More about Boundaries....from Melody Beattie.
"It's not a boundary if we can't enforce it." (Love this line!)
AFTER SETTING BOUNDARIES PLAN ON:
.being tested to see if we're serious, especially if previous boundaries were empty threats.
.feeling "after burn" (guilty) for saying what people didn't want to hear.
.needing to be creative to enforce some limits.
.some boundaries taking enormous amounts of energy to enforce.
.people being persistent if they're obsessive, dependent, or spoiled.
.losing some relationships when people can't use us anymore.
.people trying to guilt us into changing our mind.
.people becoming angry when they realize the boundary is real.
.people lying or behaving desperately to get us to back down.
.some boundaries hurting us (to set) as much as they hurt the other person.
Questions:
"Are we willing to do what it takes to enforce a boundary? If not, we'll have to start over. Then the person will push harder. By giving in, we teach people that if they push enough, our boundaries collapse."
WEAK SPOTS
"We may be expert boundary setters. Boundaries roll off our tongues like butter. People barely know a boundary was set. WE know we have a right to express ourselves - except with one particular group of people or one person. For some reason, that's our weakness with boundaries."
"Many people say that romance comes and goes, but friendship is forever. However, friends can be the hardest to set boundaries with. Although many people expect to argue in romantic relationships, there's an unspoken agreement not to argue with friends."
"Don't resist your weak spots. Awareness and acceptance bring change. The harder it is to set a boundary, the more important the boundary probably is."
Questions: Who is the person or group that's your boundary weakness? Do you know why?
BOUNDARIES THAT HURT
"Sometimes we deeply love people whom we need to separate from unless their behavior changes. Even if it's our child who's doing something that harms or disrespects us, we may need to distance ourselves for a while."
"The day arrives when a child isn't our baby. When they become adults, our children need to take responsibility for their behaviors. Setting limits will be good for us and good for our children, too."
"No doubt, some boundaries can hurt us as much or more than they hurt the other person. Maybe that's why it's called "tough love."
Questions:
What is the most painful boundary you've set?
Is there a boundary you're delaying setting because you know how much it'll hurt?
BOUNDARY SETTING TIPS
"Say "Can I get back to you on that?" if someone catches us off guard asking for something. Don't blurt out, "Yes." Retreat until we know what we want to do."
"Prepare for setting difficult boundaries by writing or rehearsing what we'll say.
"Don't explain or justify our actions unless people ask and we want to tell them. Excuses weaken our power."
"Don't forget; Boundaries include saying what we want, enjoy and like, too - not only what doesn't feel good."
"If we spent years not knowing we could say no, we might spend years saying no after we learn we can. If we didn't get to experiment with power as children, we may go through the terrible twos when we're adults."
"If we feel our boundary collapsing, wirte a reminder letter to ourselves about how it feels when we let someone do what the boundary concerns. Write a letter when the feelings are fresh. When we're tempted to give in, read the letter. It may stop euphoric recall and help us remember how much that behavior hurts."
"If a boundary involves people doing something differently, be specific about what needs changing. Then, everyone involved can clearly tell if and when the boundary is met."
"Set tough limits in blocks of time to reduce the sting. Set a boundary for six weeks or six months. Then, review the situation. Boundaries don't have to be forever. They can be "until".
"Someone sending hostile thoughts at us for saying "no" can be extremely disruptive. The more bonded we are with people, the more likely we'll feel what they feeling whether we're talking to them or not. If we react by sending back angry feelings, we'll be even more disrupted. Unhook from unspoken or silent hostility. We we send only loving thoughts to people, it makes those boundaries easier to set."
"If a boundary involves complaining about a service delivered stay focused on the issue. Don't attack the person. Be specific how we'd like the problem solved. We won't always get satisfactory resolution, but our chances improve when we don't put people on the defensive by attacking them. Besides, who wants an angry dentist drilling our teeth or a resentful stylist cutting our hair? They may be working at a job role, but they're people and they have feelings too."
"Sometimes we may think we reached our limit. We may want to be done with a relationship, but when the person calls, we give in and see him or her again. Sometimes the more we resist the person, the more we get pulled back in. If that happens accept we're not ready to enforce the boundary yet - or we would. It's like the Chinese finger, cuff trick. The harder we pull apart our fingers, the more stuck we get. By relaxing instead of resisting, we set ourselves free."
"We don't have to yell to show power. The more certainwe are about our limits and our right to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly - or softly- we talk. Sometimes a person is being aggressive, or a salesperson is trying to bilk us, we may have to stomp our foot and loudly insist that the behavior stop. We may have to call the authorities. When we need to raise our voices, we'll be more effective if we do it like an actor playing the role of an angry person that if we're screaming because we're out of control and our anger is controlling us."
"We may find ourselves in difficult situations - legally and emotionally. We either get a divorce or let a spouse ruin our credit. It's a decision only we can make. If we can't decide, maybe it's not time. But remember - not deciding is choosing. Do we want the consequences we'll get? Laws are constantly changing. Check- maybe you can legally protect yourself in ways you didn't know existed."
"Other circumstances have legal complications. We have responsibilities for children until they're adults. "Living with my teenager was hell," many parents said. Call the school or police. They may be able to tell you what your responsibilities are; they will probably have the most current resources. Or consult a competent attorney. Knowing your legal responsibilities and options is part of taking care of yourself."
"Get support from a group whose members have similar problems as yours. Don't attend a group with women talking about being married to alcoholics when you're dealing with a teenager engaged in abusive behavior. Whatever you're going through, you aren't alone. Other are going through a similar experience. Support will help more than you know. A group equals more than the total of its members. Something happens that strengthens us in ways we won't know exists until we have the experience."
"If we ask for help and look for answers, we'll find the information, clarity, guidance, and power to set and enforce the limits that are right for us." Melody
If setting boudaries is really is being honest and truthful, it is so amazing that folks will have issues with it. That we will literally be attacked when we say our truth and hold others accountable for their own actions...
When I began this process I was totally taken aback by how others would treat me when I set boundaries. Like I was insane and that I wasn't kind.
That I had a problem with their problem seemed to make me a worse person.
Perhaps it was the sheer volume of dysfunction that I was swimming free of that was so incredibly hard to swim against. It showed me the level of pretend I had choosen as me.
I was not living my truth, speaking it or walking it. I was such a pretend person that when I started saying what I really felt boundaries began to rise and relationships began to fall.
I wasn't prepared for the back lash.
I wasn't prepared for those closest to me to strike back with hateful words.
Intuitively, we as children, have to know, that our truths will have consequences. That the other person whose behavior is hurting us, will not take kindly when we stop taking it.
My fallout was to be left alone.
As a child, this would have devastated me.
So, instead of living my truth; I pretended to survive.
I know that sounds dramatic and over the top.
But, until you have literally spoken your truth and then taken the steps to protect it and enforce your boundaries. You haven't experienced the consequences of it.
Try it. And see what reactions have stood between you and your truth. How will they respond and what will it mean to the relationship between you.
What I have seen or heard most say to me....is that they couldn't do what I have done, for they 'love' their parents or siblings too much. Really? Or is it more comfortable to be a pretend person than to actually feel what isn't there.
Even what isn't there of yourself.
Here is what I know. I was truly nobody. I was a compilation of lies. I was a stockpile of no's that should have been yes....and yes's that should have been no's. I had no clue who I really was; but knew that all hell would break loose if I didn't pretend.
It totally amazes me the distance between my truth and my pretend self and the contrast of both. How absent I was and then how present.
While living truthfully isn't easy it will bring you back to yourself. You will begin to be reborn...and the pretend relationships will die.
