IMPERFECT Lady

Different Feelings.

Feelings are unexpected guests that arrive, they just hop in and depending upon what is going on, they join the moment...you can't plan for them or invite them, they just arrive.

They arrive with announcements or do they announce the event?

Somedays we have many guests.  

Other days it seems we can go along without feeling.

Monitoring these feelings or welcoming them is at times is a tricky landscape.

Last night while watching innocent appearing home videos of the children when they were young, voices of my past rang out.

It was surreal.

The juxtaposition to see our kids as little children and their delightful antics and personalities were mixed in with my estranged family...and my feelings of today striking up against mine from the past.

A very odd mixture for sure.

To see a life I barely recognize and yet at once familiar.

To feel my children's familiar trust with a family whose patterns of abuse are clearly now known.

How odd as a parent to witness my allowing of those relationships. 

We didn't see them all, just a few.  I don't know what else I recorded....and sadly then how much I didn't.

The thing my video lens did not record IS the most life defining.

It wasn't the cute children doing what children do.

It's the irresponsible behavior of the adults.  

Adults in denial.  

Adults trying to keep peace. 

Adults being vigilant and yet so very careless with the spirits and lives of so many children.  To see them as children...so trusting.  And, now knowing them as adults and seeing their lives and choices made.  Knowing still how abuse has speckled their worlds; marked by the unaddressed at the time....abuse.

I can see the hand my choices have made.

I can see how I brought them to my family of abuse.

I didn't bring them to abuse; I brought them to family.  I shared my children with family.  Yet, I unwittingly connected them to folks who are incapable to hold sacred their trust.

In the midst of this past review a call came in my husband's aunt passed away.

An aunt who I have gotten to know in the past few years.

A friend.

It was as if my body was swirling with feelings; too many to feel.

The easy one was to hold my granddaughter and feel this.

I had just read in David Hawkin's book "Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender" about feelings.

"First we have to be aware of what is really going on inside of us before we can do anything about it. As we let go of a feeling, it is replaced by a higher one.  The only purpose for recognizing and admitting a feeling is so that we can relinquish it.  To be surrendered means that w are willing to relinquish a feeling by allowing ourselves just to experience it and not to change it. Resistance is what keeps it there in the first place."  David

I had lots to feel. But, they were coming in too fast to really experience, or so it seems.

It was like I was on a ride of feelings.  

Feel this....and let it go.

Feel this. Feel this. Feel this.  Like a smorgasbord of feelings flooding in a very short amount of time.  Past, present, old relationships, gone relationships, passing friend....new grandchild, children, family, estranged family....an onslaught, too much to hold.

It was as if I was challenged to feel and was quickly given another. Feel and then change to a vastly different one.  All the while on edge to what was going to be filmed next, who was going to pop up.  And staying present in the room; while being transported back.  Being me and seeing the old me and my old life...while in the present.

Feelings are just guests giving us a message....we are to experience them as they are and not try to change them.

I have learned to accept what is.

Just at times, this acceptance is harder to accept.

Last evening I had many guests...all bringing different feelings.

 

 

 

 

That Wasn't True...for Me.

In David Hawkin's book "Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender" he writes...

"Psychotherapy aims at the amelioration of neurotic patterns.  (I looked up the word amelioration - "the act of making something better; improvement.") Letting go, however, is designed to undo the underlying causes of all neurotic formation. It undoes the basic structure of maladaptive feeling and behavior.  Psychotherapy seeks for an improvement in neurotic balance.  Letting go, however, eliminates all together."  

"A limitation of most psychotherapeutic frameworks is that the therapist is constricted to what the world calls a healthy, functioning ego with all its restrictions.  In this paradigm, a healthy patient is considered to be one who shares the same illusions and limitations condoned by society and the therapist.  By contrast, the purpose of the mechanism of surrender is to transcend the illusions of the world and reach the ultimate truth behind it - which is Self-Realization - and to discover the very basis of the mind itself, the source of all thought and feeling."

