IMPERFECT Lady

This is My Legacy

In the late 1990's I made a quilted wall hanging from a pattern called "We May All Have Our Differences" by Linda Christensen.  

A photo of this quilt was pasted to a card I received today....from my mother.

This quilt may have planted the seeds to my Lady that was to follow.  

I actually did the hand appliqué that this pattern required.  It was my one and only hand appliquéd quilt....ever, and I gave it as a gift to my mother.

How ironic is the name...."We may all have our difference" and its deeper message besides the body's shape and size.  And, that I created this quilt before my breakdown into reality from denial.

I continue to marvel how my quilts have been speaking to me and how I missed their deeper message.

As I sit here, a new grandmother; what has been the most profound is My Legacy.

I feel the space I am offering to my little granddaughter.

Another avenue that wasn't open to me.

I have forged new ground.

Shown another way to deal with abuse.  

Modeled how it isn't a life sentence...nor does it have to be handed down.

By going against my mother and her chosen path, I have given my children and their children a new way forward.  

THIS difference is what has kept my mother and I estranged.

My mother never changed course. 

She kept repeating the pattern she was given; denial.

See sin and Bless/ forgive, forget....repeat.

A never ending cycle for abuse to flourish in...and the victim no way out.

As I gazed upon her handwriting, I could not imagine what words she could give me as a new grandmother.

"Grandchildren are a reward for having children.  Completely different than a parent. You have all the fun and none of the responsibility." (ironically, she didn't know how to spell responsibility - "she had to look it up," she wrote)

She is so wrong.

Our responsibility to our grandchildren begin with our children.

It begins with our responsibilities of being a authentic women.

It grows from the truth...and our reactions to it.

It isn't just fun and games AFTER neglecting our parenting responsibilities.

I feel as a grandmother that I have lived a life that my granddaughter can be proud of.  My morals and my values have content.  They are not just words or sentiments of a religion's facade...or thoughts in my head. I live my morals and values in action and deed.

I literally feel that I have deflected or neutralized the legacy of my mother upon my grandchild...by being a different woman than my mother.  By doing what she wasn't able to do...to walk away from family; when family abuses.

And, she comes in seemingly free of any responsibilities of what her parenting did to me...and feels she is entitled to continue engaging with me...regardless of my actions of estrangement.

She isn't responsible for my childhood damage; nor is she responsible for the work and effort I have done to rid myself of its mark.

She appears to be oblivious to her legacy and thee affects it had upon her children...and their children.  What does she feel she has imprinted upon us?  What marks do we carry from her and her life's choices?

I know she doesn't know know know what she has done; what her true legacy is.  That the only thing she can hand down is what she has lived.  No would of, could of, should of, is passed down.  Just how you responded to life.

We can only experience our parents by what they do; not by what they meant to do.

I know that some feel she loved us. 

She did her best and loved us.

But the proof is in how we each feel about ourselves; our self esteem.

Did she protect and fight for our innocence and little child self?

Did she put aside all of her comfort and connections to our abusers.

Did she see the child first and then herself?

As a mother; did she nurture us and keep us from harm....or, when the abuse was discovered, did she make drastic changes to ensure we never had to be with our abuser again?

No.

How can a woman who shirked her responsibilities as a mother...become a grandmother and then a great-grandmother?

Is it possible to keep skirting your responsibilities...but claiming the roles?

I feel that I have earned the right to be called grandma.  

I have created a safe place for children.  

I have shown I can keep my distance from folks who abuse or who are friends with abusers.

I am a real grandma.

A safe grandma.

This feeling has filled me with great peace.

I know that I prepared this place for the little ones who will come into our family.

They will not have the same landscape I had to endure.

There will be someone in their family who has set the pattern in place that shows what to do when abuse walks in.

I may have been a slow starter....but once I began, I did not stop until I cleared away all that wasn't love.

My beautiful little granddaughter will know love.

For I now know what love is.

Love is being responsible for your own truth.

Love is being free to be yourself.

All she has to ever do is be herself, and live her truth.

Grandma showed her how!

This is my legacy!

