. "It's all my fault," Accident proneness, suicidal behavior, and projection of self-hatred onto "evil" others are common.  It is the basis of many psychosomatic illnesses.

Shame (20) Characterized by humiliation, as in "hanging your head in shame." It is traditionally accompanied by banishment. It is destructive to health and leads to cruelty toward self and others.  

"In general, we can say that the lower end of the scale is associated with lower vibrational frequencies; lower energy, lower power, poorer life circumstances, poorer relationships, less abundance, less love, and poorer physical and emotional health. Because of the low energy, such needy people drain us on all levels. They tend to be avoided and find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail).

"As we let go of negative feelings, there is a progressive movement up and the scale to Courage and then beyond, with increasing effectiveness, success, and more effortless abundance. We tend to seek out such people. We say thay are "high". They give off life energy to all living things around them. Animals are attracted to them. They have a green thumb and positively influence the lives of all with whom they come in contact. At the level of Courage, the negative feelings have not all disappeared, but now we have sufficient energy to handle them because we've re-owned our power and self-adequacy. The fastest way to move from the bottom to the top is by telling the truth to ourselves and others."  David

It is amazing how our emotions are markers for our consciousness and how we interact with our feelings creates the content of energy we hold.

When I began living from the inside. Feeling the feelings I had overlooked and denied, the feelings were very overwhelming and intense.  It would seem like the negative ones would kill you and demolish who you are, and instead...I faced each of them and allowed them to be....felt the honesty of each.  Eventually, like hungry children, they became silent.  And, I didn't die.

Looking back, it is hard to explain the force each carried...and how it felt to be so small in comparison to its volume. It is almost like the color and sound were on full volume and I had previously been living in a black and white silent world.

Or dead, maybe frozen...and suddenly very alive.

Here is another paragraph that really struck me.

"Fear of Life is really the fear of Emotions.  It is not the facts that we fear but our feelings about them.  Once we have mastery over our feelings, our fear of life diminishes. We feel a greater self-confidence, and we are willing to take greater chances because we now feel that we can handle the emotional consequences, whatever they might be. Because fear is the basis of all inhibitions, mastery over fear means the unblocking of whole avenues of life experience that previously had been avoided."  David

This is the only way it makes sense that so called normal folk, can't hear and understand the facts about incest and sexual abuse within families. What is more true, is they can't handle the emotions the facts bring with them.