"The goal of letting go is the elimination of the very source of all suffering and pain. This sounds radical and startling and, in fact, it is!  Ultimately, all negative feelings stem from the same source.  When enough negative feelings have been relinquished, that source reveals itself. When that source itself is let go of and dis-identified with, the ego dissolves. The source of suffering, therefore, loses the very basis of its power."

"Each of us has a limit to the amount of negative feelings we have stored up. When the pressure behind an emotion has been let go, that emotion no longer occurs. For instance, if fear is constantly surrendered for a period of time,eventually it runs out.  It then becomes difficult or almost impossible to feel further fear.  It takes progressively more and more stimulus to elicit it.  Finally, a person who has surrendered a great deal of fear actually has to search for it diligently. The energy of fear simply isn't there anymore.  Anger  also progressively diminishes so that even a major provocation fails to elicit it.  A person with little fear or anger feels primarily love all of the time and experiences a loving acceptance of events, people and the vicissitudes of life."

I had to look up "Vicissitudes"...."a change of circumstances or fortune, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant."

"The goal of surrender is transcendence.  Psychotherapy accepts levels of behavior as healthy that, from the viewpoint of total freedom, are unacceptable.  For instance, in psychotherapy, minimal fear, anger, and pride might be considered necessary or acceptable levels of functioning and perhaps even "healthy."  But as we have seen, the innate destructiveness behind these lower states is ultimately not acceptable- given the power of surrender to transcend them totally.  Beyond the "acceptable level of functioning" aways our greater destiny: total freedom."  David

 

This has been my experience.  

And, I believe that ultimately, society will come to recognize that the treatments we have that don't deliver us to total freedom will have to be retired.

Also, many of the 'healing' modalities that there are "in" today, are so that the patient has to rely upon another person...or salve or technique and do not challenge the mind that created it....or the thoughts and/or beliefs.

The new age or latest 'healing' therapies literally skip the mind and address the body.  And, the body is only responding to what the mind thinks, has thought or worries about....etc.

David goes on...

"Although letting go seems simple and easy, its ultimate effects are profoundly powerful.  A quick little surrender done in an almost off-handed manner can sometimes bring about a major change in our life.  We can picture it being similar to the wheel of a ship.  If we make even a one-degree change in the ship's compass, we will notice very little difference; but, as the ship sails over the sea hour after hour, day after day, a one-degree change in the compass will end up taking us to a very different place many miles from where the original course would have taken us."  David

 

Surrendering isn't as easy to see....but what you are holding on to is.

What is stopping you from change?

What holds you in place?

What ideas are non-negotiable?

What beliefs have you set your compass to and refuse to budge even one degree?

Letting go of you identity, your beliefs, your religion, your expectations, your ideals, and sitting in a position of being detached may seem very scary.

But, scarier to me is to be mentally tied to something that goes against reality.

To go with the flow, surrendering to what is....Is total freedom.  

The greatest transcendence is to get out of your mind.

To question its beliefs and ideas...to use your mind instead of being a prisoner of it.

What was amazing to me was how much I had to let go of to be Me!

Surrendering to everything that wasn't true...for Me.

 

 

Your Unique Perspective.

While doing Art, you are challenged with perspective and often it is illusive and not attainable.  Its skewed perspective then becomes Art that seems to struggle among itself.

The eye, or maybe brain is then agitated....or is it stretching your perspective subconsciously.

Sometimes while trying to get the perspective right, I fall in love with the items that are out of size and leave them anyway.  

Other times, its off-ness seems just right. I feel more drawn to Art when things are not perfect; but there seems to be a carelessness about perspective.

This one was painful when I tried to 'care' about each item and its perspective....if I let it go, I relaxed and just enjoyed the overall view.  

Each piece on its own is perfect and its imperfections in perspective makes it seem more charming to me.  I try and do my best and don't give up on the theme, just because something appears too large or too close.  Often the distance is fluid...but it keeps the eye interested and not bored.

