When I re-read what I wrote and ended with "Part Bad and Part Good"....I wondered about my parents value; what part do I see in them?
What part are children allowed to talk about?
Do parents have 'good parts and bad parts'?
Do people?
Are we made up of good things and bad. Is there a combination like "They are great people who have poor behaviors?
Is it possible that as children we are not allowed to address the bad parts so we are only left with acting as if it is good....since Good is all we are allowed to acknowledge.
So, is that what denial is? Speaking only of the good. And, you are BAD if you speak of the bad.
Very interesting to find myself viewing the actions of my parents...or their values.
I have accepted the invitation to go back to my childhood as an adult but to see my child there.
To see the landscape and to feel the energy and the flow of our relationship(s).
On the family stage how are we all acting and being ourselves; what is our character doing, being and is it true?
Whose feelings are the main spotlight and what are the costs to thee other cast members?
When we ask children to only acknowledge the good, we are setting them up on a stage for them to act out of character. To have bad things done, but to pretend only 'good' has happened.
Given that this was the rule, "we can only act upon the good things....and we have to pretend to pretend, that the bad didn't happen" how do you feel you would navigate this world.
It is to be with bad behaviors and ACT like they are not happening.
What an actress I became.
Volcano's of terror inside and the outside moving about as if nothing is wrong.
Holding on to terror while being a child...
In fact, as I pondered what I would feel last night, I thought of my night terrors would be an adequate depiction of my feelings as a child.
Frozen in Terror unable to move....
But, it is actually worse.
Frozen in Terror but having to put on a happy face. Being with folks WHO created this terror, but acting like they were warm and fuzzy.
And, knowing if you didn't pull it off, you would be punished, neglected, banished....etc.
This has been my experience. That when I began to address and speak out loud about the behaviors we were not supposed to talk about, I am no longer part of that family.
As a child, I was between a rock and a hard place.
Not wanting to be with the terror, but there was nowhere to go.
Wanting parents.
Wanting parents who didn't have this underlying bad behavior that was a juxtaposition from their social facade.
It created in me....the pretender...Denial.
So on the stage in my childhood are all manner of bad behaviors of parents and a child pretending they are good parents.
Pull that off and not have a twisted mind.
I am amazed I was able to do and be with any semblance of function....coming from whence I came.