My Ladies are women who dance to their own truths!

 

 

 

 

Ruby

"When you get something on the page, it leaves your body."  Cynthia Bond - Author of "Ruby"

I loved this line in her interview in "O" magazine... and I loved her book, "Ruby". 

When asked why she wrote...."I was just trying to stay alive, and writing was the way I could do it."

She also says, "My memories of abuse are not linear - they're like swatches of fabric I keep trying to stitch into a pattern.  Often they don't make sense.  I try to match colors, like piecing together a puzzle.  Is that sky or water? Paint or blood? I started having such vivid memories, I couldn't move.  I was afraid I would hurt myself. Finally I started writing. I got help. My mother saved my life again and again. I wrote and wrote, and started putting together a novel. I didn't mean to. And I had no idea it would end up being so long - it was originally close to 900 pages.  When my agent saw how long it was, she urged me to break it into three books.  This is the first."

I loved the way she writes...

"She wore gray like rain clouds."

Yet it is a book that is laced with abuse and how it is seen or more... overlooked.

Very colorful characters who interact in a way that creates the climate for abuse.

Her landscape is different than mine, her heritage not the same; the abuse in the book much more severe...and yet the outcome remains the same.

Loss of self.

Voices in your head echo the way your abuser (s) see you. 

Another line...which I heard went something like this. "Until you hear the lie of your abuser, you will not see your self."

As she ends the interview, she says "No one was ever brought to justice, though everyone knew who did it.  My grandfather died knowing his daughter's killers remained free. I'm glad I'm in a position to talk about these atrocities."

I see this as the flow of how humanity changes when abuse appears and its journey.  Not only what it does to lives; how they change...but then the course correction that is possible.  

 

 

 

 

Work of Art

How fun it is to see someone see My Lady for the first time.  I get to see her again, through their eyes. And, I get to share her/our story.  

My art goes beyond what you first see; the deeper connection is to feel the power of humankind...resilience - hope- freedom- empowerment - courage and boldness to name a few.

Oh and the energy of the My Lady, is expressed in so many ways.  I love the changing emotions.  I love that my feelings are often displayed in the fabric.

I also love, that often I don't even grasp what I am creating until it is done or until months/years later.

When they go and hang out at a new venue, I get to see them once again with fresh eyes.

I love My Lady.

I am proud of her.

I love her adventurous nature and how willing she is to be seen.

Yet each time I unroll my fabric bundle of quilts...it is to unfurl my soul.

I am sure there are still remnants and visages of my me that fear to be seen in my entirety.  Where my art, my wound and my recovery are all embraced.

As a fiber artist; I am sewn into each piece.

Just as quilts are cut up and rearranged; so am I.

Rearranged into a work of Art.

Gambling with reality.

"She had a fantasy, that no reality could compete with," was a line in book I was listening to.

In the story, the woman had created a husband; a perfect husband and was incapable of bringing into reality who he really was compared to what her mind had painted.  He had passed away 6 years ago, and at the time of his death there were secrets she didn't know.  

And, she LOVED her version of him; regardless of reality.

If she brought in reality, it would change how much she loved him.  

He would become a stranger; and unlovable.

How common is this fantasizing and then blaming reality when you have been duped.

Isn't this denial?

How hard is it to let go of perfect for the imperfection of reality?

What mostly crashed in my world 10 years ago was the fantasy I had; my vision of my family...minus reality.

Many see me as mental now; while they cling to their fantasies.

While they continue to forge relationships with the unreal.

That if you pretend to pretend to pretend enough...your fantasy will override reality's imperfections.

I marvel at the minds ability to take the least amount of information and weave the most plausible story... as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says.

Not only create a story, but to believe in it wholeheartedly AND then LOVE it.

Love the story in the mind...over reality.

Leaving reality and its sharp contrast and relentless attention to details, completely untouched.

It has boggled my mind to watch this in action.

It doesn't matter how big a stretch it is between reality and fantasy, fantasy will win IN THEIR MINDS.

To lay them down on paper side by each, they would be polar opposites and yet they will go with the mind.

Unflinching.

Unseeing.

Blind.

