Melody Beattie writes about boundaries in "The New Codependency".
"Boundaries"
When:
.we're done saying "yes" when we mean "no";
.hurtful , disrespectful behavior must stop;
. we're ready to say how we feel, whether people want to hear it or not;
. we're willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that became one-way streets;
. we're ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them they didn't pay back money they borrowed instead of us feeling awkward when we didn't do anything wrong;
.we can't stand what's happening;
.we're done letting someone drive us crazy;
.the pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person;
.we'll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occurr;
. we want to stop doing something but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something but people don't want us to do that;
"When I'd say, "I wish I could buy boxes of boundaries - I'd take four," in my talks after writing Codependent No More, people laughed and cheered. The word boundaries as it applies to personal limits was only now entering our vocabularies. I didn't know much about boundaries yet. Many people didn't either."
"Boundaries aren't something we just "get". They come from inside of us as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear."
"Boundaries are the limits of Love."
"TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY;
.what we'll do if people don't stop treating us a particular way;
. what people can or can't do to or around us - in our space;
.how far we'll go for someone;
.how far other people can go with us;
.what we will and won't tolerate;
."yes" when we mean it;
."no" when that's our answer;
."maybe" when we are unsure;
.what we will or won't do if people don't respect the boundaries we set.
"Boundaries come from speaking our truth.
BOUNDARIES REQUIRE
.self-awareness,
.self-love,
.honest communication,
.saying the hard stuff,
.aligning with or stepping into our power.
Limits can make or break relationships. They aren't only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.
HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:
.respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;
.asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding or insisting;
.doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;
.asking if its a good time to talk when we call;
.not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that's okay;
.not borrowing, without asking;
.paying debts on time;
.telling the truth;
.being nonjudgmental;
.not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;
.not pushing our beliefs on others;
.not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;
.calling at normal hours unless it's a true emergency and not drama;
.not talking about others behind their backs;
.not assuming we know the facts unless we do;
.not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors;
When we're uncertain what someone's boundaries are, ask! Melody
Part of growing up or healing from abusive childhoods and even adult relationship IS to learn how to set boudaries or to even find them.
I learned that I have very few boundaries and that it was quite shocking to me and others when I discovered this tool.
And, I love her line..."Boundaries come from speaking out truth!"
I set out to speak my truth and set boundaries along the way.
It wasn't overnight.
Each moment of time and in each encounter I faced my truth.
And in doing so set another boundary.
You don't have to know what you like or dislike, what you have to be willing to do is feel your truth and then speak it and enforce it by requiring this....and setting out a consequence when it doesn't happen.
What I know for certain is being truthful has given me a life that honors me and in doing so honors who they are too.
I am not concerned or trying to change anyone; rather I am only trying to live my life in truth. And I honor my truth enough to say it out loud.