Today I began a new one.  I wanted My Lady to be sitting in a Kayak with a closer up view...and facing forward.  During the designing of it, part of me wants me to quit before I begin, for it seems really hard to depict it correctly. 

Another part of me falls in love quickly and I can't just abandon her....so I leave it be.

I like this Kayak Lady...even if once again perspective is a struggle with the perfect seeking part of me.  The careless artful part of me is happy....and loves her.  

While contemplating the seriousness of perspective and its place in Art or whether eye catching art is out of perspective...I wondered about the two parts that fight within me over details doing art.

I know for sure there is a childlike careless girl playing in fabric and her joy over talks any serious thinking art like person.  

When the childlike careless girl loves it, it is harder for me to take it off the background for a more 'real' or 'right' idea.

I just can't get serious about Art.

Maybe that is the correct perspective on Art and Life....do what brings you joy, and not worry how others will perceive your unique perspective.

 

Instead of Sins

The actual affects and residual behaviors that are often born from surviving trauma, are the very things the church has labeled "sins".  These behaviors are used to cover up the pain.  They are self medicating tools...

As I pondered what the church ladies would think about the behaviors of the people written about in "Voluntary Madness" it came to me, how misunderstood "sin" is.

Can a church objectively look at the 'sins' and help us?

The very 'sins' the church wishes to forgive and forget are the signs and clues showing the blueprint back to the core or our pain; the trauma.

If all you see are the 'sins' they are committing and not see them as signposts, can you effectively treat them?

From the reading I have done and listening to other victims, it is clear to me, what are called 'sins' are just a normal response to abnormal behavior.

If you see a 'sinner' instead of a person who is having a normal reaction to trauma, you will place the blame and shame upon the wrong individual.

This transference of shame leads to self annihilation that is further compounded in churches who list these affects as sin.  We are bad people; sinners.

It is like having an illness whose side affects are labeled sin.

The treatment of the church is to have the victim feel guilty for having a normal response to trauma/abuse/sexual abuse...making them the problem; when it is not their fault.  You have to see WHY....instead of asking why.

IF, and it is a big IF, the church could see them as sinless; there would be a glimmer of hope in finding recovery there.

The whole concept of sin and forgiveness would have to be put aside in order for victims of abuse to be innocent....and faultless.

What would a church be for IF there were no sin?  

And, if we were all innocent; but responding normally to abnormal treatment...would they then have to see who is not treating whom correctly?  

Would they then have to look upward towards the parents instead of downward to the child for responsibility?  And see the beginning of this cycle...reversing the direction blame has been handed to.

How many institutions and societal leadership roles will hold parents accountable for the ills of society?  

What a concept and hardship for the church to flip around.  Especially in the churches that are patriarchal and children are to be seen and not heard...voiceless and choiceless?

What will it take to give a voice and a choice to these abused children?  

Imagine a world where you see the wounds instead of sins.

Voluntary Madness

I know that in my last discussion about religion and abuse, I am not clearly understood and perhaps I can't clearly understand the opposite side.  What I do know, is that religion isn't a place to heal, if you will, from mental disorders and or trauma from sexual abuse.

Maybe this is the crux of the real problem.  

Often religion and its followers Believe that it can. That if only we would believe harder in your God, we too could find peace.

It would be more of a service to those of us who suffer the affects of abuse to be steered to a helping organization.  To have our abusers handed over to the justice system...and to help, if need be to stay away from our abusive family.  To support us as we stand against abuse.  

Keep religion to do what religions does. 

Which at this point in my life and my experience, I am not really clear what religion is for.  However, I do know what it does not work on.

I am not against God.

Having climbed from the hell hole that abuse puts you in, I know that telling me to have a personal relationship with God is not helpful.  I don't even know who I am and I first have to find a personal relationship with me.  I need to be supported in doing this. In following my truth; before following Jesus.

While I know to the depth of my being the religious people I know are not unkind...intentionally.  They are, I believe just believing that ALL THINGS can be healed by God.  And then try and do this with us.