Blind to what is.

Denial.

"The action of declaring something to be untrue."

How do you declare something untrue?  

Is it by saying the opposite?  

Or just not speaking the truth.

Can you save your fantasy by omitting the truth?

I had to look up fantasy.

"the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable."

It isn't to just dream a fancy dream; but to dream the impossible or improbable.

Do you know what improbable is?

"not likely to be true or to happen."

Its synonyms are "unconvincing, unbelievable, incredible, ridiculous, absurd, preposterous, outrageous...."

"Since improbable means something is unlikely but not impossible, your optimism allows you to keep hoping."

The fantasy is betting your whole life upon something that is unlikely to happen.

Living and holding out for the less than 1% chance it could be true....while the other 99% is ignored.

Remaining optimistic against all odds. 

That is where my family of origin resides.

Waiting on the improbable.

I wonder if reality can only come in when you give up all hope.

When you let go of 'it's possible'.

When you realize that Hell will never freeze over...

It is the slimmest of margins that keeps folks in denial.

Imagine, the only thing holding you in denial is the smallest of chances that the improbable WILL happen.

You are gambler who bets only on the worst odds.

And, you gamble with your life....

Your happiness,

Your love,

Your joy,

Your peace and

Your self on the worst; in hopes they will someday change...or your fantasy will match reality someday.

Gambling with reality.

(And, reality wins only 100% of the time....Byron Katie)

 

After Me.

Have you ever consider what your content is?  How much of your self you see as physical and how much mental, OR how much you consider the part that doesn't seem to age and has its own likes and dislikes, that is drawn or feels passionate about certain things. The space that isn't body or mind....and then, how much do each part make up in your world.

Like is the body 50% and the mind like 30% and how can you know how you have divided your self. 

I am also wondering with age if these numbers change or do they even change daily or minute by minute.

And further more, how do you see yourself and then how does it feel?

How in touch are you with the part of you that is unseen and untouched inside?  And, where do you focus most upon?  If you can sit quiet and try and see yourself from many angles, you will see you are multifaceted.

I also believe, that when I had shut down and away my true essence; my soul....I was living with more fear, for I was connected more fully with my body.  Not the inner psyche, but the flesh and bones (size and look).  I was also connected more fully to the labels; but not the lady wearing the labels.

To see my wife duties but never giving the lady doing them a second glance.

Same with being a mom, a friend, a sister and a daughter. 

I was all those things; minus me.

The Me that could freely speak, act and be Me.

And, what is so very interesting, is when I became connected to the inside of me, I lost relationships on the outside.

I have been re-reading my journals.  I see a woman struggling with reclaiming her inner sense of self and knowing it was affecting how others responded to her.  And yet, I could no longer live in labels without Me.

I was taught and rewarded for discarding me.

And, in order to bring me to the labels, it would require an adjustment period.  And, in the end, some relationships could not handle the new role with me inside.

I now see myself as 90% soul...inner being and 10% body and mind.

I no longer am driven by the label and what society 'expects' of each label. I have redefined it for me.  My labels come after Me.

 

 

Fueled By Our Truth

Elizabeth Gilbert asked to share a photograph of when you felt the most powerful.  It is odd, it isn't the one where your hair was perfect, you body size at its best and the right outfit.  

"Generally speaking, the deepest kind of power doesn’t have much to do with anyone else at all. Nothing to do with status, nothing to do with reputation, nothing to do with winning.

Because you can achieve all that stuff (status, reputation, victory) and still feel lost as hell. 

No, true power comes from standing in your own truth and walking on your own path.

That's it.

When you are operating from that place (standing in your truth; walking on your path) you are the mightiest thing that has ever lived. Nothing can harm you."  Elizabeth Gilbert

I have a great slide show of memories of me being powerful. 

Perhaps one that began the roll was facing my mother.

Staying with my truth against her perceptions and beliefs of our shared history.

To dare and face her down. Or maybe more true, to dare stand UP for me.

And to be the Guest Speaker at the Dial Help Gala, with My Story Line quilts so beautifully showcased....to speak to an audience about being estranged due to abuse.

