I went to look for The Artist Way to post creative ideas for WIND's 100 Day Project...and I happened upon my "Morning Pages Journal". My brother had sent me both the book and the journal. And, I began with much eagerness....in 2004
On the fourth day I stopped.
My world tilted upside down.
A week later I wrote...
"I have been gone a week and a half. In that time I was shown real insanity. How you only have the window of the Soul, that is all that is real. The rest is insanity and an illusion."
The next entry was December 28th..."Lots has happened. My mom left my dad, for he was a monster, I always knew deep within. He hurt many souls, mine included. I feel a void for he never was there for any of us. My mom built him up to what she wanted. What I need is the truth of all. Just the truth. It really does set you free."
"It will be a happier, lighter future for sure. A better soul moves forward. Truth is my guide. Love, Joy and Peace are all I need. I will find it in all I do, and all I meet."
What I have noticed as I am reading my words from 10 years ago is how I would speak of the reality that I had denied and how I also look ahead.
I balanced between figuring out the past and stepping into an unknown future with intentions to follow my truth.
The Morning Pages were not to be a journal per say, but rather me writing for three pages. Often there is no date to signify another day. But, I can usually tell by the writing. I start out with very neat....and then it grows and gets larger and messy. I typically end on a positive note...as how I am doing "As I sit here today" and what I will focus on.
From early January
"So what is the lesson today - To live in the Now being truthful to me. Let my feelings show and be heard.... My biggest work is to tend to me in spite of all their needs. To tend to me first - love me enough to keep me first. They will all find their way. A new better way is what I will have. Less stress - less friction. I will accept that me and my family are on our own journeys. We will honor each others journey. We will honor each others space."
"As I begin today I will take my space and give or allow them theirs. Within our own space we bloom. My peace. My quiet. I love my children enough to give them their space. I love my husband enough to give him space. Be in your space - Be you! Be first!"
The next day I write about my quilts. "Yesterday was a success creatively - almost three backgrounds and borders. Now I get to add intention - meaning or the "Sutra" to them "A stitch to the soul" to help express or heal. Then when I do the machine quilting I will add words of wisdom add to the picture meaning. It is all good."
And Julia Cameron has quotes on these lined pages....the one on this page read "As frightening and abusive as life with a crazy maker is, we find it far less threatening than the challenge of a creative life of our own."
I also marvel at how I continued to mother and be a wife while my world is completely upside down and I have no clue of who I am....and how I keep the writing so about me...and how I continue to create...weeks after my world upends itself.
And there are moments when I am floundering and it reads that way. When I am seeking alternate methods of connections. Angels were big for me. I believed they surrounded me and helped me.
I have to wonder when you are broken down what feels comforting...and are we more in tune or seeking and grasping at straws...anything to hold on or believe in; when all we believed is no more.
I am glad to have these early journals...and to see me in my writing back then.
The confusion is there.
The anger and resentment.
My hard line on truth.
The unknowing of myself.
The exploring.
And creating.
How as I changed, my mothering changed...my relationship with my husband changed....slowly I bloomed where I had granted me space.
Here is today's Sutra - Stitch to the soul!
My saving grace was, and is, my love for playing with fabric, for the emergence of "My Lady" for she indeed grew as I grew....bolder, more playful and free!
While I recognize the woman who wrote those words...it is hard to imagine being her. Being so small in Self- awareness or self -love or self- knowing who she was. But I love her courage to change herself mid-stream in her life.
It is like the story is going and the main character changes their identity; yet the identity is unknown to her.
Again, hard to articulate but your life doesn't change, just you do.
I was, and am....a work of Art in progress! It is to be the painting and the painter...and yet the background moves and changes...and your identity or character is defined by how you dance.
It is SO like my quilts. I lay the background down....and they are often quite similar, but the ladies change.
I can't imagine the past 10 years without my Art.
My therapy and therapist all in one! I, the patient and the therapist; moving from role to role.
"If you stumble make it part of the Dance!"
The dance between my Lady and I!