I have many friends who consider themselves Christians and have great Faith.

However, many of these same friends have no idea what my journey from abuse has been like. Nor can they appreciate an abusive parent, an abusive home and a childhood of lost innocence.  By telling us God loves us isn't enough.

My fear and concern of the latest Author of Hush is that her message is that the church can heal us.

 

I am listening to a book by Norah Vincent "Voluntary Madness" - Lost and Found in the Mental Healthcare System.  It is an incredible book about what those of us with mind disorders are up against.  Even in the Healthcare System it isn't an easy recovery from what ails the mind, body and soul.

This book is showing just how difficult our journey is to finding the core of our pain, dealing with the pain and what society's healthcare system has to offer  and to find a way back to the self we left when abused.

This author would be one I would wholeheartedly support!  

Recovery isn't pretty and easily found.

Again it is a dis-service to all of us to have religion as a healthcare service.

I know she (Hush author) speaks of counseling; but she wants Christian Counseling.  Where religion and its base is the content of the healing modality.

For those who read Hush, I would also like you to read "Voluntary Madness" and then let us pick up the conversation.

 

 

Great Lakes Showcase

Imagine, my Art is hanging here at the Great Lakes Showcase; an annual juried exhibition of fine arts and crafts from local and regional artists!

I entered wondering how it would feel to have My Lady hanging among other types of Art...for this is her first time in an exhibition!  She would be with Art of many types...and from long established artist as well.  A newcomer to the scene.

I entered the space looking quickly to see if I could spot her.....and I did at the end of the gallery!  Her bright colors caught my eye!

It was neat to see her hanging with other interesting works of art....the creative expressions of so many.

And, neat to see a spotlight focused on her...so cool.  

"Francis" was holding her own at the end of the gallery!  I love that she is by the door and can see folks walking by!  How fun for her!!!

I love that My Lady is there and being recognized as Art.  Because she has been more Art Therapy and the image in front of my message, I don't see her as art first; but rather sharing the message of personal empowerment and freedom of expression to be I M Perfect and You be You....I don't see the Art.  I feel the message more.  

I am proud to call her mine!

 

Here is the link to see the rest of the show....Great Lakes Showcase

I loved this piece...created with paint and fabric, by Renee L. Michaud titled "Beauty"

 

 

Its Children

Knowing that speaking out in offense of religion was going to bring with it many in defense.  Even if they don't write and bravely dispute me, I know they silently turn away in disgust from me.

Perhaps what I have more trouble with isn't so much what religion does is what it doesn't do.

You would think that an institution that prides itself on high morals and values would be the first to stand against abusers. Be the first to rush the police stations with knowledge of abusers.  I have not bump into any of them in the past 10 years that I have spoken out.  I have not had them message me or email me or call me or volunteer their pulpits to share words of wisdom.

Silence.

Silent with me.

Silent with the detective I am connected to. (I sent an email just to make sure I am not misspeaking here...and I will report back if there is a church and pastor that has gone under my radar and is out there speaking against abuse.)

I have spoken to people of many faiths...and they have shared how neglected this is within their churches.

I am not just speaking of MY experience, but of many similar experiences to mine.

I am sharing and voicing from those who have spoken to me.

Victims...the abused.  

In their confusion as they try and right themselves are flabbergasted that the church and its followers are so silent and unmoving.

Like a huge meme that can only speak 'good' of the church and never questions the inactivity against abuse.

What would it cost each person who sits in the pews and has a GREAT faith in its teachings to question it?  Would that diminish your 'faith' in your religion?

Is it really your religion and its contents that hangs in the balance?

Your ticket to heaven...your clan and group and fellowship?

Does it have more to do with that, than the child who is without a voice?

Who is in the pews next to you...watching you silently.

Silent for he, like I know you will defend your religion BEFORE standing against it...even when we tell you abuse lives there.  