I was reading Rythea Lee's quote ""The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence." — at Michigan Technological University.

To speak at "Take Back the Night" being the voice of a victim who no longer cowers in silence and shame.  

To standing in Copper Country Mental Health, surrounded again by my quilts and speaking about my healing journey from abuse.  

What I love is that I am not sad; but seem to be in my Element!

And then to "Call Me Mental"...the documentary film that is still in progress. (This was almost exactly one year ago.  Feb. 10th)

It is remarkable, even to me, how comfortable I was talking about the quilts and Me and my breakdown into reality...  

And, as I was looking through these photographs, I see how I have been so lovingly handed from one new friend to another...

How I was able to be open and trust that my words would be heard...that I would be seen; and my truth recognized.  

That is what gave me power!

Oprah says we all want to be acknowledged.

"Can You see me and does what I say matter?"

I feel very grateful for all the opportunities and my ability to say Yes and step out of my comfort zone.  To be a visual reminder to many that our power is fueled by our truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rebroadcasting the Old.

When I see my story as a quilt, or my quilts as how I lived my life, (does art imitate life or does life imitate art?) I see the magical synchronicity that arose to greet me as I changed on the inside....while living life.

It is to start your role in life as a caterpillar and change into a butterfly adapting the new features onto the same platform.

I believe we all are born unlabeled and quickly they are added to us and we then believe this is who we are.  I also believe that when you are sexually abused within your family, these labels have a double twist or perhaps two sets of labels.

To get down to your real self, you have to first see your family in their true colors and often this hurdle alone is enough to keep folks from doing any self exploratory exercises and or doing things that will remove the labels. 

The labels are covering more than the essential self or soul, but they are also there to cover up abuse.

It is to swim through hell in order to finally be free to be you.

I think what is so remarkable about my journey, is that I was able to rip off a label while exploring my new self and using Art as a way to keep my balance; for I felt comfortable and secure while quilting.

I was terrified of the consequences of losing who I was, how I engaged, what I said, how I felt...and more importantly how would my inner change rock my outer world.

And then, would I change so much that I would no longer fit into old relationships.

As the new awareness movement arises and they are asking folks to shed their old labels and beliefs and to view life from a new angle, they are unwittingly asking many to dive into a hell hole they themselves didn't know existed and if they knew, have worked to skirt around.

It is all good and well to ask someone to be here now...to accept what is, when it doesn't carry the vestiges of abuse.  

Most think it is the pain of being abused.

It is the pain of a past not being what it is.

And, then...you not being who you thought you were.

AND, you have a whole life built upon a false premise.

Now what?

Be here now???  In a life that doesn't come close to matching reality or a reality that is too terrifying to know.

Perhaps the tools we all need is to to let go and grasp on....and to maintain something that will transcend both lives....Like Art.

Or, whatever your passion is.

For, I believe that your passion is your true self, the one beneath the labels and the beliefs and stories you were given in the years after your birth; it goes beyond the social titles we need in order to organize our world.

It is as Richard Rohr spoke of on Super Soul; that we need to embrace, not only our soul, but our physical body and life as well. 

I wonder if a holistic living is to embrace all of who we are and not segment out things that steal your peace.

Richard also said that he believes that the soul grows with pain and suffering or on negative experiences.  I agree.

I never even knew I had a soul, let alone was connected to it, until everything I thought I was was torn away.  And, all that was left was a sense of something I had never encountered...a Me that appeared to live brilliantly despite what my physical body and the life experiences I had endured.

The symbol of the cross is what I was forced to live and what in the end served me well. 

"Crosses symbolize spirituality and healing. The four points of a cross represent self, nature, wisdom, and higher power or being. Crosses suggest transition, balance, faith, unity, temperance, hope, and life. They represent relationships and and a need for connection to something." 

And, what I know for sure, what you don't transform, you do transmit....as Richard shared.  

This I believe was my greatest fear; that IF I wasn't able to change enough, I would transmit the legacy of my abuse unto the next generation...

We are either transmitting a new signal or rebroadcasting the old.

The Dance Between My Lady and I...

