IMPERFECT Lady

Where I live today...

As I sat with David Hawkins words ("Fear of the future no longer exists when the past has been healed.) for the past few days, I can see how childlike it appears in its truth and yet so very hard to actually execute.  It isn't for the faint of heart or for those who are 'protecting' their future and current relationships and the status quo.  It is for those who are afraid of delivering to the next generation a life they have lived; to pass on the same exact set of beliefs and programs they are trying to rid themselves of.  It is for those who are the changelings.  Who are more terrified of repeating their parents lives and for that reason alone will walk this journey, moment by moment.

I know it has to be difficult to believe, but all the work is done inwardly.  It doesn't require you to change anyone; but yourself.

You are the common denominator in everything you live.  Sadly and happily, there is no one to blame but you.

What I know for sure, is that my journey of the past ten years has been all about me.

Certainly, others were affected as the new me could no longer tolerate old behaviors but that is about me. 

Knowing this is about you and you, you don't have to wait for others in order to change.  

In fact, others continued doing what they did, regardless of my needs and desires.  They continued on in their worlds....showing me what I too needed to do.

If we break this down into the usual changes, you can see how this works.

How your present and past do affect the future.

When I do yoga today and yesterday, it will bring me a stronger more flexible body in my future.

If I don't...I get a weaker one.

When I say yes when I want to say no, I get a future of pretend relationship with myself. I lied and I get a woman that lies.

To be an artist in the future, I do art today and yesterday.  If I don't be an artist today, then my future will be free of art.

Just as it is with how I viewed my past.  If all I see is me as a victim....a victim I will be in the future.  If instead I see how I used others for my happiness and worth...and used ones who didn't honor me, I can make new choices.  I can put up boundaries for my own worth and become more worthy in my future.

If I have rage and anger about my past, I will bring that into my future. This happened.  My childhood unexpressed rage was present in a future 40 years later.

Until I had expressed my feelings, accepted it and understood the abuse from all points of light....the abuse kept showing up in my future.

It is only there to bring us to awareness. 

Once aware and acknowledged and accepted...its message delivered, and the lesson learned...it quiets down.  

It was only trying to get our attention to what was off. What we didn't see or understand of reality.  The louder the voice and emotion, the further away it appears we are from our self and truth.

While I didn't know this concept or the terminology of David Hawkins, I followed my truth and the feelings within my body.  It led me out of denial. I led me to a new future by doing something new.

If I had denied my abuse...my denial would have continued on.

What most feel is that you have to acknowledge it with your mind....and it is to be free of denial.

Instead, you have to acknowledge it with actions.  You have to do differently, speak differently, require different values and have different boundaries.  Accepting it in your mind is but a small percentage.  

To say you were abused and then to continue on with your life unchanged will not get you a new future.  In the new future, you may be the mother instead of the child; but it will be a mirror image of you.

It is like saying or acknowledging in your head you need to work out or do more yoga, or eat better....but then not follow it up with actions.  Will it be enough to know in your mind you are out of shape and then magically get in shape?

I know that if I do yoga daily, I will continue to reap what I sow.

"We indeed are the change we wish to see in the world"....our world.

At the time of each small but very hard change, I couldn't see ahead into a future, it was all I could do to get through the next moment. But moment by moment I was creating a future where I live today.

 

Symbolize Spirituality and Healing...to me!

While I was playing with symbols and Zentangle, it crossed my mind to do a cross.

Yet it symbolism has images and religious attachments that almost have me adverse to crosses.  They just were not happy, joyful or kind in how they are depicted in religion.

Before I actually went ahead, I looked up different meanings of the cross....

"Crosses symbolize spirituality and healing. The four points of a cross represent self, nature, wisdom, and higher power or being. Crosses suggest transition, balance, faith, unity, temperance, hope, and life. They represent relationships and and a need for connection to something."

That is what the cross means to me.

I had fun adding color and design to the background.  

 "The symbolism of the Celtic cross (especially the equal-armed cross in which each protrusion is equidistant from the center) is indicative of the human desire to know and experience the unfolding mystery of life. We could say that mystery unfolds in a four-fold pattern in which the arms of the cross offer four ways to ascension, an invitation to objectively know Self, Nature, Wisdom and God."

Perhaps after working on this cross, I will come to see Crosses in a new light.

Each of us will hold the meaning that means something to you.  

My crosses symbolize spirituality and healing...to me!

 

Fulfilled and Happy

"In acceptance, we are free to be in the present. Once we have accepted our own true nature and the ways of the universes they are reflected in our world, there is no longer regret about our past, nor is there fear of the future.  Fear of the future no longer exists when the past has been healed. This is because in the usual ego-oriented state of consciousness, the ego tends to project the past upon the future, and a past that is viewed negatively becomes fearful when projected upon the imaginary future. Our letting go of the lower energies of guilt, fear, and anger, and pride has alleviated the weight of the past and cleared the clouds of the future. We face today with optimism and are grateful to be alive. We see that yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come and we have only today"  David Hawkins - Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender"

This concept may be hard to grasp and even harder to execute, but it is, in my experience, the only way you can free yourself from the cycles.  Especially the cycles of abuse.

If "not going back" and "moving on" or "thinking only positive" worked...abuse in my family would have stopped years ago.  

I know, that I have been criticized for having stayed with this topic for over ten years, that I have 'not moved on' but chose instead to remain stuck in the past.  When in fact, I have been staying with my past to neutralize it.  To sit with and feel each part that brought up anger, negative feelings, guilt and shame.  I stayed there until I could find peace...and acceptance.

And I have.  

Some areas have taken weeks and months and have come back time and again for more acceptance and peace.  Each time a thought would arise carrying pieces of negative energy, it was my job to look at it more closely to see what part of me was still tangle up in a negative way.

As my yoga teacher says, "Anytime someone can still your peace, you are the loser."

My job was/is always to engage with my feelings until we come to a peaceful thought.

As Byron Katie says in her books, the road to hell starts with "should, could, would".

If he would...

Or she should...etc.

I have found that the only way to neutralize my past was to keep my thoughts and my feelings true.  To have the courage to face what is....no matter what reality was showing me and then find peace with accepting it.

 

"a past that is viewed negatively becomes fearful when projected upon the imaginary future."

Just this one thought alone....If you view it negatively....the negative is what will happen again and again.

So, not only do you have to go back to a negative childhood (when incest or abuse has occurred) but you have to come away seeing you differently.

You can't hold on to the guilt and shame and hide your abuse and have a different future.

It is to be abused but to feel guilt-free, shame-free, without the negative drag.

Today my negative radar is free.

My gratitude scale is overwhelming.

My future shines bright.

David Hawkins ends this segment with...

"In summary, then, the consciousness level of acceptance is one that we all long to achieve, for it enables us to find freedom from most of life's problems and to experience fulfillment and happiness."

I am very fulfilled and happy.