Some will want to hold the Faith and Religion high above in pristine untouchable condition....more so than helping a child in need.

I know you all don't mean to do this.

But, you do inadvertently.

Religion isn't separated from the people anymore than abuse is separated from the abusers.  

Your faith isn't separated from you. It is you.

I get that.

How can we then have a conversation about this when there is no distinction between you and your religion.  

In your diligence to defend your religion, the failure to be able to see its cracks where abuse lives, IS what keeps abuse cycles going for generations.

I have spoken to various generations of adult children whose family's legacy has continued on for 4 generations AND they all are deeply nestled into the church and its teachings and its 'values'.

I am not just spouting off. 

I am perplexed and puzzled by lack of movement from Within the church. While I on the outside appear to care more for its children.

 

Wordless works of Art

My mind was stirred up and I couldn't grasp a thread to formulate my thoughts against the onslaught of religious words in the book Hush.  It felt like there were multiple languages speaking languages that I didn't speak.  A gibberish of sounds; but the message was that I had to do something in order to be someone.

And until then, I was an empty painful container.

However, what is so painfully obvious to me, is that her idea of who I am and who I Feel I am are two completely different things.

What I am learning as I sat with the contents of the book and the contents of me, is that when the book and my reality are at odds... believe my reality and/or experience of me!

I disagree that the only way to wholeness is via religions...for I am without one and I feel whole.

My way forward was to seek love, peace and joy.  And in doing so, I turned away from things that didn't embody these sentiments...for me. 

I didn't need a map from someone else idea of what held these energies.

I sought them out by how I felt.

Being truthful about my feelings led me forward.

I didn't need to do what she and many religions speak of...I used my body and soul.

The way she describes God and his needs are so similar to the needs in many abusive homes...in a codependent way.

My experience of the Universe or nature is free...it doesn't need the gibberish to know what to do. Wordlessly and without any prompting or direction it does what it was born/planted to do.

I love that.

And the most imperfect things in nature are the most artful.

Why then is there an idea of us all matching and following one path?

We are all humans.

We all have our own life stories and truths.

Which have left their imprints upon us.

Some of us are so layered in lies, we don't know who we are...until we start living our truths...and bit by bit we unveil our natural self.

I feel honored to be me and feel I have gained such wisdom while uncovering me.

And, this all again was done outside of the constraints of religion.  In fact, for me....religion would have stopped me from being Me.

By its demand that I find peace, love and joy....outside of me.

I didn't feel like I met the author of Hush; but rather the religion that stood before her.

I am without a religious filter.  You see me as I am...there is nothing between me and you.

My filterless view of the world....tries to see behind the gibberish of words...to You.

Is there a you behind your religion?

What do you look like?

How do you feel and be and love?

Show me you!

My Lady and I...wordless works of Art.

 

 

What are others hearing you say?

I feel more inspired by "The Stitch" than I did with the book "Hush".  

I ordered 5 Kits  - Speak your silence

"Speak Your Silence is a nonprofit on a mission to conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse via #The Stitch, which symbolizes your voice frequency.  Profits fund one on one counseling nationwide for those personally affected."

It is a simple concept that accepts Your voice, Your story and inspires You to speak what You have kept silent.

They are not telling you anything, but accepting everything.

They are not trying to direct you into a narrow space with requirements, but is wide open and spacious; accepting you as you are.

I feel inspired to be part of this.

Its potential excites me.

The Stitch understands the power of speaking what you have kept silent...knowing the real you is right behind your voice.

This is easy for me to apply and will now recognize others who wear The Stitch.

I will begin adding this symbol near the signature on my quilts.

And feel proud that I am a member of this fraternity.  

For I recall in the first few months after discovering my own abuse...how heavy the burden felt, to be part of the club, of the sexually abused. The weight of it seemed to drown me out.  Little did I know, it was the beginning of the road to self discovery.

And each time I spoke of it, the stronger I grew...inside.

What was once a strange voice with strange words...is now very familiar; it's Me.