I went to look for The Artist Way to post creative ideas for WIND's 100 Day Project...and I happened upon my "Morning Pages Journal".  My brother had sent me both the book and the journal.  And, I began with much eagerness....in 2004

On the fourth day I stopped.  

My world tilted upside down.

A week later I wrote...

"I have been gone a week and a half.  In that time I was shown real insanity. How you only have the window of the Soul, that is all that is real.  The rest is insanity and an illusion."

The next entry was December 28th..."Lots has happened. My mom left my dad, for he was a monster, I always knew deep within. He hurt many souls, mine included. I feel a void for he never was there for any of us. My mom built him up to what she wanted. What I need is the truth of all.  Just the truth.  It really does set you free."

"It will be a happier, lighter future for sure.  A better soul moves forward. Truth is my guide. Love, Joy and Peace are all I need. I will find it in all I do, and all I meet."

What I have noticed as I am reading my words from 10 years ago is how I would speak of the reality that I had denied and how I also look ahead.

I balanced between figuring out the past and stepping into an unknown future with intentions to follow my truth.

The Morning Pages were not to be a journal per say, but rather me writing for three pages. Often there is no date to signify another day. But, I can usually tell by the writing.  I start out with very neat....and then it grows and gets larger and messy. I typically end on a positive note...as how I am doing "As I sit here today" and what I will focus on.  

From early January

"So what is the lesson today - To live in the Now being truthful to me. Let my feelings show and be heard.... My biggest work is to tend to me in spite of all their needs. To tend to me first - love me enough to keep me first. They will all find their way. A new better way is what I will have. Less stress - less friction. I will accept that me and my family are on our own journeys. We will honor each others journey. We will honor each others space."

"As I begin today I will take my space and give or allow them theirs. Within our own space we bloom. My peace. My quiet. I love my children enough to give them their space. I love my husband enough to give him space. Be in your space - Be you! Be first!"

The next day I write about my quilts.  "Yesterday was a success creatively - almost three backgrounds and borders.  Now I get to add intention - meaning or the  "Sutra" to them "A stitch to the soul" to help express or heal. Then when I do the machine quilting I will add words of wisdom add to the picture meaning. It is all good."

And Julia Cameron has quotes on these lined pages....the one on this page read "As frightening and abusive as life with a crazy maker is, we find it far less threatening than the challenge of a creative life of our own."

I also marvel at how I continued to mother and be a wife while my world is completely upside down and I have no clue of who I am....and how I keep the writing so about me...and how I continue to create...weeks after my world upends itself.  

And there are moments when I am floundering and it reads that way.  When I am seeking alternate methods of connections. Angels were big for me. I believed they surrounded me and helped me. 

I have to wonder when you are broken down what feels comforting...and are we more in tune or seeking and grasping at straws...anything to hold on or believe in; when all we believed is no more.

I am glad to have these early journals...and to see me in my writing back then.

The confusion is there.

The anger and resentment.

My hard line on truth.

The unknowing of myself.

The exploring.

And creating.

How as I changed, my mothering changed...my relationship with my husband changed....slowly I bloomed where I had granted me space.

Here is today's Sutra - Stitch to the soul!

My saving grace was, and is, my love for playing with fabric, for the emergence of "My Lady" for she indeed grew as I grew....bolder, more playful and free!

While I recognize the woman who wrote those words...it is hard to imagine being her.  Being so small in Self- awareness or self -love or self- knowing who she was. But I love her courage to change herself mid-stream in her life.

It is like the story is going and the main character changes their identity; yet the identity is unknown to her.

Again, hard to articulate but your life doesn't change, just you do.

I was, and am....a work of Art in progress!  It is to be the painting and the painter...and yet the background moves and changes...and your identity or character is defined by how you dance.

It is SO like my quilts.  I lay the background down....and they are often quite similar, but the ladies change.

I can't imagine the past 10 years without my Art.

My therapy and therapist all in one!  I, the patient and the therapist; moving from role to role.

"If you stumble make it part of the Dance!"

The dance between my Lady and I!

