I was asked if I had a mental breakdown. I said yes...and then No. Not so much a mental breakdown, but that I saw the truth. And, once I saw, I couldn't not see. I was now incapable of wearing denial.
What is a mental breakdown and what really breaks down?
How is our mind broken?
Is it the inability to think?
Or, the inability to think like we used to think?
I went to look up the definition of "Mental Breakdown".
"Mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown) is a colloquial term for an acute, time-limited psychiatric disorder that manifests primarily as severe stress-induced depression, anxiety or dissociation in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day..."
"...manifests primarily as severe stress induced..."
I have to wonder what is stressed?
I didn't get a clinical diagnosis, but I can say that my mind was completely blown.
I was able to function on a day-to-day...or hour-to-hour basis, but I didn't respond as I used to.
I now had a new set of files that I had to incorporate into my world; labels to be attached to me.
I had previously said, that I was stripped of my labels, for they all fell down as false, but I wasn't truly naked. I was now wearing labels of horrific consequences when fully brought in by the mind.
And, my mind did.
Tossing aside the labels of what I thought I knew, to those in the truth...was a feat my mind could barely hold.
A whole new vernacular was given to me overnight.
The image I held in my mind about my family, my childhood, my parents and who I was, changed overnight.
Pedophile, sexual assault, incest, childhood trauma, dysfunctional, victim, detectives, victim statements....to name a few.
The juxtaposition of what I thought I knew, and what was reality, was such a wide gap, it wasn't easily traversed. Or traveled in a way that you couldn't tell a major mind shift had happened.
What does still boggle my mind, is how others were able to bring in new labels that were a far cry from the old and continue on unchanged.
These new labels stopped my life cold.
They broke my stride and how I saw myself.
This major shift in perception into the truth left me unable to act as I had previously.
My ability to deny the truth no longer worked.
Is that a mental breakdown?
When you can no longer mentally process and integrate new information without IT affecting the flow of life?
To me, and I am not a certified mental health care person, is that the ability to see the truth/reality is healthy. And, the inability to do so, is to have a mentality that is broken.
I actually felt strong while being completely devastated.
To clearly see, is a gift and a curse.
Is it a strong mental mind, to be able to deny or change your perception of someone or something? Wouldn't that be considered the handicap...when your mind is not capable of a new thought or to bring in new information/perceptions?
What I didn't know, was how sick I was, until I saw the truth.
How I was able to function day-to-day without having access to reality or truths.
And, the cost of having a mind strong enough to shield me from the truth, allowed me to participate in the ring of sexual abuse. In denying who my father was, had me treating him like a father and not a pedophile.
Imagine how strong, for the lack of a better word, the mind is, that it can literally block the truth or reality out. Where its illusions are more real than reality.
So, did I have a mental breakdown. I feel, I became un-handicapped.
I was no longer in the dark about the truth.
I could see.
It was startling, shocking, terrifyingly horrific...and incredibly freeing.
Armed with the truth, I was able to navigate my way free from dysfunction.
Having a mind that sees reality makes it impossible to be with folks who can't. We just don't mix well at all. And, ironically, my family would label me mental. Nuts, and certifiably insane. And, to them I am. It would seem insane to the mind of denial to see.
The leap, or the fall, from the mind into reality is often brutal.
You leave the cozy comfort of un-reality.
It can be paralyzing not to know what is truth and what is fiction.
How mentally strong are you?
Can you see the truth of your own life?
Breaking into reality can be a huge culture shock. For, in denial I had built up a whole big life. And, now it was based upon nothing. When the labels fell, my whole life was in danger of falling to. And, most of it did.
I had to re-build while alive, integrating into my foundation...the new labels.
It completely changed who I thought I was and oddly my new soiled labels created a perfect me. I now matched in my head, how my body felt.
It is interesting to think about how many of us are really in reality and how many of us deny the harsher realities our hearts can't hold. What I know...is that those asleep in denial are there due to some horrific event. We don't flee reality...we are forced out of it, in order to survive.
Survive a traumatic event our mind failed to record...with truth.
The truth, when I saw it at 46, was so powerful and horrific, there is no way a child could have lived knowing this. When the very folks who were supposed to care for the child, were the ones abusing it. To knowingly live with a pedophile and his wife.
And, being shunned as I am now, and made to believe I am the one who is nuts....this same treatment would have been given upon me as a child...back then.
It is no wonder that the mind doesn't allow us to see the truth; it is protecting us and keeping us with those who 'shelter' us.
I could not have made it on my own at 6 or 7 years old.
I barely made it on my own at 46.
I had to leave everything behind...when I followed my truth.
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