All of me.

The Me that lived behind the silence.

I love my voice.

I love what it has to say.

I am not sure there is anything more powerful than using your voice and speaking your truth.

It truly sets you free.

The you that is hidden behind the silence.

My imperfections are now perfectly Me.

Each time another one of us speaks their silence, we open up the space wider...sending out courage energy that inspires another.

The Stitch is a Zig Zag, symbolic of your voice frequency...what does yours look like?

What are others hearing you say?

By wearing the orange zig zag stitch, you help conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse and support your loved ones in sharing their stories!

 

 

Hush

 "Hush - Moving from Silence to Healing after Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Nicole Braddock Bromley...sounded like a great book. She wrote this in 2007 and will be coming to Michigan Tech on the 28th of March.

She lost me....before she was half way through.

In chapter 5 "The truth shall set you free" she writes...

....you'll never find genuine healing outside of a relationship with God. I would be doing you an injustice to tell you that breaking the silence and accepting the truth about your abuse is the end of your healing.  I've heard many speakers say that you should never expect to overcome the pain of sexual abuse. They say that you'll aways feel empty inside because of it. My message is different.. I just can't leave you there!"

"You see, I know from my own experience that knowing God was what quieted my    questioning heart and allowed His healing waters to flow in and out of my life. Some of you may be thinking, "This may have worked for Nicole because she has a close relationship with God, but it won't work for me. I don't have that. The greatest news in the world is that you can have one too! What God has done for me, He is longing to do for you."

"If we're truthful, we have to admit that our own efforts to cope with abuse haven't really worked. In many cases, they have just added more problems and injuries; and in the end we still feel shame, pain and sadness. We've hurt others and ourselves, and in so doing, we've hurt God. But the good news is that all of this can be forgiven and the slate wiped clean. This happens through a personal relationship with God's Son, Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for us so that our sins could be forgiven and we could become children of God."

"All you have to do to join God's family is to admit that you have failed Him, realize that you need him, and ask him to forgive you and to come into your heart to be your Lord and Savior. This is a simple path to an up-close-and-personal, day-in-day-out relationship with the God of the universe."

"Once you're in God's family, you can start to get to know Him. Ask Him to show you His true character and reveal to you any lies you've believed about him, He will.  he wants to show you! No matter what you are struggling with, take it to the Lord. If it's a lack of faith or lack of desire to know Him more, tell Him. He can handle it.  He wants to hear from you.  He wants to answer you. He wants to help you."  Nicole

 

These words leave me without words.

I don't know where to begin to begin.

She goes on to say.....

"Replacing lies With Truth."

"Although most lies took root when you were abused as a child, your abuser isn't the only enemy you have. Satan will try and get you with his tricks as well. He doesn't want you to get very far on your healing journey; in fact, he will do everything he can to trip you up by keeping you from knowing the truth. The apostle John says this about him: "He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44)

"LISTENING TO SATAN PLANTS THE SEED OF A FALSE BELIEF SYSTEM DEEP WITHIN US."

"Dwelling on his lies allows a poisonous vine to grow in the soil of our minds and then spread until it affects every area of our lives. The longer you allow it to live on the inside, the more it will manifest itself on the outside in behavior that keeps us in the darkness and bondage. The only way to break free of this oppression is to root out each lie and replace it with truth. When we demolish lies about God, all the lies that stem from a false view of Him will die as well."

"Survivors of abuse often find it hard to resist Satan's lies because their own experiences make them seem credible. When you find yourself harboring the Devil's lies in your mind, do what Jesus did when Satan tempted Him in the wilderness; Counter each lie with a truth from God's Word. This is the way to resist Satan, and God promises that when you do this, "he will flee from you" (James 4:7)."  Nicole

 

I will go and listen to her.

But, my overall impression of her book is that it is a dis-service to those of us who are breaking our silence and sharing our truths.

It left me with one choice.

Hers.

I would not recommend this book.

I can't wait to sit in the audience and feel her message.