 

 

 

Mosaic Work of Art

"Forget Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Rise" Zig Ziglar

Today I will find a plate to write my fears. (For Lung Leavin Day ) First I have to seek within to find them.

What do I fear?

I have thought briefly about the content of my fears and where they are stored.

I wondered in what part of my life I would find them.

I have monitored my body to see what comes up. And checked my mind and my feelings.  So far there is nothing tangible for me to grab onto.

Somehow I believe I have lived out my worst fears...or certainly faced a huge amount.

It had me wondering about fear and where it is stored and how is it accessed.  How it piles up and is the content the same world wide?  What creates fear so strong it has you in prison by its force?  And, even more important how do you become fearless?

To me, my fearless state required I walk with all my fears.  It wasn't until I seemingly lost it all, that all my fears came home to roost together, that I entered into the state of being fearless; all my fears arrived and I continued to breathe.

Not only breathe, but grow stronger having lived out my greatest fears.

Here are some of my old fears in random order as I recall my darkest moments...perhaps when the clouds of fear descended upon me.

Fear of being different.

Fear of being the blending in and disappearing.

Fear of being intimate.

Fear of my emotions.

Fear of having no emotions.

Fear of having a broken heart.

Fear of losing my identity.

Fear of having no identity.

Fear of a hopeless future in a cycle I couldn't get out of.

Fear of change.

Fear of not being able to change.

Fear of not being heard.

Fear of speaking my truth.

Fear of my overwhelming anger.

Fear of public disgrace with my father's exposure.

Fear of not knowing what to say and no one asked.

Fear of sharing my most private things on this blog.

Fear of retaliation.

Fear of annihilation.

Fear of being disliked.

Fear of not being able to stay with my truth.

Fear of following my truth and being hated because of it and the fear I would capitulate to be liked; so I wouldn't be alone.

Fear of speaking truths that shown a bright light upon the dysfunctional family and being shunned.

Fear of not being able to change enough to make a difference in my home.

Fear of being wrong while following my body and soul.

Fears that mostly consisted of me being me and not being accepted because of it. Fears of embracing all my imperfections and making them public would be the end of me.

My greatest fears were of the truth and how it would impact the world IF they became known.  My truths about my feelings and my experiences.

So, what do I have left to fear if I have attempted to live truthfully for the past 10 years AND have faced many of the consequences I feared?

I looked up some quotes about fear....

"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear." Rosa Parks

 

Does that ring true for me. I vowed I would stand with the child against my father.  Perhaps that is what lessened my fears.

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is the fear of the unknown."  H. P. Lovecraft

 

In facing the unknown....I learned you can't know.  And I found peace living in the unknown.  Another fear neutralized.

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are learning about fear, not how to escape from it."  Jidda Krishnamurti

I had felt cornered by my truths (fears) and they were much too big to hide or coverup and nowhere to run....so I became very astute in understanding their source, the root cause and how they impacted how I lived and conducted myself. Once I felt there was no way around the truth, I immersed myself in it.  Another way I became fearless about fear.

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom."  Marilyn Ferguson

I think somehow my subconsciousness knew this and it was indeed the case....for after every fear was faced, I became freer and freer!

So, what to write on the plate?

"The other side of every fear is Freedom!"

My intentions with breaking the plates with our fears on them is to transform the fear into something beautiful; a mosaic work of art.  

 

Happy Birthday Carl

Because of you, I didn't walk alone.

Because of you, I was heard.

Because of you, I had fear, but said what I needed to say...fearlessly!

Because of you, I embraced my uniqueness.

Because of you, I stood taller, breathe deeper and dared do things beyond my experiences.

Because of you I do yoga.  

Because of you I read books on spirituality and consciousness and healing.

Because of you I am fearless in my art.

Because of you I know my back is always covered.

Because of you I know my past deeper, clearer and with compassion.

Because of you, I am Me...with free self expression and love.

Because you have given me love...just as I am.

Your journey, your strength and courage, your honesty and unflinching stare at our dysfunctional mind... inspires me!  

Because of you I dare be all of me!

 

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about."

I believe we can now play in this field!

Happy Birthday Carl!