I am reading "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie.
She writes;
"Years after writing "Codependent No More, I was haunted by the fear that loving myself would make me lazy and self-indulgent. It took a long time to know that appreciating myself is motivating."
"It's not what we don't know that hurts us," people say. "It's what we believe is true that isn't that does the damage."
"There's a difference between loving someone and being trapped in a miserable marriage. There's a difference between giving to get someone to like us, which leaves us resentful, and giving from heartfelt generosity. There's a difference between enabling someone to drink and nurturing people we love, between narcissism and self-love, and between self-centeredness and staying centered in ourselves."
"While alcoholism in the family can help create codependency, it isn't essential. Some people call codependency a disease. But how do we know whether it's a disease or a problem? Does it help to call ourselves sick when we already suffer from low self worth? The behaviors associated with codependency make perfect sense if we look closely enough. It's understandable that we would confuse control with love when control is all we've known. It makes sense that we think controlling will keep us safe because it did - for awhile. All codependent behavior makes sense if traced back to their origins."
"The behaviors associated with codependency - from controlling to caretaking - are behaviors that saved our lives when we didn't know what else to do. In most situations, whether alcoholism was involved or not, codependent behaviors are what anyone might do if he or she had walked for five or ten years in our shoes."
"It's natural to hurt when we lose a marriage or to go crazy when we discover our daughter smokes crack. Many codependent behaviors - such as worrying or controlling - are what ordinary people do from time to time. But we get into trouble when these become behaviors we can't stop."
"Codependency is normal behavior, plus. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. We forget where the other person's responsibilities begin and our responsibilities stop. Or we get busy and have so much to do that we neglect ourselves."
"Codependents may be smothering, clinging, and needy (they kill us with kindness and try to please us until we can't stand them). On the brighter side, once they work through these issues, they can become outstanding people. Many use their experiences to become successful entrepreneurs. Studies show that people who grow up in troubled families handle stress significantly better than others, they keep going when people around them who had it easier fold."
"Some professionals call people with codependency issues, "over achievers," but that's demeaning. "They're super-achievers," one therapist said. That's kinder and more appropriate. Solving problems and possessing endurance (two positive codependent traits) are second nature to people who have already been through so much."
"When we start taking care of ourselves, the deficits from our pasts transform into assets. Many people with codependency issues are loyal and dedicated. They get the job done. They obsess, but they also persevere. They want to help, and once they learn to help themselves, they usually do. Many become leaders, people who change the world."
"Codependency is about crossing the lines. How can we tell if what we're doing is codependent? When we cross the line into the Codependent Zone, we've usually go an ulterior motive for what we do, and what we're doing hurts us. It doesn't work. This handbook will help us get back our lives.Then we can choose behaviors that work for us."
"It's easier to see what other people are doing than it is to see ourselves. That's a human trait and codependent behavior. Because codependent behavior protects us, letting go of them can feel frightening at first. Are you willing to feel uncomfortable for a while?" Melody
This book is about crossing the line.
The line of responsibility.
It is to give back responsibility, and to free ourselves to live our lives independently and happy and do what we love.
So far a great affirmation of my journey!
I also LOVE this line. "It's not what we don't know that hurts us," people say. "It's what we believe is true that isn't that does the damage."
Believing something to be true that isn't is the cause of much suffering. To believe something that isn't there. And, then the grieving process of its loss.
I look forward to more of what she writes. I listened to this book, but love to have the hard copy in my hand!
